Florida Bound

In 36 hours we will somehow leave for Florida.  Somehow.  Meanwhile, our "kids" left yesterday for their yearly trip to NYC early in the morning early we did the Christmas celebration here on Sunday.

This was an odd celebration.  Our daughter married a man last summer with two 20ish daughters.  They both came east to visit and stayed with us ALONG WITH OUR DAUGHTER AND her NEW husband, their father. It was hard on them.  Their mother died 5 years ago in December.  We are a noisy, irreverent bunch.   Rowdy. I think they were bowled over by it. 

Our niece recently graduated from college and is living in Maryland.  She joined the mix. We invited her and her boyfriend whom we had never met.  Granddaughter 2 rolled her eyes and said, "Another boyfriend?"  She has a way with saying just the right thing.

I worked non stop to make all go well.  Wrapped all the gifts way ahead of time.  Prepped the Gumbo so that it would be easier to finish on time.  Still, chaos reigned with some awkwardnesses between the new and old family, and our niece and boyfriend getting harassed by the g'daughters .  Harassing unsuspecting new comers is their stock in trade.  Like Meet the Parents on Steroids.

I kept thinking, this will be over soon.  Please,  But then I realized this may never happen again.  This is a most likely one time event to entertain these people.  In the gauzy eyes of hindsight it will be lovely to remember.

Then today I had to get ready for Florida but was feeling bummed.  Too much the hostess and damage control to enjoy our Christmas.  Oh well.

Decided the perfect antidote was helping others - not my family, and not those who expect it.  Took a tray of food to my long winded neighbor whose wife broke her hip and is in rehab.  Took a book on New Zealand to neighbors who are interested in traveling there. Perhaps most satisfying of all, was bringing gift cards to a family that is struggling.  They were very appreciative.

The Gutter Guy

This fall has been a stream of getting ready for winter and leaving for Florida - more than ever. We had to get the entire house painted and new blinds because Zoey chewed the old ones.  Oh, and new window sills. She chewed them, too.  Then there was the regular maintenance - window guy, Joey. the fireplace guy, Sean, the appliance repair guy, Dave, the carpet cleaner Don, ...ah, yes, then a new gutter cleaner, Calvin

I go on Yelp these days and typically have good results.  Calvin had "wow" 5 star ratings on Yelp and gazillion 5 stars on google.  His business had a strange name and he had no local address.  But I signed him up over the phone and he arrived on time.

Calvin was 50 ish, dressed all in black with a gold crucifix around his neck.  He was balding and compensated for this by growing the curly fringe around his skull all the way down to his shoulders.  But what alarmed me was his belly.  Surely one of the largest I have ever seen.

Well, he looked with chagrin at our house.  Couldn't clean the gutters with gutter guards, says he.  The guys who did it before were scamming me, etc. I figured Calvin wasn't up for the climb and looking for an excuse.  I wanted to get it done.  So I told him to take off the gutter guards and get to work.  But where was his crew?  I work alone, says he.

Big belly Calvin, sucking on his cigarette, climbed ladders all day and did an excellent, if expensive job.  One of these days he won't be so lucky.

Advice for Widows: Don't be a Taker

Don't be a "taker".  It is normal to bask in the love and concern of loved ones. Just don't over-do it. Reciprocity is the key word here.  Friendships are give and take.  I try to make it a rule of thumb to give more and expect less.  I'm not a widow yet and I hope I never am. My husband is so dear and precious that I cannot imagine life without him.  But self-sufficiency is important to me.  I know how to do things, arrange for repairs, manage our money.

A neighbor and good friend has always been critical of another neighbor. For some time I thought it was because this other neighbor can be obsessive about gardening and pepper the critical neighbor with questions like, "Where did you get that plant".  The good friend neighbor is an outstanding gardener with an eye toward design.  I thought she was being over-critical.

Then the obsessive neighbor's husband died.  He was a sweet, dear man with a hobby that filled his basement with tools, etc.  The obsessive neighbor got lots of help from her deceased husband's friends in sorting and classifying the old tools and her grandson  put them for sale on Ebay.  That's kindness.  But then I noticed little things such as this widow asking the helpful friends to pay for any tools they wanted.  We are talking about $7.00 stuff.   I noticed her next door neighbor, elderly and fat, sweating over her ancient lawnmower, trying to fix it.  The second time I walked by and saw that, I said the local hardware store can do that.  Oh, it's done, said she, missing my point.  We don't even own a lawnmower.

My awareness increased when the critical neighbor told me the widow calls her home every week asking the neighbor's husband for help.  She has three sons, said my critical neighbor, what is their role?  Every week, I asked?  I was aghast.

Sometimes you need to step back and see the whole picture.  I realized my interactions with this widow over the years have been pleasant but one  sided.  I have heard about her sons' crazy marriages ad nauseum.  I'm sure they would be humiliated to know I know so much.  I doubt this widow neighbor who is always eager to chat about her psycho daughters in law (and yes, they are psycho)  knows the names of my children.  She never expresses any interest in their lives or mine, outside a perfunctory how are you.

This neighbor is totally unaware of all this pattern in her personality, saying people have been so kind.  I think of her husband.  He was a giver.  She has probably always been a taker and I have been an enabler.....

Forget volunteering

When I first retired, I thought I'd have lots of time to volunteer.  No way.  Life closed in with other activities, including taking classes and I realized I didn't want to tie myself to a schedule any more.  Enough with schedules! The  closest thing was when I volunteered as a Park Ranger for our local Parks and Rec dept.  Best part of that was no schedule.  Sign in when you wanted to do it.  Unfortunately, our old dog Rebe became infirm and I wanted to be with her more. So I stopped volunteering at the Park.  I don't think they noticed.

Recently I had lunch with an old friend, a former music teacher who retired several years ago.  She said, forget volunteering, this is my time. She has had a long and difficult marriage to a demanding, controlling, skinflint and workaholic man. Fortunately, he made lots of money working all the time and not spending any. She bought a condo on the beach many years ago where she spends every summer.  He hates the  beach.  That solved her summer problem.  Then she started taking world cruises every winter.  He hates cruises. That solved every winter for her.  She loves music and dancing so she started taking dancing lessons.  He hates dancing.  Problem solved.  she goes on cruises alone or with her sisters or friends and dances the nights away.

The rest of the time, she goes to professional events with him, visits their out of state children and grandchildren, eats out at great restaurants a lot with him and in general has a live-in presence.

I think he has no idea that she despises him.

The most beautiful wedding

It was a most beautiful wedding.  Our daughter, a very independent professional, was married on the West Coast.  She married a widower with two almost-grown daughters.

We rented a house with our sons and their families for 5 days and that provided a base for the many events. Her  friends hosted a Ladies lunch (at her home) on Thursday, where we shared food,  stories, and poetry.. Then my husband and I hosted a rehearsal dinner for just about everyone who was in town on Friday.  Her friends and his friends introduced themselves and again shared stories. It was enjoyable and heartwarming.  Unlike the weddings of many 20 somethings, our daughter and her new husband had a history that included childhood and other long term friendships and for him, friends he made as a couple with his wife.  One daughter stood up and explained how, when she learned her Mom was dying, she thought "What will become of my Dad?", then how she found the idea of his new relationship challenging.  She expressed herself beautifully, explaining that our daughter was so open hearted and welcoming to her and her sister that she immediately knew the new marriage was the right thing.

I never thought our daughter was the type to make much ado about a wedding but she did it up with elegance and sophistication, hiring a wedding planner and attending to exquisite details like what kind of votive candles to purchase and sprinkle throughout.

The wedding itself was more storybook than any wedding I have attended, held in the evening at a winery in a bucolic setting. As the sun set they were married by an old friend who acted as officiant. Family members on both sides walked slowly down the isle (we had to count to 20 and then start down the aisle).  My husband walked our daughter and our two sons walked with me.  A family friend walked the grooms' mother. There were no bridesmaids but there were flower girls (our granddaughters) and two brothers as ring bearers.   We walked down a path to a grassy area for wine and appetizers, then up to a tent to eat outside.  She had beautiful place settings - grey tablecloths and gold beaded chargers and  cream, white and blush roses and hydrangeas as flowers.  And many candles on the tables and throughout.  A grouping of large white vintage lights (rented) hung way above, strung on the tent.

That's when the wedding planner came in handy. Bored, the flower girls and ringbearers started to play, climbing a tree and doing whatever kids do when adults aren't paying attention. The youngest flower girl started to swing around the tent post and the vintage lamps started to sway. A disaster was averted when the wedding planner stopped her before the tent fell down on all of us.

Dehydration

The weather has been hotter than usual - and we typically have very hot summer weather.  While walking Zoey, I spoke recently with a very slender neighbor who had always been a vigorous and conscientious walker.  Haven't seen you for awhile, I said.  Oh, I had the oddest thing happen, said she.  We had company for several days and I was running all over the place with them.  I wasn't eating much; didn't feel hungry. Then one evening, I was so tired, I just laid down.  Then I started vomiting.  Went to Urgent Care, they did blood work, thought I was dehydrated and wanted me to go to the ER.. No way, I went home and started drinking water. Next day, Urgent Care called , said my pancreas (whatever) was sky high and to go to the ER.  When I did, the blood test was normal.  The water brought all of my blood work back to normal.

Her case is similar to my dog walker who was driving while dehydrated.  Crashed into my mailbox .  Twice.

Both women are very slim and don't "like" water because it makes them feel stuffed/bloated.  I suspect both are functional anorexics.  They just eat and drink barely enough to stay alive.

Wedding issues, bad manners, and other assorted human behaviors

Our only daughter is getting married for the first time at an age when most of her friends have teenagers.  She is marrying a fantastic guy, a widower with two almost grown children.

Our daughter has lived across the country for a dozen years.  This will be a small wedding, a few friends and family.  Nonetheless, they will have all the trappings: rehearsal dinner, cocktail hour before sit down dinner, evening outdoor setting with lots of candles, flowers, dancing  and wonderful atmosphere.  It will cost quite a bit, but she and her fiance are paying for it themselves.  Both are independent professionals and do not need more stuff.  They have said "no gifts".

My husband and I are only peripherally involved.  What surprises me is the reaction from family and friends.  First of all, I say to friends it is not a big wedding - only family with a few of their closest friends.  That lets them know they haven't been deliberately excluded.

The reactions range from strange to entitled to gracious.  First the strange.  One of my closest friends has mentioned nothing to me about the wedding, no questions or comments.  My husband says, of course.  It's too painful for her.  Her only daughter never got married and is in a mediocre career. Still...  Another friend has not been in contact at all.  Her life is complicated but she is always the type of person who delights in talking about her children.

Stranger still is the fact that casual acquaintances and neighbors ask about the wedding, what does her dress look like, how did they meet etc.   Maybe I need to re-think who my friends are.

Then the entitled.  My niece asked if children were invited.  I said no, it is a very small wedding.  Later, I added the information that the venue doesn't allow children (which is true). My niece said, I understand.  My sister, not the most stable beacon of maturity, tried to guilt me by saying her young granddaughter had already bought a dress for the wedding and would be so disappointed. They are not coming (ostensibly since they didn't have babysitters for the kids) and no word from them asking about the wedding plans or sharing in our joy.

Then the gracious. A long email from my husband's brother explaining that they were sorry they couldn't come.  His wife has serious health issues.  Then he said, he knew they didn't want gifts but how about experiences....could he send them a gift certificate to an experience (he named a few). I appreciated the tone and considerateness of the email.  It was nice to learn that some people shared in our joy,  truly regretted not going and contacted us to let us know.

I know from hearing stories that weddings can bring out the best and worst of people. My SIL told me about her oldest daughter's wedding where no children was specified on the invitation.  The groom's out of town sister called and asked for special treatment for her two children.  MY SIL said no and the woman flew in with her two children anyway.  She was told at the door they couldn't attend.  My SIL said this woman snubbed her at family functions for years afterwards.

Around the hoods, part 2

Zoey and I do a longish walk around our community twice a day.  After a frightening experience in a nearby community last summer, I stick to our two block "neighborhood" for walks.

Each walk is pleasantly interrupted by short talks with neighbors, visiting one neighor's garden or just catching up with gossip. I like this superficial friendly onnectedeness.  Most recently, at twilight, I fell in step with neighbors, a married couple I've never known well.  They were delightful to talk to, and we have much in common.  Yet, she was a non-stop talker about everything and everyone  and I was glad our walk didn't go beyond 10 minutes.

Yesterday, as the "heat dome" kept almost everyone inside, I passed our long winded 90-something neighbor on his hands and knees digging out weeds from his gravel driveway.  He takes great pride in doing most everything he has always done.  There is something to be said for that.  Amazingly, they live in a three story home with a basement that is his office - and he goes there daily to write his memoirs.

Up and down the stairs...that's tempting fate my mother would say.

Around the 'hoods, part 1

Our cottage on the Chesapeake is unnecessary, really.  Our kids are too busy to go there more than once or twice a summer, usually when we cajole them down for a crab feast.  Still, I love to drive there alone, walk Zoey, talk with neighbors, and admire the new osprey platform that was finally installed.

No good deed goes entirely unpunished, however. Pushing the concept through the HOA was slow....then the application was draconian.  I tried to dot my i's by tracking down and calling  contingent homeowners on the creek front (the platform would be out in the creek).  I drew up a rough map to show the technician who would install the platform where it would go....

Then a snafu.  As the application progressed, one homeowner objected to my map (a rough drawing for installation purposes), saying it didn't show his ownership of the land abuting the creek (most property there is non-riparian).  That stalled the project sufficiently so that the narrow time frame for ospreys to nest on the platform passed.

At least it was installed.  The objecting homeowner has been  polite but frosty toward me ever since. Crazily, the platform is best viewed from his property so a community-sponsored project has benefited  him most!

At the Beach

How's this for contradictions?  I'm a water person but not a "beach" person.  I don't like the sticky sandy messiness of our Atlantic ocean beaches although I remember fondly last winter watching dolphins jump as I sat on the Gulf of Mexico beach in Florida.

Here's the difference: crowds and stifling heat and suntan lotion that congeals with the inevitable sand.  That's the negative.

Still, the "beach" for many Americans is the quintessential vacation.

Carrying this image in my mind, I drove to our son's place on the beach 2 hours away.  He was there alone with his two daughters (his wife was working and my husband was working on a deadline for large projects).  He loves the beach; the girls not so much. Too sticky, sandy and boring.

We did all the usual things in the 2 days I was there - boardwalk, ice cream, going down to watch the sunset and lighting those color sticks.  He is such a good dad and someday I hope the girls appreciate the memories he made for them.

When things fall apart, part 2

While my daughter was visiting here for one night and coping with impossible situations of her own making, I was having my own disaster control.

My husband and I arrived late last night from the west coast.  Mistake number one: we flew into an airport we didn't fly out of.  We drove our car to the first airport and left it there instead of taking a cab.   Don't ever do that !!!  Now we have to drive up to airport number one and and get it.

Then our "extra" old car wouldn't start due to a dead battery.  My husband left one of the tuning signals on .....Triple A came out but the guy said the battery was completely dead and would be hard to resurrect.  The battery was only 3 months old but I bought a new battery and had him install it.Got THAT off my plate, anyway.

Before this car issue even hit my awareness, I fed Zoey her breakfast but couldn't find her Prozac.  It was left at the vets when my husband boarded her before the pet sitter came.  The vets didn't give it back in her doggy bag and neither my husband or my pet sitter noticed.  Prozac should not be stopped like that.  Damn.  But she seems fine.


Then my cleaning woman called and said she would be late. Late?  I forgot I rescheduled her for today!!!  She arrived with her daughter who parked her car in a spot in front of our house.  Backing out to run an errand, I sideswiped her daughter's car.  No dents, just paint.  Daughter looked like she would cry.  I said, get an estimate, I will pay for it.  She still looked like she would cry and said she would get an estimate and left.

Then I walked our yard and noticed that all the expensive stuff I put up to deter deer didn't work.  No daylilies this year...the deer ate most.

Well, things can always be worse.  And I try to keep all this in perspective.  What bothers me is what bothers our daughter.  Some stuff is avoidable, like hitting a parked car.  Some isn't, like deer foraging in the yard.....

When things fall apart

Our daughter is an accomplished professional but somewhat scattered and tends to over-schedule, as does my husband.  Daughter lives on the West Coast but comes east for meetings.

When she is here, I feel as if everything dissolves into chaos and crises.

This trip was a disaster for her.   She had a morning meeting at a Federal agency in suburban Maryland and could have actually just stayed in a hotel right there and turned around and gone back to her home on the west coast.  However, she decided to stay one more day and see her brother and nieces who live nearby.  First of all, we were not here.  Our good car was at the airport.  Our old car's battery was dead. So she couldn't get around once she got to our house the second night.  Her brother who lives nearby picked her up and she went over there (taking Zoey with her).  But first she stayed in DC before going to her meeting.  She flew in to an airport that was cheaper but then she wasted time and money getting to DC for her hotel.  Then the next day she had to take a variety of public transportation from DC to get to suburban Maryland.  Then more public transportation to get here.

It gets worse.  This was an important meeting with big guns attending. She was so revved up the day before from the travel with a 3 hour time difference, she couldn't sleep in the hotel.  She got 2 hours sleep.  She felt she didn't perform well at the meeting and make a statement that the biggys disagreed with.  She left the meeting frustrated.

This morning she looked at her return ticket and saw she booked a different airport at a later time to fly home.  Then she dissolved , saying she is not organized, can't keep track of time or space, despite multiple efforts.  I tried to suggest coping strategies but that made her madder.  She said she has done everything she can...has a professional organizer, has a tech organizer, has all kind of books, etc.

All I could say was, you have strengths in different areas. You can't be perfect....etc.

Well, she wasn't happy with whatever I said but she made lemonade out of lemons by calling an old friend  and getting together with her in the extra time before she departed.

In the meantime, my day was also crisis management.

An Unusual Fourth

My husband and I typically don't celebrate the 4th of July in any big way. We almost never travel due to traffic, prices and general chaos.  Even getting to our downtown parade and fireworks requires shuttle buses.

This year we planned an especially quiet holiday since we had spent the preceding Thursday and Friday driving to an out of town  family funeral.

Our niece had just last week moved to the area after graduating from college and getting a job in a nearby engineering firm.  Thinking she might be lonely, we had asked if she wanted to come over for the 4th but she said she had college friends coming down.  Then on the third, she texted us asking what we were doing.  The friends had gone back home.

Well, our son and family were out of town and I wondered if spending time with us might be a little boring for her....But I invited her over.  She said yes.

My husband and I debated what to do with her....it was rainyish out.  We decided to go to our Bay cottage since we could have a picnic at the pavillion by the creek.  I raced out to Whole Foods for picnic food: crab meat, corn on the cob, salad, watermelon, cookies, etc.  Made crab cakes and prepped the corn on the cob, packed it all up.  She said she'd bring over a board game. Apparently they had a board game and wine night at her college.

We had a terrific time. The anticipated heavy rain was merely drizzly so we ate, walked Zoey around the community, talked with the few neighbors who were out, looked at the new osprey platform and played a board game called Packo (I think).  It was fun and something I could buy to play with the grandkids.

Advice at best is ignored

A call this a.m. from my husband's cousin's husband.  This cousin has had Altzheimers for several years, starting at a relatively early age.

We had called the husband last night upon hearing the cousin was now in hospice, expected not to last the month.  We left a message and the husband returned the call this a.m.

Husband has decisions to make, most notably about cremation versus burial.  Their priest had asked which he wanted.  They had never really had the conversation but he "thought" she said she was OK with cremation.

I remembered the old adage "Advice at best is ignored"

I discussed the pros and cons with him, never giving my opinion.  He thought a viewing would be nice since she knew so many people in their town, also from church and women's groups (who knew?!).  These people would like to view her.  I consider the viewing a medieval ritual held over from the days one had to be sure the right corpse was being buried or that the person was not still breathing and would be buried alive.  Every time I go to a viewing I have to take a deep breath. And. Walk. In. Slowly.

But it is a very personal decision.

All I said was, well, that sounds like it would be  important so maybe they could have a viewing and then a cremation???  He said something non-committal.  He just needed a sounding board...

A lot on his plate and a call coming in from his urologist as we talked.  Husband has prostate cancer (on top of everything)  and has to decide whether to go ahead with treatment.

Social events that aren't fun

We have a family event coming up that is always tedious.  However, a conflict came up and we must be somewhere else. Yippee.  I feel guilty because I am so happy to be able to avoid the first event.

A friend commiserates.  Don't feel guilt, says she.  This way you'll avoid feeling resentful if you go. So true.

Resentful versus guilty.  Such a choice.  But that is what friends are for.

The "begrudging", as the old Irish would say.  I chose guilty.

Pariahs

Well. it has come to this.  Zoey and I were out walking this morning and I stopped to chat with a neighbor I hadn't seen in awhile.  Her wonderful husband, now deceased, famously called Zoey "half a cat'.

Down the street, heading toward us I spy a man in an orange shirt.  I don't recognize him until I see his dog,  Max.  They see us at the same time and cross the street and head the other way.

We are now pariahs since the ill fated evening a week or so ago when Zoey, my "half a cat" dog nipped Max in the corner of his eye.  Dear timid Max, a Havernese who always "loved" Zoey, according to his owners.  Well, that relationship is down the drain !!

They used to be such good friends, Max's owner says, anthromorphising Max.

Do dogs really have friends?  Maybe some do. Zoey doesn't care about dog friends.  Only people.

I'm feeling paranoid.

How did I get such a dog in my old age???  A dog who has separation anxiety so badly she chewed through the screen on our porch when we left the house recently.  So where did she go after a frenzy of screen-chewing?  All the way to our front yard, sitting in the shade, waiting for us.

This is a dog no one else would have.  A dog who is on Prozac and two other meds for anxiety.

How did I end up with this dog who is anti-social??  A dog that is such a predator my husband can't hold her leash when he walks her at night.  What is she after, I ask.  Rabbits, he says.  Where, I ask. Everywhere, he says.

Yet she is loving and most of the time just ignores other dogs in neutral territory like the Arboretum or Botanical Gardens.

No one else would keep this dog but me.

My long winded neighbor

Since arriving back in Maryland, we have seen most of our neighbors, mainly from walks with Zoey.  I like it that way.  Short, cheery chats, maybe some gossip, nothing too onerous.  Then I amble on, bye-bye, driven by my sniffing dog..

Today, of course, I spy the one neighbor who is relentlessly wordy. The one neighbor i don't have time to visit with.  He is 90-ish and still seriously alert but at least this time didn't hold me hostage with one of his stories.  He was gossipy and just funny enough. He's originally a New Englander.  My wife Jen (says he)....her name is not Jennifer.  She was born in Kentucky.  They only named children with three letters there. J - E - N. Her mother, too, was named Jen. Just Jen.

He ambled on, assisted by his cane, a-sniffing out the highs and lows on the neighborhood, then my neighbor turned down the next street and I had to admire him - that's a mile walk he had undertaken.

Elder shock

One of the experiences we haven't yet gotten used to, and we never will, is seeing our friends, relatives and neighbors die.  Sure, they have died all along.  But now they are our age or younger and they are dying.  That is a severe shock.  Death is real.  It really is real.

The sadness that accompanies these deaths, the loss of these people forever is tinged with the existential fear of loss of self.  I now think of that too much.

This past week we went back to the timeshare my parents purchased almost 40 years ago.  All of our small family was there, a nice, cozy, comfortable feeling.  We all could plunge back when we closed our eyes and remember the times when we were young, when life was endless, when the future was limitless.  The place we go too is unchanged in many important ways and improved in other important ways. Wonderful memories.  My sister's grandson, aged 9, cried when we left.  His sister was sad, as were our grandchildren.  It was a kid's idea of paradise.  Maybe that's where we should all go when we die?  Too bad we don't get a choice.

May already!!

Carpe Diem....

It has been just about a month since we drove home uneventfully from Florida with Zoey and we haven't stopped running from day to day.

The mundane (home repairs), the necessary (dr appts) and the delightful (visits with family and friends) have crowded together.

This Mother's Day was especially enjoyable since we went down to our Bay cottage and combined eating on the deck with necessary upkeep and maintenance.  Our son and his girlfriend brought a picnic lunch - home made and thoughtful.  The weather was unusually Goldilocks perfect and the granddaughters went with me for a long bike ride to the next community where they have a playground on a long stretch of Bayside beach. We all attempted, unsuccessfully, to play Capture the Flag and left while it was still daylight.  My husband thoughtfully cleaned up my beach bike for me - I've rarely used it and it has sat in the garage for years.

A very thoughtful gesture came from a neighbor - the second husband of a friend.  This friend is younger than I by a dozen years, the daughter of a friend who was older by a dozen years.  We've known each other forever.  My friend has not had an easy life. Her first husband, still in his 20's, died of an auto accident when a car racing from a police chase crashed into his car which was stopped at a red light.  My friend was pregnant with their second child at that time.  Fortunately, her parents lived nearby and were a strong source of support until her mother died, maybe 20 years ago.  Her father remarried shortly thereafter to her Mom's best friend (this happens often).  Dad and new wife moved to a nearby state and all was well until my friend (he children now grown) met someone she decided to marry.  Her father had objections - unreasonable ones - and has not spoken to my friend since. This is a source of great sadness to my friend.

Yesterday my friend and her new husband were alone at their home.  My friend was still recovering from knee surgery (painful!) a month ago.  I stopped off to say hi and her husband said he noticed the kid who was mowing our yard was doing a lousy job (he was).  It's a ticklish situation.  The young man who mows our yard seems to be the nicest kid in the world but rather slow.  I'm overpaying him for a bad job because he lives with his grandmother and is still grieving for his grandfather who died last year.  We don't live down there and it helps to have this kid and his grandmother who live near us kind of watch out for our place.

Our friend's husband said he would come over and weed wack our badly mown lawn.  He did.  I should have asked them to join us for our picnic or at least at least send some food over. I didn't, selfishly.  We were just having too much fun as a family.

It gets worst, from my perspective.  Our friend said he'd just mow our lawn for us, to let the other young man go since the boy now has finished high school and has a full time job.  My friend's husband said he enjoys being outside, etc.  I said I'd pay him.  He said no.  I don't like owing that big a debt to anyone. Neither does my husband. I'll think it over. 

Girding for company

We have ourselves almost totally booked for company this year. I'm ambivalent about so much activity. Already we had friends from home staying for 4 days last week and that was pleasant but I need down time which I didn't have with them, as thoughtful and helpful as they were.

My sister and her best friend come next week and then the day they leave, my husband's college friend and his wife arrive for 8 days seguing into a two day class reunion of sorts in St Augustine. Then we spend an extra day visiting a professional colleague and his wife, staying at their place. I hate staying at someone else home but at least it's only one night.

We have the tail end of Feb free but only because my husband will be back at work, attending meetings.

Then there are the kids in March, still undecided on when they will come.

Then we go home.

I'm fortunate I love Florida, especially the weather and beauty.  But also the new condo we bought two years ago beautifully fits our needs. Size, access, convenience are decorated to our tastes and perfectly suited to our needs.

My old college friend and her husband rent here in Florida, have rented here probably for the past ten years. Her husband, very pragmatically states it is not financially beneficial to own a second home if you actually spend less than 5 months in Florida. But I visited her yesterday and her rented condo was cluttered with the owners"stuff": knick knacks, pictures, food in the pantry.  Yuk. That's like camping out in someone's place, very temporarily and alienating.  They are looking for another place to rent for next year, a real nuisance.

A Tale of Two Dinners

We seem to be forever doing something these days, especially since so many friends from throughout the country converge in Florida in Winter.  That doesn't include the visitors - family and friends.  I joke that next year we'll go to Minnesota for the winter.

My husband and I looked at our schedules, including his work/travel schedule and decided that we had three days in which to "pay back" friends for dinners of years past.  We divided the group into two couples for each dinner and I thought I'd be clever and do the dinners back to back.

It seemed logical to have exactly the same meal each night, combining the prep for each meal. So I made Ribollita for the soup.  Stored half in the frig.  No problem. Made a fennel rice dish, stored in fridge. That left asparagus (easy) and fish.  For one group I purchased sea bass.  For the other red snapper. Used somewhat different miso recipes for each fish dish.  The sea bass the first night was outstanding.  Everyone raved.  The red snapper on the second night using a slightly different recipe was awful.  First, the red snapper was a thick slab, undercooked and tasteless.  I distributed the fish to the seated guests and then realized it wasn't done. Then back to the broiler, fish crusty and cooked OK. But still tasteless. Plus, I forgot to add condiments (lime wedges, etc) that might have made a difference. Plus the asparagus and rice got cold waiting for the snapper to cook.

Oh yes, and for the second group I tamped down appetizers. left a very good quality cheese on the table in the living room, along with crackers and nuts.  Woops. I entered the room to hear them say watch out, Zoey is licking the cheese!  She only got the corner someone said, so I cut off the corner.  No one ate the licked cheese.  I'll bring it to the Superball party friends are having Sunday night.

I think everyone soldiered through the meal.  Enormous silence as they chewed.  And chewed.

So is there a lesson in this?  Maybe I was too complacent the second night?  Maybe I didn't pay attention to the timing of each dish (easy to do these days).  Maybe I shouldn't have cooked snapper in miso if I have never cooked it before?

It was a little embarrassing.  Oh well, they will forget.  So will I. I hope.

Learning from Your friends

We had old friends visiting recently.  I carefully planned the trip ahead of time so that we would have an interesting and enjoyable visit. He is a night owl and she is up at dawn so we had to plan around their hours. Plus my husband had to take a few phone meetings throughout.

My friend is wise.  This guy she met on a dating site many years ago.  He isn't the love of her life but he adores her and they have a very active social life that includes travel, theatre, new experiences and new people.  She put herself out there on a dating site, took a chance, met some odd characters and then this guy came along. He is OCD, germ phobic, somewhat emotionally shallow but very smart and good company with decent values. She has thought through the relationship and enforces her boundaries.

He'd like to live together but she has nixed that.  They see each other Thursdays and Saturdays when she sleeps over at his place. She rarely has him at her place since his condo is closer to downtown.

When they were here I noticed that she actually doted over him like the proverbial mother hen.  She has a tendency to do that anyway since she is a therapist and a bit of a rescuer.   But I realized I ignored my husband in comparison, only noticing him when he did something annoying, misplaced something, was late for some event, drove too fast or other irritating things.

So after watching my friend navigate her relationship, I have been trying more to listen to my husband, praise the things he does well, ask for his opinion, soothe his wounded feelings when he feels down, not try to win every argument.

It ain't easy.