Health is the most important aspect of aging to address and can be the hardest.
1. Find a good primary care physician (PCR) or gerontologist. Maybe you had someone great whom you trusted for years and s/he retired or left your area. I had two who were terrific. Then they were gone. They haven't been replaced easily because PCPs are a rare commodity now. The reason is Medicare and other insurance that reimburses much less for PCPs than for specialists. A friend, a dermatologist, told me it is hard to make a living as a PCP in my state. My podiatrist told me the same thing, adding that state insurance commissions set reimbursement rates. We live now in both our northern state and Florida. It was hard to find someone adequate. Many physicians are becoming concierge. For a fee of $2500- $4,000 you can hire a physician who will be accessible on short notice. Accessible doesn't mean better. Just better than Urgent Care or the ER.
2. Avoid falls. They can be life altering, indeed life shattering. Everyone my age has had falls. Everyone. Recently, a very energetic friend (walker, right weight, healthy eater) was Christmas shopping and tripped in the mall, fell flat on her face. The consequence: hematoma behind her eye with possibly post-concussive syndrome and two bones broken in her nose. There can be a cascade of other symptoms after a medical event like falling happens. My friend has fatigue, and now has a UTI and other problems, went to the ER twice at night in the past ten days. Another friend who has limited vision missed an outdoor step at a friend's home and ended up with broken bones. She is still not OK. Broken bones take longer to heal when we are older. A third friend last year came into her kitchen after gardening. Her shoes were wet and she skidded across the kitchen floor, hitting her head on the granite counter and lying in a crumpled mass until her son (who is divorced, moved in with her) came home from work. She now has disabling back pain. It goes on. I recently was discussing falls with an old college friend who is out of state. She said, I've had three falls in the past year. After the third, I decided I'd better get serious about avoiding falls. Acting on a hunch, I asked her if all these falls were outside. She said yes. I suspect that outside means unfamiliar walking territory and maybe distractions that make us more prone to falls.
3. Do some exercise, avoid alcohol and try to eat healthy. No brainer. Do what you can. I have a friend who is disciplined and walks through our "up north" neighborhood doing 10,000 steps. Two other neighbors, equally disciplined, do the same route, dividing it into two 5,000 step walks - morning and night. I'm not that disciplined, I walk the dog, she sniffs, I saunter but it is something. Find a routine and time you can live with. I see neighbors walking past my condo at 7 a.m. No way am I doing that before my third cup of coffee! The alcohol issue is important. We metabolize alcohol slower/differently and losing our balance after drinking can lead, of course, to falls. Eating healthy for me is avoiding sweets (don't keep them in the house) and cutting down on portion size. I still need to lose that ten lbs I've had forever!!!
Sunday, December 29, 2019
New Years Resolutions for Seniors
I have been thinking lately about the instabilities and vulnerabilities of growing old: we inevitably decline mentally and physically....some of us more than others.
Adaptation and awareness are my mantras. I have friends who do not use cell phones, computers or any modern technology available in the past 20 years. Their land lines still have the answering machine they mastered in the 1990's. They are struggling with doing what they always did because it feels familiar and safe. They are stuck in the past and that is dangerous.
I am going to post more regularly about what I see happening around me, with friends and families, and other individuals under my own little daily mantra: health. wealth, family/friends/other. I address each of these categories as often as I can and the mantra keeps me on task. I'll use my next mantra to address health.
Adaptation and awareness are my mantras. I have friends who do not use cell phones, computers or any modern technology available in the past 20 years. Their land lines still have the answering machine they mastered in the 1990's. They are struggling with doing what they always did because it feels familiar and safe. They are stuck in the past and that is dangerous.
I am going to post more regularly about what I see happening around me, with friends and families, and other individuals under my own little daily mantra: health. wealth, family/friends/other. I address each of these categories as often as I can and the mantra keeps me on task. I'll use my next mantra to address health.
Saturday, September 14, 2019
A walk through the neighborhood
Every time Zoey and I take a walk through our neighborhood, we have conversations with neighbors that are often informative/entertaining and provide a connectives to our small community.
Today it was a pretty slender neighbor in her 80's. Forget stereotypes. This neighbor walks 5 miles every day. If she doesn't do it outside, she does it on her treadmill inside. She was a former skating champion and has the figure of a 20 year old. She still runs her (deceased) husbands business with the help of her daughter and SIL (he's her IT guy). As we spoke she discussed getting the new Iphone 11 and how so many older people don't use technology. She mentioned looking up her stocks on her phone and how she is glad she bought Apple and Amazon stock back in the day (but wished she bought more). Then we discussed tax law changes and how the new changes will revert back to the old law in 2025 and that will hurt heirs of people with assets of 11 million (a problem I don't have). Zoey sat patiently while we discussed all this.
Then another neighbor with enormous family problems was outside in her garden. She has an ex DIL who is pathologically narcissistic and whose grandchild is suffering terribly in a new blended family she doesn't fit into. My neighbor is close to this child and perhaps too over involved herself. But that is easy for me to say.
Zoey and I never got down to the water but we were out for an hour on our "walk".
Today it was a pretty slender neighbor in her 80's. Forget stereotypes. This neighbor walks 5 miles every day. If she doesn't do it outside, she does it on her treadmill inside. She was a former skating champion and has the figure of a 20 year old. She still runs her (deceased) husbands business with the help of her daughter and SIL (he's her IT guy). As we spoke she discussed getting the new Iphone 11 and how so many older people don't use technology. She mentioned looking up her stocks on her phone and how she is glad she bought Apple and Amazon stock back in the day (but wished she bought more). Then we discussed tax law changes and how the new changes will revert back to the old law in 2025 and that will hurt heirs of people with assets of 11 million (a problem I don't have). Zoey sat patiently while we discussed all this.
Then another neighbor with enormous family problems was outside in her garden. She has an ex DIL who is pathologically narcissistic and whose grandchild is suffering terribly in a new blended family she doesn't fit into. My neighbor is close to this child and perhaps too over involved herself. But that is easy for me to say.
Zoey and I never got down to the water but we were out for an hour on our "walk".
The perfect guest
We have had many guests over the years, both here up north and in Florida. We tend not to be overnight guests ourselves, if possible. In recent years, especially, we enjoy the anonymous comfort of a motel.
Sometimes being a guest cannot be avoided. I recall a recent stay at my husband's sister'home where the bed was hard and the room cold. It felt like a prison cell. We never said a thing. But next time....
After a recent week long stay by a friend here in our northern home who never confirmed when exactly she would arrive and how long she would stay, I formulated these rules for guests.
1. Be specific about your plans and if you are using the home of your hosts to visit other friends, tell them that. Your hosts can use the time you are gone!! Remember, after 3 days fish and guests start to stink.
2. Don't drag your hosts along on day trips you want to take, unless they really want to go. I recall a friend who visited both here and in Florida and dragged me on shopping excursions where it was all about her needs. If you want a pink glitter pillow, go to Michaels and get it, don't drag your host along with you.
3. Not necessary but appreciated - a small gift - soap, dish towels, food that keeps (coffee) etc. an email saying you arrived home would be nice, too.As the cliche goes, it's the thought that counts.
4. Respect your host's time. They have a life that goes on while you are visiting. Take naps, bring a book and go off into the porch/a quiet spot and read it, Give your hosts some down time.
5. Don't comment on host's food, eating habits ("Do you get enough protein?'), cooking utensils, coffee maker, choice of appliance repairmen (don't laugh), missing phone charger ("I never lost my charger") etc. Advice at best is ignored. One upsmanship and implied criticism is never appreciated. So don't walk around commenting on host's life choices. Unless your choices are perfect and you didn't just go to Dunkin' Donuts and buy a dozen donuts (that only you ate). So many of these behaviors are rote and unconscious that it helps to self-monitor our interactions for negativity or criticality or over-helpfulness.
You are happy when your friend arrives but sometimes you are indeed happy to see them go.
Sometimes being a guest cannot be avoided. I recall a recent stay at my husband's sister'home where the bed was hard and the room cold. It felt like a prison cell. We never said a thing. But next time....
After a recent week long stay by a friend here in our northern home who never confirmed when exactly she would arrive and how long she would stay, I formulated these rules for guests.
1. Be specific about your plans and if you are using the home of your hosts to visit other friends, tell them that. Your hosts can use the time you are gone!! Remember, after 3 days fish and guests start to stink.
2. Don't drag your hosts along on day trips you want to take, unless they really want to go. I recall a friend who visited both here and in Florida and dragged me on shopping excursions where it was all about her needs. If you want a pink glitter pillow, go to Michaels and get it, don't drag your host along with you.
3. Not necessary but appreciated - a small gift - soap, dish towels, food that keeps (coffee) etc. an email saying you arrived home would be nice, too.As the cliche goes, it's the thought that counts.
4. Respect your host's time. They have a life that goes on while you are visiting. Take naps, bring a book and go off into the porch/a quiet spot and read it, Give your hosts some down time.
5. Don't comment on host's food, eating habits ("Do you get enough protein?'), cooking utensils, coffee maker, choice of appliance repairmen (don't laugh), missing phone charger ("I never lost my charger") etc. Advice at best is ignored. One upsmanship and implied criticism is never appreciated. So don't walk around commenting on host's life choices. Unless your choices are perfect and you didn't just go to Dunkin' Donuts and buy a dozen donuts (that only you ate). So many of these behaviors are rote and unconscious that it helps to self-monitor our interactions for negativity or criticality or over-helpfulness.
You are happy when your friend arrives but sometimes you are indeed happy to see them go.
Reverse Mortgages, another take
The widow of my husband's college friend came to visit last week. The husband, a highly trained professional, had run their financial situation into a deep hole through extravagant travel and hobbies. The widow had her own resources (an inheritance) which the husband also squandered in recent years.
Finally, their debts overwhelmed them. The husband had maxed out his credit cards and cashed in his whole life policy.
The husband died suddenly last winter without a will and left his widow with an overwhelming mess.
Before he died, he insisted they take out a reverse mortgage. The wife wanted to declare bankruptcy but the husband countered with, Doctors don't declare bankruptcy. He was living a lie and didn't want to burst others' perceptions. Pride goeth before a fall, as my mother always said..
The widow told me she never wanted the reverse mortgage, fought against it, and now wants to pay it off because interest on the advances is accruing. The issue is, she has no money except social security. What is she going to live on? She can't pay off the reverse mortgage and sell the house because they tried to sell the house for years. No luck. The neighborhood has declined and the house has deteriorated.
A reverse mortgage is a last resort. Our friend's wife needs the money from the reverse mortgage. Sure, interest is high, but she has no other option. She is chained to the house which I really believe is worthless. When she dies or sells the house, the house reverts to the bank. Her children will not "inherit" the house; maybe they will get what funds haven't been used through advances and interest. Having the bank liquidate the house will actually be a blessing. The house will be a worthless nightmare for the bank.
This is a circumstance where the widow should take the money, as much as she can, and run.
I tried to gently approach this issue with my friend, but she has her mind made up.
Finally, their debts overwhelmed them. The husband had maxed out his credit cards and cashed in his whole life policy.
The husband died suddenly last winter without a will and left his widow with an overwhelming mess.
Before he died, he insisted they take out a reverse mortgage. The wife wanted to declare bankruptcy but the husband countered with, Doctors don't declare bankruptcy. He was living a lie and didn't want to burst others' perceptions. Pride goeth before a fall, as my mother always said..
The widow told me she never wanted the reverse mortgage, fought against it, and now wants to pay it off because interest on the advances is accruing. The issue is, she has no money except social security. What is she going to live on? She can't pay off the reverse mortgage and sell the house because they tried to sell the house for years. No luck. The neighborhood has declined and the house has deteriorated.
A reverse mortgage is a last resort. Our friend's wife needs the money from the reverse mortgage. Sure, interest is high, but she has no other option. She is chained to the house which I really believe is worthless. When she dies or sells the house, the house reverts to the bank. Her children will not "inherit" the house; maybe they will get what funds haven't been used through advances and interest. Having the bank liquidate the house will actually be a blessing. The house will be a worthless nightmare for the bank.
This is a circumstance where the widow should take the money, as much as she can, and run.
I tried to gently approach this issue with my friend, but she has her mind made up.
Thursday, July 25, 2019
Financial planner versus money manager
As we age, we have to increasingly deal with our financial circumstances and future retirement: IRA's, 401K's, after tax brokerage accounts, pensions, annuities, life insurance, etc. Sometimes it feels like we don't always know how everything connected to our current or future retirement "fits" into a comprehensive plan. Perhaps it is time to get some advice. But, from whom? The financial services industry with its plethora of titles and qualifications (or lack thereof) can be confusing.
I started out more than two years ago to get some advice on our retirement investments. I didn't realize there is a difference between a financial planner and a money manager. We hired a "fee only" financial "advisor" who was essentially a money manager....to wit, a stock/bond/ picker. We didn't lose money. He bought blue chip high dividend stocks.. However we didn't need high dividends. . Dividend bearing stocks for older persons are one size fits all. My husband still works and we don't need to take dividends to live on. Indeed , we are still contributing to my husbands 401K. Worse. he bought these stocks and held them (the dividends paid for his fees). Zero sum gain.
Now,insult to injury, advisor fees are no longer tax deductible.
We could have used a more comprehensive approach. My husband is working beyond retirement age. We don't need taxable "income" We could have used a financial planner.
A financial planner helps you plan for current and future (overall) needs using comprehensive data about your situation such as savings/investments, income streams, property such as real estate, life insurance, disability and long term care insurance, other tangible assets and also tax/estate planning, assessing your plans, goals, desires for your future. Many variables must often be considered simultaneously and this could be a time consuming process, requiring filling out extensive questionnaires. I think it can be worthwhile to see a planner. Each individual or couple has a unique profile and financial/retirement needs.
If you want a "money manager"fine, but be sure that is exactly what you want.
Sunday, July 21, 2019
Stalkers
Many years ago, a friend's daughter was stalked by her dangerous ex-husband. The daughter took a new job across the country Her parents followed, quitting their jobs and telling no one where they were going. As my friend said, we know he will find us but it will take him a few months. They were fortunate; they had the resources to re locate and pay the attorneys fees for the many years of legal acrimony that followed.
Also many years ago, another friend's daughter, an only child, started calling me for "advice". The calls were too frequent, she exhibited a kind of pressured speech and a personal grandiosity along with entitledness that were indications of some serious mental health issues. Everything that happened to her was someone else's fault. I had a hard time getting off the phone; she actually acted irritated when I tried to hang up. Worse, she started complaining about her mother, my friend. I wish I had referred her for mental health treatment at the time. This was a serious boundry issue that I had goodheartedly fell into. Instead (this is how long ago it was) I got Caller ID on my landline. It was new then. I never answered a call from her again because I always checked caller id. I saw her rarely in subsequent years; when I saw her, she acted awkward around me as if she knew I had dodged her calls.
Fast forward and this now middle aged, well educated woman has never made a successful transition to adulthood. She has been unable to settle into a career. She can't keep jobs, especially jobs she considers beneath her. At one point she took two years off to go to graduate school for an on line non-marketable liberal arts master's degree. She borrowed money from her paternal aunt to pay for the degree and living expenses. She never paid the money back, claiming the job she obtained after graduating from this program didn't pay enough. The aunt stopped talking to her and my friend has to keep them separated on holidays and other social occasions.
Now this woman, my friend's daughter has suddenly re-entered my life, first emailing me. with several paragraphs of 'news' and suggesting we go out for lunch some time while I am back from Florida. I said I had considerable responsibilities over the next few months and couldn't commit. That is about as clear a rejection as a normal person would ordinarily understand. She then called asking for a favor for an acquaintance of hers. It was a small favor and I did it. I figured it was a one off. I hoped. But that was just an entre to connect. Now she is calling me again. Leaving messages on my cell and landline. (How did she get my cell number?) Overly familiar...are you still in the lower 48....dramatically effusive....I have a "teeny-tiny" question. I let the calls go to VM. Then I delete.
I said to my husband, am I paranoid or is she stalking me? She is stalking you, he said.
Therapists deal with this type of patient all the time...needy, manipulative, demanding. One solution for therapists to set strong boundaries: clearly delineated time and other issues (e.g. financial) Patients want to feel "special" and complicated transference issues can occur. Part of the treatment plan may involve discussing the pts demands for special treatment.
I'm not this woman's therapist. My decision is to ignore all her calls, emails, or attempts to contact me. Those are the boundaries that an ordinary person can enforce with a stalker. Simply ignore the stalker. That is awkward since she is my friend's daughter. However, I doubt she will admit to her mother that I am ignoring her calls. Too humiliating. Of course, I say nothing about this to my friend.
This is a simple, annoying stalking experience. Other stalkers can be dangerous. This post is limited to my situation. Other situations may require more legal or other measures.
Again, experts recommend ignoring a stalker. Don't confront. Ignore.
I feel sorry for my friend's daughter but enabling her stalking isn't helping her.
Also many years ago, another friend's daughter, an only child, started calling me for "advice". The calls were too frequent, she exhibited a kind of pressured speech and a personal grandiosity along with entitledness that were indications of some serious mental health issues. Everything that happened to her was someone else's fault. I had a hard time getting off the phone; she actually acted irritated when I tried to hang up. Worse, she started complaining about her mother, my friend. I wish I had referred her for mental health treatment at the time. This was a serious boundry issue that I had goodheartedly fell into. Instead (this is how long ago it was) I got Caller ID on my landline. It was new then. I never answered a call from her again because I always checked caller id. I saw her rarely in subsequent years; when I saw her, she acted awkward around me as if she knew I had dodged her calls.
Fast forward and this now middle aged, well educated woman has never made a successful transition to adulthood. She has been unable to settle into a career. She can't keep jobs, especially jobs she considers beneath her. At one point she took two years off to go to graduate school for an on line non-marketable liberal arts master's degree. She borrowed money from her paternal aunt to pay for the degree and living expenses. She never paid the money back, claiming the job she obtained after graduating from this program didn't pay enough. The aunt stopped talking to her and my friend has to keep them separated on holidays and other social occasions.
Now this woman, my friend's daughter has suddenly re-entered my life, first emailing me. with several paragraphs of 'news' and suggesting we go out for lunch some time while I am back from Florida. I said I had considerable responsibilities over the next few months and couldn't commit. That is about as clear a rejection as a normal person would ordinarily understand. She then called asking for a favor for an acquaintance of hers. It was a small favor and I did it. I figured it was a one off. I hoped. But that was just an entre to connect. Now she is calling me again. Leaving messages on my cell and landline. (How did she get my cell number?) Overly familiar...are you still in the lower 48....dramatically effusive....I have a "teeny-tiny" question. I let the calls go to VM. Then I delete.
I said to my husband, am I paranoid or is she stalking me? She is stalking you, he said.
Therapists deal with this type of patient all the time...needy, manipulative, demanding. One solution for therapists to set strong boundaries: clearly delineated time and other issues (e.g. financial) Patients want to feel "special" and complicated transference issues can occur. Part of the treatment plan may involve discussing the pts demands for special treatment.
I'm not this woman's therapist. My decision is to ignore all her calls, emails, or attempts to contact me. Those are the boundaries that an ordinary person can enforce with a stalker. Simply ignore the stalker. That is awkward since she is my friend's daughter. However, I doubt she will admit to her mother that I am ignoring her calls. Too humiliating. Of course, I say nothing about this to my friend.
This is a simple, annoying stalking experience. Other stalkers can be dangerous. This post is limited to my situation. Other situations may require more legal or other measures.
Again, experts recommend ignoring a stalker. Don't confront. Ignore.
I feel sorry for my friend's daughter but enabling her stalking isn't helping her.
Monday, July 15, 2019
A Dog Named Daisy
She was our friends' dog; a long haired sheltie. She was dignified and well behaved. Somehow the name didn't fit her. I never asked why they gave her that name.
Daisy had a type of bile duct cancer maybe 4 or 5 years ago. I went with my friend to the internal medicine vet who examined her. He was compassionate and spent more than an hour with us explaining treatment options. I was impressed. Daisy had her surgery and recovered,
Daisy took some time to heal. After she recovered, I happened to walk by her home with Zoey one day. Daisy ran out to greet us. Happy to be alive and happy to see us. She was not ordinarily an exuberant dog. Really, it was Zoey (not me) she was happy to see. Zoey was indifferent. Was Daisy's feelings hurt? Is that anthromorphizing dogs too much? I felt bad, not just for Daisy but that Zoey was missing a more human quality - the joy of seeing old friends. Indeed, Zoey and Daisy had spent much time over the years going on walks together with the neighborhood dog walker. It made no difference. On another occasion a group of us were standing around talking at dusk one night. Daisy got too close to Zoey and Zoey growled, scaring everyone, especially a 2 year old in a stroller. I never had a dog who embarrassed me before.As if we can control all of what our dogs do. We can't.
Daisy had to be put to sleep last week. Just the week before, she had stood around again with several neighbors and their dogs in the late afternoon. She backed up when Zoey got too close. She remembered. Zoey was no longer her friend. Never was her friend. To be clear, Zoey is not a snarling, barking, straining at the leash kind of unfriendly dog. She just doesn't want to have other dogs get within a foot or two of her,
Daisy's owner was ashen faced when he told me. He had just put her down when I happened to see him. I was seized with sorrow. Daisy the gentle, lady like sheltie was no more. My friend's wife, is beyond disconsolate. She went to the place where grief has no bounds. I remember my grief when our old dog Rebe died. I wailed like a banshee and shared a fifth of 20 year old Tawney Port with our son. Took the edge of grief down a notch. I thought I could see Rebe's spirit ascend to the stars that evening. My friend doesn't want to talk about Daisy. I understand. I'm crying as I write this. Crying for all the dogs we loved and all the dogs who were never loved, who wandered mean streets, who died frightened and alone..
Daisy's death hit me hard. No more benign and well behaved Daisy. No more incidental chats while out walking our dogs. A part of our lives here is gone forever.
I'll miss Daisy and all she represented. But Zoey won't.
Daisy had a type of bile duct cancer maybe 4 or 5 years ago. I went with my friend to the internal medicine vet who examined her. He was compassionate and spent more than an hour with us explaining treatment options. I was impressed. Daisy had her surgery and recovered,
Daisy took some time to heal. After she recovered, I happened to walk by her home with Zoey one day. Daisy ran out to greet us. Happy to be alive and happy to see us. She was not ordinarily an exuberant dog. Really, it was Zoey (not me) she was happy to see. Zoey was indifferent. Was Daisy's feelings hurt? Is that anthromorphizing dogs too much? I felt bad, not just for Daisy but that Zoey was missing a more human quality - the joy of seeing old friends. Indeed, Zoey and Daisy had spent much time over the years going on walks together with the neighborhood dog walker. It made no difference. On another occasion a group of us were standing around talking at dusk one night. Daisy got too close to Zoey and Zoey growled, scaring everyone, especially a 2 year old in a stroller. I never had a dog who embarrassed me before.As if we can control all of what our dogs do. We can't.
Daisy had to be put to sleep last week. Just the week before, she had stood around again with several neighbors and their dogs in the late afternoon. She backed up when Zoey got too close. She remembered. Zoey was no longer her friend. Never was her friend. To be clear, Zoey is not a snarling, barking, straining at the leash kind of unfriendly dog. She just doesn't want to have other dogs get within a foot or two of her,
Daisy's owner was ashen faced when he told me. He had just put her down when I happened to see him. I was seized with sorrow. Daisy the gentle, lady like sheltie was no more. My friend's wife, is beyond disconsolate. She went to the place where grief has no bounds. I remember my grief when our old dog Rebe died. I wailed like a banshee and shared a fifth of 20 year old Tawney Port with our son. Took the edge of grief down a notch. I thought I could see Rebe's spirit ascend to the stars that evening. My friend doesn't want to talk about Daisy. I understand. I'm crying as I write this. Crying for all the dogs we loved and all the dogs who were never loved, who wandered mean streets, who died frightened and alone..
Daisy's death hit me hard. No more benign and well behaved Daisy. No more incidental chats while out walking our dogs. A part of our lives here is gone forever.
I'll miss Daisy and all she represented. But Zoey won't.
Tuesday, June 18, 2019
Reverse Mortgages Part 2
Many years ago, an elderly neighbor who lived in the small community where we have our cottage was worried about money. She was in her 80's and in poor health. A rather angry and hostile middle aged son lived with her. He had gone back to live with his parents after a divorce when he was in his 30's. He worked rarely. He was frankly scary.
I told this elderly neighbor how well a reverse mortgage had worked out for my mother. Unbeknownst to me this neighbor then took out a reverse mortgage before she died. I heard about her death when we went down to our cottage in the spring that year. When I saw her son and told him how sorry I was his mother died, he said, well, you're the only one who feels that way. I was shocked. Seeing my expression he sneered, you didn't have to live with them
As I recall now, this discussion with my neighbor was at the peak of housing prices in the mid 2000's. My neighbor took out a reverse mortgage on her home but didn't spend the money. She put it in the bank in case she needed it. Her two children then equally inherited the money when she died.
The no good son was furious. He assumed he would keep the home indefinitely since his sister was married and lived in Texas and in kindness to him wouldn't push for a sale. He wanted everything.
Instead, by law, both siblings would split the money in the bank. That money was almost twice what the cottage would sell for later on at the bottom of the housing market.
The son stayed in the cottage for months after the bank owned it and had to be almost forced out. He was so angry I avoided contact with him. I was afraid he would know what I told his mother about reverse mortgages.
I told this elderly neighbor how well a reverse mortgage had worked out for my mother. Unbeknownst to me this neighbor then took out a reverse mortgage before she died. I heard about her death when we went down to our cottage in the spring that year. When I saw her son and told him how sorry I was his mother died, he said, well, you're the only one who feels that way. I was shocked. Seeing my expression he sneered, you didn't have to live with them
As I recall now, this discussion with my neighbor was at the peak of housing prices in the mid 2000's. My neighbor took out a reverse mortgage on her home but didn't spend the money. She put it in the bank in case she needed it. Her two children then equally inherited the money when she died.
The no good son was furious. He assumed he would keep the home indefinitely since his sister was married and lived in Texas and in kindness to him wouldn't push for a sale. He wanted everything.
Instead, by law, both siblings would split the money in the bank. That money was almost twice what the cottage would sell for later on at the bottom of the housing market.
The son stayed in the cottage for months after the bank owned it and had to be almost forced out. He was so angry I avoided contact with him. I was afraid he would know what I told his mother about reverse mortgages.
Wednesday, June 12, 2019
Reverse mortgages
These financial vehicles known as "reverse mortgages" began as a way for seniors to stay in their homes on a limited income. The idea is that after your mortgage is paid off all your income is in your home and you can't touch it for daily living expenses. You are "house poor". So the mortgage is "reverse" and you get paid for the equity in your home. The catch is, the bank takes first what you borrowed when you sell, die or otherwise leave your homed
Over the years there have been criticisms of reverse mortgages because of high fees and, then even worse, what does a senior do when the reverse mortgage money runs out and they can't keep up the property, etc. Well, the bank can, and does, foreclose.
As is the case with many other decisions....financial and otherwise, the devil is in the details.
In the years before the Great Recession, my mother, in the early stages of dementia, was living in the only home she had ever known - the home she and my father built the year before they were married. The home wasn't meant as an investment but it turned out to be exactly that 60 years later.
Mom wanted to stay in her own home and not go to a "facility". She had limited savings and a small pension plus social security. She needed help. She was climbing up stairs to her bedroom. Once she fell going down. She avoided injury by going "bump, bump, bump", on her buttocks. She explained this to our daughter who visited and noticed painful bruises all over her back to her knees.
We slowly hired "helpers" for Mom, older Irish women who were probably in the country illegally. We had several of them, part of an Irish-American, Catholic cohort who lived not far from us. Mom was comfortable with them since she was third generation Irish-American and loved "the Irish".
Then the small amount of Mom's savings ran out. Reverse mortgages were becoming increasingly common and home prices were going up. We took out a reverse mortgage for Mom's care, then again as the value of her home went up. Then again a third and final time. Then we had to sell Mom's home and move her into an apartment. This was February 2007. One sister suggested we try to sell Mom's home privately since homes were selling so fast. Then it happened before we barely blinked an eye. The housing recession happened first. There were some lookers but no buyers. Real estate wasn't selling. We gave the listing to a realtor. After several price reductions, Mom's home was sold in October 2007 . We took the cash and used it to fund Mom in an apartment. When Mom was 95 her money ran out. We applied for NY state Medicaid which was approved but we had to take minimum wage NY state approved care givers. No more lovely Irish women. One of the new care givers dropped Mom in the shower. Mom broke her leg and, amazingly, recovered, using a walker but still mobil. Mom died at age 97 with my sister by her side. She felt safe and secure with my sister holding her hand.
Over the years there have been criticisms of reverse mortgages because of high fees and, then even worse, what does a senior do when the reverse mortgage money runs out and they can't keep up the property, etc. Well, the bank can, and does, foreclose.
As is the case with many other decisions....financial and otherwise, the devil is in the details.
In the years before the Great Recession, my mother, in the early stages of dementia, was living in the only home she had ever known - the home she and my father built the year before they were married. The home wasn't meant as an investment but it turned out to be exactly that 60 years later.
Mom wanted to stay in her own home and not go to a "facility". She had limited savings and a small pension plus social security. She needed help. She was climbing up stairs to her bedroom. Once she fell going down. She avoided injury by going "bump, bump, bump", on her buttocks. She explained this to our daughter who visited and noticed painful bruises all over her back to her knees.
We slowly hired "helpers" for Mom, older Irish women who were probably in the country illegally. We had several of them, part of an Irish-American, Catholic cohort who lived not far from us. Mom was comfortable with them since she was third generation Irish-American and loved "the Irish".
Then the small amount of Mom's savings ran out. Reverse mortgages were becoming increasingly common and home prices were going up. We took out a reverse mortgage for Mom's care, then again as the value of her home went up. Then again a third and final time. Then we had to sell Mom's home and move her into an apartment. This was February 2007. One sister suggested we try to sell Mom's home privately since homes were selling so fast. Then it happened before we barely blinked an eye. The housing recession happened first. There were some lookers but no buyers. Real estate wasn't selling. We gave the listing to a realtor. After several price reductions, Mom's home was sold in October 2007 . We took the cash and used it to fund Mom in an apartment. When Mom was 95 her money ran out. We applied for NY state Medicaid which was approved but we had to take minimum wage NY state approved care givers. No more lovely Irish women. One of the new care givers dropped Mom in the shower. Mom broke her leg and, amazingly, recovered, using a walker but still mobil. Mom died at age 97 with my sister by her side. She felt safe and secure with my sister holding her hand.
Financial planner, redoux
Well, I keep learning. Two years ago we hired a fee only financial "advisor". Fee only is supposed to be good since they are not tempted to make a commission on 'unsuitable' investments for your age, incomes, risk tolerance, etc.
He was an older man and he was charming and thoughtful. No, said, he, he did not like annuities because of the high fees, etc. His stock picking was better than index funds because (something about...well, I forget what).
Our daughter pushed hiring this man since she had been helping us with our investments and was not comfortable managing our money going forward. He seemed better than others we had read about on line.
That was then. We knew he was selling his business to two younger guys he was really impressed with after vetting untold offers. He would remain on as some kind of ex officia advisor for sometime. Meanwhile he would spend more time in his multi million dollar Florida home.
We hired him. The stock picks were all blue chip, household names, spinning off dividends. The dividends paid for the advisor fees. The stock choices stayed steady as blue chips do. In two years, there were no more purchases, sales, trades etc. The account stayed moribund, except for the advisor fees and dividends that paid for them. The balance stayed the same. Worse, there was cash in the account JUST SITTING THERE, ignored. Then there was a half hearted purchase by the new owners of a few shares on Nike.
I couldn't stand it any more. Plus advisor fees are no longer deductible on federal income tax. My prediction...A lot of "advisors" are going to be looking for another job or trying to justify their high fees and personalized "service".
I wanted out. Oddly, I had a hard timed severing the relationship. Maybe it felt like going backward. Maybe it was the feeling we were going back to the no man's land of index funds. Coward that I am, I called the advisor's offices over the weekend and left messages in each VM. We wanted to sever the relation ship. No reason given.
Then I got a phone call from one of the offices , asking me to fill out a form. Whew. No questions asked. I didn't need to justify this decision and get a smooth rebuttal. They sent me a check for the unspent advisor fees. I then transferred the advisor's stocks to another account in the same financial platform. And there the stock picks of our former advisor sit. At least we no longer pay fees.
Live and learn as they say.
He was an older man and he was charming and thoughtful. No, said, he, he did not like annuities because of the high fees, etc. His stock picking was better than index funds because (something about...well, I forget what).
Our daughter pushed hiring this man since she had been helping us with our investments and was not comfortable managing our money going forward. He seemed better than others we had read about on line.
That was then. We knew he was selling his business to two younger guys he was really impressed with after vetting untold offers. He would remain on as some kind of ex officia advisor for sometime. Meanwhile he would spend more time in his multi million dollar Florida home.
We hired him. The stock picks were all blue chip, household names, spinning off dividends. The dividends paid for the advisor fees. The stock choices stayed steady as blue chips do. In two years, there were no more purchases, sales, trades etc. The account stayed moribund, except for the advisor fees and dividends that paid for them. The balance stayed the same. Worse, there was cash in the account JUST SITTING THERE, ignored. Then there was a half hearted purchase by the new owners of a few shares on Nike.
I couldn't stand it any more. Plus advisor fees are no longer deductible on federal income tax. My prediction...A lot of "advisors" are going to be looking for another job or trying to justify their high fees and personalized "service".
I wanted out. Oddly, I had a hard timed severing the relationship. Maybe it felt like going backward. Maybe it was the feeling we were going back to the no man's land of index funds. Coward that I am, I called the advisor's offices over the weekend and left messages in each VM. We wanted to sever the relation ship. No reason given.
Then I got a phone call from one of the offices , asking me to fill out a form. Whew. No questions asked. I didn't need to justify this decision and get a smooth rebuttal. They sent me a check for the unspent advisor fees. I then transferred the advisor's stocks to another account in the same financial platform. And there the stock picks of our former advisor sit. At least we no longer pay fees.
Live and learn as they say.
Tuesday, June 4, 2019
My friends are widows
It happens slowly and then it is an onslaught....your friends' husbands are ill, seriously ill, or dying.
I started this morning with a telephone call to my sister in law a state away. Her husband has dementia (as does his only sibling). He also has lymphoma, in remission but not cured. Recently he was hospitalized for pneumonia and then shifted to a rehab facility. He is home now but she knows what is ahead of her. Fortunately, they are in a condo in a retirement community and live near three of their 4 children. She is well situated (if that's the word) for the years ahead.
Then I took Zoey on a walk through the woods to the water and called a friend whose husband is totally immobilized with ms, She was in bed with vertigo. Then I called another friend whose wife has dementia. She fell picking something off the floor and has two black eyes. They are going to his alma mater this weekend (he hopes) for an award ceremony, honoring him. She has packed three times, always asking, is today the day. Then he lost his glasses. He looked all over for an hour and couldn't find them. Then she said, here try mine, and handed him her glasses. They were his..
On the way out of the woods I saw a neighbor I know slightly. She said I think of you everyday, do you want that book on New Zealand you gave me years ago? I said keep it! Maybe you can take a cruise there. No, she said, too far. Her husband had botched back surgery this past winter and now has no sensation in his leg.
I was getting late for a vet appt and not yet home but had to stop and ask my next door neighbor how his 95 year old mother was. It's been hard lately. She was transferred from assisted living (which she hated) to a rehab facility (which she also hates). They are meeting with hospice in a few days. He looks awful, said, she is so unhappy and miserable. I said you have done so much for her (stayed with her in rehab in shifts with his wife). Well, she did so much for us for all these years, said he. It's pay back time. He looked like he was going to cry and turned away.
I went into the house and asked Alexa to put on fast 50's music and danced the stress away to Bill haley and the Comets.
I started this morning with a telephone call to my sister in law a state away. Her husband has dementia (as does his only sibling). He also has lymphoma, in remission but not cured. Recently he was hospitalized for pneumonia and then shifted to a rehab facility. He is home now but she knows what is ahead of her. Fortunately, they are in a condo in a retirement community and live near three of their 4 children. She is well situated (if that's the word) for the years ahead.
Then I took Zoey on a walk through the woods to the water and called a friend whose husband is totally immobilized with ms, She was in bed with vertigo. Then I called another friend whose wife has dementia. She fell picking something off the floor and has two black eyes. They are going to his alma mater this weekend (he hopes) for an award ceremony, honoring him. She has packed three times, always asking, is today the day. Then he lost his glasses. He looked all over for an hour and couldn't find them. Then she said, here try mine, and handed him her glasses. They were his..
On the way out of the woods I saw a neighbor I know slightly. She said I think of you everyday, do you want that book on New Zealand you gave me years ago? I said keep it! Maybe you can take a cruise there. No, she said, too far. Her husband had botched back surgery this past winter and now has no sensation in his leg.
I was getting late for a vet appt and not yet home but had to stop and ask my next door neighbor how his 95 year old mother was. It's been hard lately. She was transferred from assisted living (which she hated) to a rehab facility (which she also hates). They are meeting with hospice in a few days. He looks awful, said, she is so unhappy and miserable. I said you have done so much for her (stayed with her in rehab in shifts with his wife). Well, she did so much for us for all these years, said he. It's pay back time. He looked like he was going to cry and turned away.
I went into the house and asked Alexa to put on fast 50's music and danced the stress away to Bill haley and the Comets.
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