Advice for Widows: Don't be a Taker

Don't be a "taker".  It is normal to bask in the love and concern of loved ones. Just don't over-do it. Reciprocity is the key word here.  Friendships are give and take.  I try to make it a rule of thumb to give more and expect less.  I'm not a widow yet and I hope I never am. My husband is so dear and precious that I cannot imagine life without him.  But self-sufficiency is important to me.  I know how to do things, arrange for repairs, manage our money.

A neighbor and good friend has always been critical of another neighbor. For some time I thought it was because this other neighbor can be obsessive about gardening and pepper the critical neighbor with questions like, "Where did you get that plant".  The good friend neighbor is an outstanding gardener with an eye toward design.  I thought she was being over-critical.

Then the obsessive neighbor's husband died.  He was a sweet, dear man with a hobby that filled his basement with tools, etc.  The obsessive neighbor got lots of help from her deceased husband's friends in sorting and classifying the old tools and her grandson  put them for sale on Ebay.  That's kindness.  But then I noticed little things such as this widow asking the helpful friends to pay for any tools they wanted.  We are talking about $7.00 stuff.   I noticed her next door neighbor, elderly and fat, sweating over her ancient lawnmower, trying to fix it.  The second time I walked by and saw that, I said the local hardware store can do that.  Oh, it's done, said she, missing my point.  We don't even own a lawnmower.

My awareness increased when the critical neighbor told me the widow calls her home every week asking the neighbor's husband for help.  She has three sons, said my critical neighbor, what is their role?  Every week, I asked?  I was aghast.

Sometimes you need to step back and see the whole picture.  I realized my interactions with this widow over the years have been pleasant but one  sided.  I have heard about her sons' crazy marriages ad nauseum.  I'm sure they would be humiliated to know I know so much.  I doubt this widow neighbor who is always eager to chat about her psycho daughters in law (and yes, they are psycho)  knows the names of my children.  She never expresses any interest in their lives or mine, outside a perfunctory how are you.

This neighbor is totally unaware of all this pattern in her personality, saying people have been so kind.  I think of her husband.  He was a giver.  She has probably always been a taker and I have been an enabler.....