Oh, the people you will meet

We have been back home for almost two months now.  Good grief....how the heck did that happen.  Time is compressed when you run around, catching up and that is what we have been doing.  Dr and dentist appts, plumber, carpenter bee guy, appliance guy, landscaper, etc. Finally have a good haircut and nails done 5 minutes away.  Been cleaning out boxes but not fast enough.  Giving stuff away but not fast enough.  Seen family and friends. Spent a week at our family timeshare.  Hosted our daughter and her husband for a week, had dsughter's friends and their families  down to our cottage for a crab feast (weather fortunately was good).

Now we are at the hot and humid and horrible season.  No more gardening....too hot.....walking Zoey minimally....too hot.  Staying inside.  Just like winter but the opposite.

Yesterday, I went back to my nail gal, second time since we came back from Florida.  No one was there except one or two people.  As I walked back to my chair where I left my purse, a heavy set middle aged woman calls out, very officiously, "Ma'm, don't ever leave your purse on the floor!!"  Why not, I ask.  "All the energy from your money will go into the floor', says she.  Well, maybe that's a good thing say I.  Ohhhh, no, says she.  What about credit cards? Them, too says she.  Otherwise she seemed perfectly normal.. 

It is not always what you expect

In our new community, it has been somewhat hard to meet people with the exception of our immediate neighbors.  Unlike our old place there is no golf, no community activities, no real nexus for meeting people.

This year, of all things, we met an old college classmate of my husband's living a block away.  We had lunch with them once at the (non golf) club we joined, then again when another classmate (who happened to be this guy's old roommate) joined us.

So we are here for Easter again, wanting to avoid traffic back.  Plus, wanting to avoid non stop work, drs, lawyers, accountants and plumbers appts, etc. to face.  And that just the first week!

The community here in our "new" Florida condo has a small clubhouse for use by residents.  Very small and it houses a small library, a kitchen,  a room for events, card and domino playing etc.  We were invited by this old friend to join him and some friends at this clubhouse for a potluck dinner in Easter.

I was assigned the sweet potato casserole.  Huh?  Ugh.  That did not auger well with me.  I imagined the worse.  Dotty old people with fussy old food.  I almost cancelled, pleading a "bug".  But we soldiered in....

Was I ever surprised.  The people were delightful, the food was amazing and the event well organized.  It was well worth putting ourselves out to go.  Plus, now I'll know all the owners of the poor little dogs Zoey intimidates on our walks.

Getting your affairs in order, including your beneficiaries

Death and taxes, and disbursement of your "assets''. Putting our affairs in order.    None of us wants to face that unpleasant subject, at least I don't.  I do the obvious stuff, but do I do all the dotting of the i's?

My sister's ex husband died last month.  He had small cell lung cancer (or was it non small cell - the type that is very aggressive).  He was a larger than life man.  A man's man, big, expansive, powerful, funny.  Very likable in public but he had another private side - he was abusive to my sister who hung on to the marriage until he asked for a divorce so he could live with the woman he had been seeing for years.  My sister was shocked that he had someone, which shows how powerful a defense mechanism denial can be.

Then came the final reckoning...the will.  The deceased left his girlfriend a few hundred thousand. Then he left the grand kids his  investment account...to be in trust for them until they are 25.  His girlfriend is the executor of that trust, not his daughter, my niece.  My niece and her father had a strained relationship, mainly because of the way he had treated his wife, her mother.  However, he told her as he was dying that she was the beneficiary of his pension (the old fashioned pension that companies no longer offer) and she would get monthly benefits.  She was getting nothing else. Then came a package to my sister from her ex's former employer.  She was listed.as his beneficiary, not his daughter.  The listing of the beneficiary was done  at least 20 years ago when my sister and her ex were still married.  It was never changed, although apparently my sister's ex thought he had changed the beneficiary from his ex wife to his daughter.

My sister plans to turn over the payments to her daughter for whom they were intended.  However, the payments will only continue for as long as my sister is alive.  Her daughter will surely live longer and could have benefited from payments for a longer period of time .

The moral of this story is to tie up those loose ends and be sure everything is the way you want it when you die.

Winding Down

April is the month of exodus from Florida for "snowbirds".  This year is no different although many friends leave a little later than April 1 to avoid traffic. Renters typically leave April 1 after a three month stay.  See you next year, everyone says.  When are you coming back ask those who stay here longer.  Depending on how far North  they are from, some friends stay here most of the time, going back to New England, for example, in June.

I feel sad to leave Florida.  I love it here, mainly for the weather which is sunny and in the 70's every day.  Our condo is comfortable, the community beautiful and life is mostly manageable. Not much to drive you crazy except the traffic.  Zoey loves it too.  She loves our vets where we take her for day care, she loves our walks, mostly. I like this condo community which has the right balance of privacy.  Not so much forced socializing.  

Everything we have at home we have here.  I have a little garden outside our lanai.  The kids come and visit and we do things with them.  We see old friends who converge on Florida from other states.  Everyone is at the same point in life.  Getting cataract surgery.  Getting knee or hip replacements.  Getting ill.  It's easy to get dr. appointments.  A zazillion doctors are here.  The only thing I've had a hard time with is hairdressers - finding a good one.

I call friends back home whose husbands are sick.  That is so unfair... terrible illnesses such as MS.

Yesterday a friend said to me, every year we'd say, see you next year to everyone.  Now I wonder she said.  I said, me too,

Financial planning in retirement

My husband is still working, unlike most of our friends. Like the thought of death and taxes, financial planning is up there in the "hate to think of it" realm.

But it is time. 

My husband and I have had a will since our kids were little and set up a trust with an estate attorney several years ago.  I thought most of our ducks were in place.  But things change and I need to modify the trust. Fast, actually.

I also have found a financial planner, fee only, who appears competent and trustworthy.  He has set up a retirement plan for us.  We need to see him tomorrow to go over it.  I prefer to use a fee only person since clients pay for and respond to their advice, but they do not manage retirement assets which adds fees.  Also managers don't always have a fiduciary responsibility to clients - can use "suitable" investments, not "best" investments.  These folks earn commissions on what they sell.

How did I find this fee-only guy?  It was somewhat hard.  I found a woman fee only advisor by goggling but she had a waiting list and she said that, anyway, she was moving to asset management  That's where the money is for these guys.  She recommended a guy, just starting out. Although he was "just starting out' in his own business, and had the CFP designation, he was 71 years old, working on his own for less than a year and didn't have long term involvement in the financial services field.  I goggled him on social media and found he didn't have any clients!!!  Plus he was charging more hourly for advice than the guy we are going with.   Glad I looked further.

The guy we are working with has had more than 30 years managing his own firm.  He has multiple certifications, including one related to insurance.  I'm hopeful this will work out and glad at least we have a summary of assets, etc. to work with.  He literally forced us to face what we have not wanted to face.

My advice when choosing a planner.  Make sure they are working for you, preferably a fee only planner.  Look at fees and other costs.  Read, read, read about qualifications and track record of who you hire.  Interview at least three prospects. You can always run a simulation on line using a robo planner. There are many robo plans available on the internet.  They might be a good start.  However, they typically don't take into consideration every aspect of retirement or complicated financial issues.

More advice: be careful of annuities. They have the highest commission of any financial service product, something like 12 1/2 percent .  Planners will push them for that reason. It helps their bottom line, not yours.  They are simply insurance products and those planners who  push them are just salesmen. 

In the end, it is up to you to do this planning.  Don't hand it off to someone else.

Old and Alone

An email from a neighbor back home "up north".  Our film teacher, a free-spirited old hippie type of woman, was being kicked out of her home.  By her daughter and son-in-law!.  The story goes like this: film teacher had built a little house on property owned by daughter but they had never gotten along.   A neighbor reported a code violation and turns out teacher never had a building permit. County is telling teacher to move, tear down the house or move it but she has no place to go.  And no money. 

This neighbor knows I have a cottage that is unused most of the year. Maybe our film teacher could stay there?  I said no, cottage is not insulated, not suitable for habitation.  Bottom line, I don't want to rent or loan our cottage.  Maybe I should feel guilty but instead I'm wary.  I did call a few friends for the teacher but she has no money to pay rent.  How can you expect a stranger to take you in when your own daughter won't?

This situation made me think of the frightening situation of people with no family.  Friends of ours here in Florida have no children.  They live in a large home here nine months of the year, in New England the other three months of the year.  My friend said that her sister and husband lived in her community and that is why she and her husband moved there.  Then sister's husband died, then sister died.   Our friend said she never bothered to make new friends in that community since they were always a foursome.  She has friends but not anyone in the community to even greet.

Then my friend in Maryland told me she thought she might move to the East Coast of Florida to be nearer her youngest son who was married last summer.  Her reasons were compelling, particularly the practical awareness that her other son who lives near her currently is totally distant emotionally and her guy friend might pre-decease her.  Then she would be alone.  She explored the idea with son and guy friend . Youngest son isn't crazy about the idea and neither is the guy friend so my friend is deferring this decision for now.

A Friend's Decision

I have a long time friend from back home who is a widow and has been with a guy friend for 10 years or so. She met him on line on a dating site called J Date, for Jewish singles.  Before she met him, she met a couple of creeps.  I couldn't do it but I admire her bravery and determination.

My friend is the type of person who makes lemonade out of lemons.  Her life has not been easy.  Her husband was a difficult man who died suddenly.  She stayed in the home where they raised her children and where she had a clinical practice.  Money was tight but she was very planful and careful.  She would take the Metro to DC when I would drive and pay for parking.  She exercised, and walked, went to the Arboretum and other parks where entry was free.  She kept up her practice and at night took dancing, yoga, voice lessons and sung in a choir.  She wrote and published a self help book. She attended conferences to keep up her skills.  She and her guy friend travel extensively, go to shows all over, are always doing something.

The Old Lady and her cat

I've never owned a cat.  Never have been particularly interested in them.  But I understand their benefits for many people : they are  independent and require less care than dogs while still providing companionship.  Secretly, I think of dogs as superior - more companionable and loving.

So today, I was at the vet's with Zoey, dropping her off for day boarding.  An old lady, shuffling painfully and slowly while carrying a cat cargo bag was coming in at the same time.  I wondered briefly about how such a physically limited person could care for a pet.  I opened the door for her.  As we waited, we spoke.  She told me her cat was a "cat of the week" in the local newspaper.  When she called about the cat, she was told it would be available for adoption at 10;30 a.m. the next day.  She didn't take any chances, arrived at 9.  Clever. She got the cat, named it Roger Rose, a beautiful reddish Persian. Who knew people would line up for cats?  Who knew someone who appeared incompetent was mentally sharp as the proverbial tack?

Lesson: Don't judge a book by its cover.

Gratefulness

Had lunch two days ago with old old college friends.  It was a delightful day from beginning to end.

First, I had to drop Zoey off at Doggie Care and then blast up I-75 to our friends' golf community their community, South of Ft Myers.  I'm grateful I'm still driving.  I avoid it at night since my vision is bad but if the area is familiar, I can remember the road signs and be a fairly safe driver.

Arrived only 5 minutes late at their clubhouse.  My friend and I went to Cypress Slough and were dropped off by the husband who went elsewhere (probaly Starbucks).  No parking fee since husband went off and would pick us up.  No entrance fee. 

Cypress Slough is owned by Lee County and is an astonishing place with a long boardwalk over the "slough". Informative guide, perfect weather, just perfect amount of time (1 1/2 hours).  i took photos of snakes ( 3 different kinds!) and birds and learned quite a bit.  I'm grateful I can walk the approximately 2 miles of boardwalk.  There were people in wheelchairs but there is nothing better than walking and learning.  I'm grateful can still learn  - particularly about the trees, eco-climate, snakes, alligators and birds of Florida. I learned something useful - alligators can run fast for about 25 feet.  So now I'll be less cavalier about the alligators in our pond here.  I learned something amazing about alligators: their tails absorb heat to warm up their bodies.  no heat, they die.

So I'm grateful to be independent and pain free and able to participate fully in just about everything that can happen in retirement.

Losing It

Visits from friends and family bring a  deviation from what passes for routine.  Then there is the added issue of fading memories.  Recently, we set off for Naples Botanical Gardens with Zoey and relatives in tow.  We planned to leave early to beat the heat and crowds but my sister in law never emerged from the bedroom until after we finished breakfast.  She had overslept.  We left an hour later and I was trying to contain my irritation.  I packed a bagel for her in a baggie to eat on the way.

My husband, in what only can be explained as an unconscious attempt to sabatoge the trip took the most impossibly circuitous route down there, adding time to the drive.  Zoey had to sit on my lap since we didn't plan for her to not be able to fit on the seat with four of us in the car.  Fortunately, she no longer vomits in the car.  But she was panting heavily with the heat and anxiety.

When we arrived, I found I had forgotten my membership card, necessitating a trip to the window where the officious volunteer ladies reign.  Then my SIL said, where's that bagel you brought for me, I just took some medicine and need to eat something fast.  I looked in my purse, no bagel.  SIL had to buy a scone.

The sun was high, the heat was uncomfortable.  We didn't stay long. Off to a little pizza/subs spot for lunch.  My husband wanted to pay but found he had lost his wallet.  After a long trek to the car, fingers crossed, he found it had fallen under the seat.  Whew.

Then we walked to the dock.  I was annoyed to find somehow I must have left my sunglasses at the pizza spot since they were not on my head or in my purse.  My SIL's sunglasses looked suspiciously like mine.  But they couldn't be, could they?   Then I realized.  Hers were blue rimmed, mine were brown.  Yup her blue rimmed sunglasses were in her purse.  Guess what, so were the bagels I had packed.  I had given them to her as we left the house.   

After arriving home we retired to our rooms for what passed for afternoon naps.

What was interesting was my SIL had earlier mentioned in private that her husband was losing words and they had an appointment with a neurologist to check him out for that dreaded "memory loss".  BIL seemed to remember things better than the rest of us.

Self-awaeness

Hosting family for a few days here in Florida. They are good company, convivial, helpful, and generous - bring gifts and paying for dinners out.

But. But.  Something that is probably out of their awareness - storytelling oneupsmanship.  They counter eerything we might mention with something better.  If we mention , for example, that a friend's daughter is going to Hawaii on her honeymoon, then they know friends who are taking their extended family for a month to Hawaii.  If we mention the experience of a hospital stay, they mention how their doctor gives them special treatment because he is a friend of a friend. If we mention how friends' children are doing well, they will mention a high school friend who married 5 times, each time marrying further up until the last marriage (to a man whose name is well known) yielded two castles in Ireland, a penthouse in  NYC, a sprawling home in Key West etc. 

In their life, all their children are good looking and successful, their friends are prosperous and loyal and their lives are better than anyone's on the planet. It gets old fast.

Expect the Unexpected

Developmental psychologists tell us certain life events are ''normative".  For example, most kids start to read around age 7.  A kid who reads at age 2 is a prodigy and his/her  reading abilities are non-normative. We start to get old and feel our age at 65.  That's the norm.  Feeling old at 35 is non-normative and can signal a disease. 

My husband works with a man who was a rising star in their firm.  The man was in his 50's and had children who were just about launched.  Then, one day, while on a treadmill in his gym, he started to feel strange.  Got off the treadmill and went into cardiac arrest.

That was more than a year ago.  The man has suffered brain damage and his short term memory is gone; he has bursts of anger and is demanding.  What happened was catastrophic,  certainly  for the man, his wife and his family.  He went on disability.  The president of the firm, a very decent person, distributed the man's clients among other staff.  The man went ballistic.  He wants it all.  Disability payments. His clients back.  His salary back. He screamed at one of the people who took over one client, saying she was not qualified.  Left her in tears.

 How is this type of situation resolved without litigation?  The president of the firm is trying to keep the clients since the firm gets a percentage.  If this brain damaged man keeps the clients he will lose his disability and ultimately the clients.  A lose-lose for everyone. 

Disability insurance is one of the things young people don't consider.  The disability policy through my husband's work only lasts for two years and pays a fraction of his salary.  Unless this man has another disability policy outside work or source of income, he is facing life with diminished resources.  

Only in Florida

....do you see a sign on a main road offering concealed gun permits.  And they will come to your home to fill out the paperwork.  Good God!

...do you see a standard poodle painted in patches of color all over his body. EWWWW.

...do they have Greyhound racing not too far from us.

...do I go to get Zoey a bath and haircut and the pet care place has a zillion little dogs behind the counter barking and squealing.  I think they double as a daycare place for dogs.  Gotta be a money maker!!

...do you see a strange black animal run across the yard behind our condo. 

...do I forget about coyotes and worry about cane toads

...do I search in vain for a decent hairdresser

...do we go to a concert and the mc asks how many in the audience were born in Florida and no one raises their hands

I'm fading rapidly

So said an old friend when a group of us were out one evening.  She has Altzheimers and she is aware of what she is losing.  I can't write she says.  But I can read.  I'm frankly horrified to hear this. Last year she stopped using email and the computer. Two years ago her doctor said she had to stop driving since she was getting lost.

Later, she called me up and asked that I don't repeat what she said.  She doesn't want anyone to know.  But they all do, of course.

 More recently her family, children and siblings had a big party for her in the town where she was raised.  Fancy hotel, etc. She was looking forward to it.  So what happens.  A young group from another party push past her and she falls.  Back injury that might need surgery.  Awful.  I need to call and take her out for lunch.

A sweet thought from a sweet old man

I was standing on line at Staples today, waiting to get some documents scanned and emailed. Took Zoey with me after calling ahead to see if she would be allowed in (they said yes).  Ahead of me on line are two men.  One, a tall skinny guy  starts showing me pictureS of his reddish pit bull.  She's really a pretty dog, said he.  I agreed. People don't like pit bulls he says, but they can be the sweetest dogs.  I agreed.  I don't say I would never own a pit bull.  He had a Boston Terrier but his ex wife got it in the divorce settlement.

A little old man in front of him pipes up.  I've owned many dogs he says, just remember, a dog is the only creature who will put his own life ahead of yours.  That's a beautiful sentiment, I say.  I've never heard that before. He is pleased.  A sweet sentiment but I don't really believe it.  Dogs act instinctually.  They have no cognitive capacity to choose their death over our own.  Still, a sweet thought.

The store manager walks over, smiling.  Are you the person who called about bringing a dog in? Yup, that's me I say.  She beams.   I wave to her as I walk out.

Settling in

Our trip to Florida was tiring but uneventful.  As we did last year, we arrived Christmas Eve and unpacked as much as we could.  We took too much down with us!!! oh well.

Had Christmas dinner with the friends we joined last year. Last year we ate out.  This year one couple had us to their home.  She did it up royally, beautiful gold and white table, no effort was spared.  This is a childless couple, very kind, very giving.  They have a large home and a little dog she inherited from her sister.  We took oey with us but she and the little dog didn't get along (predictably).  A pleasant time.

Then we joined these same friends for New Years Eve.  Again, a lovely time.  But I realized that these old friends (from our younger political days in Maryland) are at least ten years older than we we are..  How long can this last  ?

I feel the need to make an effort to meet new friends, do new things.  This community is not amenable to it since it does not have the core activity of golf, or a clubhouse with a million things to do  etc.  I walk Zoey, wave hi but don't really connect. I like the anonymity but it might become isolating at some point.  We always have company so there is a certain busyness.  But this year we will have less company so it might be the year to branch out.