The spectre of dementia

My mother died at age 97 of old age and dementia  She first exhibited symptoms at age 85.  There was a slow slide into oblivion as she coped with living alone and then with caregivers. She was fortunate in a way that many others are not. My sister was devoted to her and Mom had love and security as she declined.  My father died at age 83 but he exhibited mild cognitive impairment that he covered with a rigid, predictable schedule and lots of notes to himself next to the landline. He had Mom to care for him.

I see many of these early symptoms in myself.  It's embarrassing and scary. I'll say to our grown up kids, we have to go to X to pick up Y and they will say, we did that yesterday.  I see them exchange glances.  They are black holes where a memory should be. 

Today I did something really scary. I take the dog often for a walk in a nearby neighborhood that has tennis courts. I'll park by the tennis courts, call a friend and talk as I walk the dog. The friend I called today was an old college friend who is recovering from a fall in her shower. I walked to my car as we talked, got in, put the dog in the back seat and kept talking as I sat behind the wheel.  It started getting dark and I decided to end the call and drive home. My car wouldn't start. I tried everything and started to panic. My husband has been ill. He couldn't help. Then, somehow, I noticed something strange about the car. The seats were different but the model, make and color were the same as my car. I got out and looked around.  There was only  one other car in the parking lot. It was mine. I had gotten into the wrong car. What if the owners had shown up with me in the drivers seat and my dog in the back seat - of their car.

As time goes By

 Can't believe I found this blog.  The information was in an old pile of papers I was sorting out.  I read through some posts and had to update. Anything to avoid sorting out papers. 

Parenthetically, I originally had an earlier blog about Fl...but that one was sadly deleted. 

 My update: My childhood friend Joan had a hip replacement and is still in rehab,,,at home.  She hated the place the hospital sent her to.  My old friend Bev kind of disappeared.  Another friend stays in touch with her but I don't hear much good news...or any news.  Our dog Zoey still is strong-willed and last night walked down to the main road where someone found her and called up..  I'm still gardening but the deer eat the daylilies and hostas so I have not bought any new ones in years.  Mostly shrubs annuals and hydrangeas now.

 Two years ago we totally renovated our cottage in Cape Anne and go down there for a day or two every week.  Have many daylilies there - and no deer.

The guy who does garden work weekly is still with us.  New people keep moving into the neighborhood and I can't remember their names.  We gave our boat to Geoff's friend, Brian. We let the neighbors use our kayak down at the creek.

We have two granddaughters nearly age 17 and 14 and one not yet two years old out west.  A grandson is due in late Dec.  Life holds surprises.  Joe "retired" but his status is murky and he is frustrated with some of the old politics, not from his good friend who owns the firm but from some underlings. 

When a Doctor is Sick

Up here in the north our neighbors down the street are casual friends.   We go out to lunch or dinner once or twice a year.  At one point we were part of a dinner group that kind of dissipated.  They have one daughter, a young adult.

Their dog had cancer and subsequently died.  I went to the vet with my neighbor and their dog (who was actually wonderful and gave us lots of time).  Then  I saw the husband ashen - faced when he came back from the vets after putting her to sleep.

Then during the pandemic - nothing.

He is a local doctor and she works for a large corporation.

I saw him one rainy spring day shortly after we got back from Florida.  We were down at the small community marina getting our kayaks cleaned by a local service the community had hired.  I doubt I will ever kayak again but it seemed the decent kind of activity to support.  I knew he often went out kayaking early in the morning. We were the last neighbors served and we chatted easily about nothing while waiting.  He lent me his umbrella as the rain became a downpour and then he tipped the kayak-washing guys and we walked up the hill..  I asked him if they were going to Nantucket this August and he said they weren't sure (COVID was still around).

Then one sunny weekend day in June he was trimming some bushes in the yard and felt weak and suspected a stroke.. His wife arrived home from shopping shortly afterward and by that time he was almost paralyzed.  She insisted the ambulance take him to Hopkins.  In retrospect, I wonder if that time delay going to Hopkins was a problem.  Our local hospital could have addressed the stroke, stabilized him, and then transferred him.  Hindsight!

He has been in Hopkins for almost two months.  He is finally walking with a walker.  She believes the hospital is trying to"push him out".  Arrangements are being made to transfer him to a rehab facility.

How fast lives get turned upside down.

Be Prepared

 My mother was my Girl Scout leader, much to my embarrassment in grade school.  She liked camping, crafts, and the overall wholesomeness of it.  Years later when I went to a grade school reunion and Mom was still alive an old classmate said, your Mom was our Girl Scout Leader.  Nothing else. Not how is she? Kind of weird.

I really never liked Scouts but I went along to please Mom.  One motto, Be Prepared was always remembered, if not adhered to.

I think now of friends who had sudden life changes thrust on them and were not prepared.  A friend and neighbor down the street has a lovely home but no downstairs bedroom/bathroom.  Her husband was trimming some bushes in the yard and had a stroke.  He will need months of rehab and their home cannot accommodate him.

Years ago we put in a downstairs bathroom with roll-in shower and other handicapped-accessible features here in our home up north.  Then my husband fell down the stairs, had a concussion and needed downstairs accommodations.  We turned his den into a small bedroom and it works perfectly.  Next year we plan to change our rarely used LR/DR into a downstairs suite.  We will live in the downstairs completely which will be fine.  We even have the upstairs for guests our deck and porch and our garden in the backyard which I love.  If necessary the bedrooms can be used for caregivers.

Now to get those closets cleaned out.

When to Keep Silent

 An old friend of my husband's and his wife and their family lived at quite a distance.  We would see them maybe twice a year at most when she would come to visit her parents nearby.  The wife was an only child, a severely disabled sister had died at age 12.  The wife had a childhood "best friend".  They went to different high schools and different colleges. Still they stayed in close touch. 

When my husband's friend and his wife came into town they would get together with her old best friend and her husband.  They were still close but their circumstances had changed.  The best friend had married into landed gentry.  My friend's husband was a highly trained professional but he drank too much and spent recklessly.  He would pick up the check at a dinner with several friends, travel for a month every year to Europe, travel every year to class reunions.

As they aged, the friend and his wife should have been comfortable if not rich but he was still working long past retirement, drinking, living high and living a lie.  The wife had inherited considerable property from her parents.  She sold it off one parcel by one parcel to support their lifestyle. One little piece was left but it was hemmed in by properties and did not have road access.  The property was worth something to a nearby business owner who watched as my friend's wife (now a widow) didn't pay the county taxes.  My husband and a friend who is a lawyer and another friend who is a realtor in that area tried to help the wife out.  The advice was, just pay the back taxes and sell the property to the business owner who is waiting to get it cheap at auction.  The wife could certainly use the money.

The wife/widow, was stuck in their original home because ultimately the husband took out a reverse mortgage to pay his debts. The house is in an area that has changed and has no value. Before husband got the reverse mortgage they tried to sell the house,  no takers.

Husband left the wife in a hell of a mess financially, plus he was a hoarder (a neat hoarder of mementos but still...).

Yesterday I met the wife's old friend and her husband for the first time because I wanted to drop some memento off to them.  They live on a farm that has been in his family for generations.  Extensive land holdings.  Old money. 

As we talked, I realized this friend had never visited the wife, did not know her financial situation. All the contacts were when the wife came back to visit her family or friends. At one point the friend said to my, I told her, just sell that house and buy a condo here.  At another point the friend said, why is she stressing about that little piece of land (I guess it is worth 100K).  Just give it away!

I was noncommittal.  But as I think of it, I think how horribly sad.  I knew the wife's parents.  They thought she had married well.  They would be so distressed to learn their property was sold off until the money ran out and their daughter has no options in life except clearing out her husband's memorabilia.

Don't look a Gift Horse in the Mouth

 A Florida neighbor, who hails from Canada, has been stuck in Canada during the pandemic.  He emailed recently with an update and a request.  He was shopping for new condo insurance.  He was paying X dollars and asked who do we use and what do we pay.  I said we are paying more than X and he has a good deal, however we like our company and agent. He wrote back that he could put us in touch with his agent and that we were paying too much.

My first inclination was to say, no thanks.  Then I thought, why not?  I'm not going to switch but why not be gracious and take the name of his agent?  People like doing that kind of favor; make them feel like good neighbors.

I remember years ago a neighbor wanted to give me her 10 year daughter's outgrown clothes for my younger daughter.  I turned it down.  I think she was insulted.  In retrospect, I could have just accepted the clothes and donated them or picked out one or two for my daughter to wear. 

So I said yes to my helpful neighbor.

He sent me the information. Maybe I can use it at some point, who knows.

Resilience

 Books and articles increasingly are focusing on resilience, basically coping strategies for dealing with adversity, "bouncing back" from a difficult experience.

A friend  recently sent me information about an upcoming webinair on resilience. This friend has faced adversity and is doing well, it appears.  Her daughter married badly, many years ago.  This was before the internet.  The daughter and husband had a baby, the husband was abusive. Here's what my friends, her parents, did.  They quit their jobs. Meanwhile, their daughter applied for a job transfer to the West Coast.  All of them - parents and daughter and baby moved to the West.  They told only two friends.  Just disappeared.  A kind of do-it-yourself witness protection program.  My friend said, we know he will find us, but this will give us a few months to get settled.  He found them ultimately and launched multiple legal assaults, none successful.  The child never wanted anything to do with her father.  The child grew up safe and secure.  The daughter remarried a "good guy".  Now that child is finishing college and has been accepted to a prestigious law school. 

As a postscript, not everything has gone perfectly.  The good guy husband, still in his 50's, died of cancer.  My friend's husband died of cancer.  The daughter has found another job in the same West Coast location. But the granddaughter went to college on the East Coast.  Now she is going to law school on the East Coast.

So now it will be just my friend and her daughter on the West Coast.  My friend is thinking of her future and the possibility that her daughter, who was her lifeline during the pandemic, will re-marry and possibly move away and/or make another job move.  

My friend is wondering what her next move will be.