Every time Zoey and I take a walk through our neighborhood, we have conversations with neighbors that are often informative/entertaining and provide a connectives to our small community.
Today it was a pretty slender neighbor in her 80's. Forget stereotypes. This neighbor walks 5 miles every day. If she doesn't do it outside, she does it on her treadmill inside. She was a former skating champion and has the figure of a 20 year old. She still runs her (deceased) husbands business with the help of her daughter and SIL (he's her IT guy). As we spoke she discussed getting the new Iphone 11 and how so many older people don't use technology. She mentioned looking up her stocks on her phone and how she is glad she bought Apple and Amazon stock back in the day (but wished she bought more). Then we discussed tax law changes and how the new changes will revert back to the old law in 2025 and that will hurt heirs of people with assets of 11 million (a problem I don't have). Zoey sat patiently while we discussed all this.
Then another neighbor with enormous family problems was outside in her garden. She has an ex DIL who is pathologically narcissistic and whose grandchild is suffering terribly in a new blended family she doesn't fit into. My neighbor is close to this child and perhaps too over involved herself. But that is easy for me to say.
Zoey and I never got down to the water but we were out for an hour on our "walk".
Saturday, September 14, 2019
The perfect guest
We have had many guests over the years, both here up north and in Florida. We tend not to be overnight guests ourselves, if possible. In recent years, especially, we enjoy the anonymous comfort of a motel.
Sometimes being a guest cannot be avoided. I recall a recent stay at my husband's sister'home where the bed was hard and the room cold. It felt like a prison cell. We never said a thing. But next time....
After a recent week long stay by a friend here in our northern home who never confirmed when exactly she would arrive and how long she would stay, I formulated these rules for guests.
1. Be specific about your plans and if you are using the home of your hosts to visit other friends, tell them that. Your hosts can use the time you are gone!! Remember, after 3 days fish and guests start to stink.
2. Don't drag your hosts along on day trips you want to take, unless they really want to go. I recall a friend who visited both here and in Florida and dragged me on shopping excursions where it was all about her needs. If you want a pink glitter pillow, go to Michaels and get it, don't drag your host along with you.
3. Not necessary but appreciated - a small gift - soap, dish towels, food that keeps (coffee) etc. an email saying you arrived home would be nice, too.As the cliche goes, it's the thought that counts.
4. Respect your host's time. They have a life that goes on while you are visiting. Take naps, bring a book and go off into the porch/a quiet spot and read it, Give your hosts some down time.
5. Don't comment on host's food, eating habits ("Do you get enough protein?'), cooking utensils, coffee maker, choice of appliance repairmen (don't laugh), missing phone charger ("I never lost my charger") etc. Advice at best is ignored. One upsmanship and implied criticism is never appreciated. So don't walk around commenting on host's life choices. Unless your choices are perfect and you didn't just go to Dunkin' Donuts and buy a dozen donuts (that only you ate). So many of these behaviors are rote and unconscious that it helps to self-monitor our interactions for negativity or criticality or over-helpfulness.
You are happy when your friend arrives but sometimes you are indeed happy to see them go.
Sometimes being a guest cannot be avoided. I recall a recent stay at my husband's sister'home where the bed was hard and the room cold. It felt like a prison cell. We never said a thing. But next time....
After a recent week long stay by a friend here in our northern home who never confirmed when exactly she would arrive and how long she would stay, I formulated these rules for guests.
1. Be specific about your plans and if you are using the home of your hosts to visit other friends, tell them that. Your hosts can use the time you are gone!! Remember, after 3 days fish and guests start to stink.
2. Don't drag your hosts along on day trips you want to take, unless they really want to go. I recall a friend who visited both here and in Florida and dragged me on shopping excursions where it was all about her needs. If you want a pink glitter pillow, go to Michaels and get it, don't drag your host along with you.
3. Not necessary but appreciated - a small gift - soap, dish towels, food that keeps (coffee) etc. an email saying you arrived home would be nice, too.As the cliche goes, it's the thought that counts.
4. Respect your host's time. They have a life that goes on while you are visiting. Take naps, bring a book and go off into the porch/a quiet spot and read it, Give your hosts some down time.
5. Don't comment on host's food, eating habits ("Do you get enough protein?'), cooking utensils, coffee maker, choice of appliance repairmen (don't laugh), missing phone charger ("I never lost my charger") etc. Advice at best is ignored. One upsmanship and implied criticism is never appreciated. So don't walk around commenting on host's life choices. Unless your choices are perfect and you didn't just go to Dunkin' Donuts and buy a dozen donuts (that only you ate). So many of these behaviors are rote and unconscious that it helps to self-monitor our interactions for negativity or criticality or over-helpfulness.
You are happy when your friend arrives but sometimes you are indeed happy to see them go.
Reverse Mortgages, another take
The widow of my husband's college friend came to visit last week. The husband, a highly trained professional, had run their financial situation into a deep hole through extravagant travel and hobbies. The widow had her own resources (an inheritance) which the husband also squandered in recent years.
Finally, their debts overwhelmed them. The husband had maxed out his credit cards and cashed in his whole life policy.
The husband died suddenly last winter without a will and left his widow with an overwhelming mess.
Before he died, he insisted they take out a reverse mortgage. The wife wanted to declare bankruptcy but the husband countered with, Doctors don't declare bankruptcy. He was living a lie and didn't want to burst others' perceptions. Pride goeth before a fall, as my mother always said..
The widow told me she never wanted the reverse mortgage, fought against it, and now wants to pay it off because interest on the advances is accruing. The issue is, she has no money except social security. What is she going to live on? She can't pay off the reverse mortgage and sell the house because they tried to sell the house for years. No luck. The neighborhood has declined and the house has deteriorated.
A reverse mortgage is a last resort. Our friend's wife needs the money from the reverse mortgage. Sure, interest is high, but she has no other option. She is chained to the house which I really believe is worthless. When she dies or sells the house, the house reverts to the bank. Her children will not "inherit" the house; maybe they will get what funds haven't been used through advances and interest. Having the bank liquidate the house will actually be a blessing. The house will be a worthless nightmare for the bank.
This is a circumstance where the widow should take the money, as much as she can, and run.
I tried to gently approach this issue with my friend, but she has her mind made up.
Finally, their debts overwhelmed them. The husband had maxed out his credit cards and cashed in his whole life policy.
The husband died suddenly last winter without a will and left his widow with an overwhelming mess.
Before he died, he insisted they take out a reverse mortgage. The wife wanted to declare bankruptcy but the husband countered with, Doctors don't declare bankruptcy. He was living a lie and didn't want to burst others' perceptions. Pride goeth before a fall, as my mother always said..
The widow told me she never wanted the reverse mortgage, fought against it, and now wants to pay it off because interest on the advances is accruing. The issue is, she has no money except social security. What is she going to live on? She can't pay off the reverse mortgage and sell the house because they tried to sell the house for years. No luck. The neighborhood has declined and the house has deteriorated.
A reverse mortgage is a last resort. Our friend's wife needs the money from the reverse mortgage. Sure, interest is high, but she has no other option. She is chained to the house which I really believe is worthless. When she dies or sells the house, the house reverts to the bank. Her children will not "inherit" the house; maybe they will get what funds haven't been used through advances and interest. Having the bank liquidate the house will actually be a blessing. The house will be a worthless nightmare for the bank.
This is a circumstance where the widow should take the money, as much as she can, and run.
I tried to gently approach this issue with my friend, but she has her mind made up.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)