Thursday, July 25, 2019
Financial planner versus money manager
As we age, we have to increasingly deal with our financial circumstances and future retirement: IRA's, 401K's, after tax brokerage accounts, pensions, annuities, life insurance, etc. Sometimes it feels like we don't always know how everything connected to our current or future retirement "fits" into a comprehensive plan. Perhaps it is time to get some advice. But, from whom? The financial services industry with its plethora of titles and qualifications (or lack thereof) can be confusing.
I started out more than two years ago to get some advice on our retirement investments. I didn't realize there is a difference between a financial planner and a money manager. We hired a "fee only" financial "advisor" who was essentially a money manager....to wit, a stock/bond/ picker. We didn't lose money. He bought blue chip high dividend stocks.. However we didn't need high dividends. . Dividend bearing stocks for older persons are one size fits all. My husband still works and we don't need to take dividends to live on. Indeed , we are still contributing to my husbands 401K. Worse. he bought these stocks and held them (the dividends paid for his fees). Zero sum gain.
Now,insult to injury, advisor fees are no longer tax deductible.
We could have used a more comprehensive approach. My husband is working beyond retirement age. We don't need taxable "income" We could have used a financial planner.
A financial planner helps you plan for current and future (overall) needs using comprehensive data about your situation such as savings/investments, income streams, property such as real estate, life insurance, disability and long term care insurance, other tangible assets and also tax/estate planning, assessing your plans, goals, desires for your future. Many variables must often be considered simultaneously and this could be a time consuming process, requiring filling out extensive questionnaires. I think it can be worthwhile to see a planner. Each individual or couple has a unique profile and financial/retirement needs.
If you want a "money manager"fine, but be sure that is exactly what you want.
Sunday, July 21, 2019
Stalkers
Many years ago, a friend's daughter was stalked by her dangerous ex-husband. The daughter took a new job across the country Her parents followed, quitting their jobs and telling no one where they were going. As my friend said, we know he will find us but it will take him a few months. They were fortunate; they had the resources to re locate and pay the attorneys fees for the many years of legal acrimony that followed.
Also many years ago, another friend's daughter, an only child, started calling me for "advice". The calls were too frequent, she exhibited a kind of pressured speech and a personal grandiosity along with entitledness that were indications of some serious mental health issues. Everything that happened to her was someone else's fault. I had a hard time getting off the phone; she actually acted irritated when I tried to hang up. Worse, she started complaining about her mother, my friend. I wish I had referred her for mental health treatment at the time. This was a serious boundry issue that I had goodheartedly fell into. Instead (this is how long ago it was) I got Caller ID on my landline. It was new then. I never answered a call from her again because I always checked caller id. I saw her rarely in subsequent years; when I saw her, she acted awkward around me as if she knew I had dodged her calls.
Fast forward and this now middle aged, well educated woman has never made a successful transition to adulthood. She has been unable to settle into a career. She can't keep jobs, especially jobs she considers beneath her. At one point she took two years off to go to graduate school for an on line non-marketable liberal arts master's degree. She borrowed money from her paternal aunt to pay for the degree and living expenses. She never paid the money back, claiming the job she obtained after graduating from this program didn't pay enough. The aunt stopped talking to her and my friend has to keep them separated on holidays and other social occasions.
Now this woman, my friend's daughter has suddenly re-entered my life, first emailing me. with several paragraphs of 'news' and suggesting we go out for lunch some time while I am back from Florida. I said I had considerable responsibilities over the next few months and couldn't commit. That is about as clear a rejection as a normal person would ordinarily understand. She then called asking for a favor for an acquaintance of hers. It was a small favor and I did it. I figured it was a one off. I hoped. But that was just an entre to connect. Now she is calling me again. Leaving messages on my cell and landline. (How did she get my cell number?) Overly familiar...are you still in the lower 48....dramatically effusive....I have a "teeny-tiny" question. I let the calls go to VM. Then I delete.
I said to my husband, am I paranoid or is she stalking me? She is stalking you, he said.
Therapists deal with this type of patient all the time...needy, manipulative, demanding. One solution for therapists to set strong boundaries: clearly delineated time and other issues (e.g. financial) Patients want to feel "special" and complicated transference issues can occur. Part of the treatment plan may involve discussing the pts demands for special treatment.
I'm not this woman's therapist. My decision is to ignore all her calls, emails, or attempts to contact me. Those are the boundaries that an ordinary person can enforce with a stalker. Simply ignore the stalker. That is awkward since she is my friend's daughter. However, I doubt she will admit to her mother that I am ignoring her calls. Too humiliating. Of course, I say nothing about this to my friend.
This is a simple, annoying stalking experience. Other stalkers can be dangerous. This post is limited to my situation. Other situations may require more legal or other measures.
Again, experts recommend ignoring a stalker. Don't confront. Ignore.
I feel sorry for my friend's daughter but enabling her stalking isn't helping her.
Also many years ago, another friend's daughter, an only child, started calling me for "advice". The calls were too frequent, she exhibited a kind of pressured speech and a personal grandiosity along with entitledness that were indications of some serious mental health issues. Everything that happened to her was someone else's fault. I had a hard time getting off the phone; she actually acted irritated when I tried to hang up. Worse, she started complaining about her mother, my friend. I wish I had referred her for mental health treatment at the time. This was a serious boundry issue that I had goodheartedly fell into. Instead (this is how long ago it was) I got Caller ID on my landline. It was new then. I never answered a call from her again because I always checked caller id. I saw her rarely in subsequent years; when I saw her, she acted awkward around me as if she knew I had dodged her calls.
Fast forward and this now middle aged, well educated woman has never made a successful transition to adulthood. She has been unable to settle into a career. She can't keep jobs, especially jobs she considers beneath her. At one point she took two years off to go to graduate school for an on line non-marketable liberal arts master's degree. She borrowed money from her paternal aunt to pay for the degree and living expenses. She never paid the money back, claiming the job she obtained after graduating from this program didn't pay enough. The aunt stopped talking to her and my friend has to keep them separated on holidays and other social occasions.
Now this woman, my friend's daughter has suddenly re-entered my life, first emailing me. with several paragraphs of 'news' and suggesting we go out for lunch some time while I am back from Florida. I said I had considerable responsibilities over the next few months and couldn't commit. That is about as clear a rejection as a normal person would ordinarily understand. She then called asking for a favor for an acquaintance of hers. It was a small favor and I did it. I figured it was a one off. I hoped. But that was just an entre to connect. Now she is calling me again. Leaving messages on my cell and landline. (How did she get my cell number?) Overly familiar...are you still in the lower 48....dramatically effusive....I have a "teeny-tiny" question. I let the calls go to VM. Then I delete.
I said to my husband, am I paranoid or is she stalking me? She is stalking you, he said.
Therapists deal with this type of patient all the time...needy, manipulative, demanding. One solution for therapists to set strong boundaries: clearly delineated time and other issues (e.g. financial) Patients want to feel "special" and complicated transference issues can occur. Part of the treatment plan may involve discussing the pts demands for special treatment.
I'm not this woman's therapist. My decision is to ignore all her calls, emails, or attempts to contact me. Those are the boundaries that an ordinary person can enforce with a stalker. Simply ignore the stalker. That is awkward since she is my friend's daughter. However, I doubt she will admit to her mother that I am ignoring her calls. Too humiliating. Of course, I say nothing about this to my friend.
This is a simple, annoying stalking experience. Other stalkers can be dangerous. This post is limited to my situation. Other situations may require more legal or other measures.
Again, experts recommend ignoring a stalker. Don't confront. Ignore.
I feel sorry for my friend's daughter but enabling her stalking isn't helping her.
Monday, July 15, 2019
A Dog Named Daisy
She was our friends' dog; a long haired sheltie. She was dignified and well behaved. Somehow the name didn't fit her. I never asked why they gave her that name.
Daisy had a type of bile duct cancer maybe 4 or 5 years ago. I went with my friend to the internal medicine vet who examined her. He was compassionate and spent more than an hour with us explaining treatment options. I was impressed. Daisy had her surgery and recovered,
Daisy took some time to heal. After she recovered, I happened to walk by her home with Zoey one day. Daisy ran out to greet us. Happy to be alive and happy to see us. She was not ordinarily an exuberant dog. Really, it was Zoey (not me) she was happy to see. Zoey was indifferent. Was Daisy's feelings hurt? Is that anthromorphizing dogs too much? I felt bad, not just for Daisy but that Zoey was missing a more human quality - the joy of seeing old friends. Indeed, Zoey and Daisy had spent much time over the years going on walks together with the neighborhood dog walker. It made no difference. On another occasion a group of us were standing around talking at dusk one night. Daisy got too close to Zoey and Zoey growled, scaring everyone, especially a 2 year old in a stroller. I never had a dog who embarrassed me before.As if we can control all of what our dogs do. We can't.
Daisy had to be put to sleep last week. Just the week before, she had stood around again with several neighbors and their dogs in the late afternoon. She backed up when Zoey got too close. She remembered. Zoey was no longer her friend. Never was her friend. To be clear, Zoey is not a snarling, barking, straining at the leash kind of unfriendly dog. She just doesn't want to have other dogs get within a foot or two of her,
Daisy's owner was ashen faced when he told me. He had just put her down when I happened to see him. I was seized with sorrow. Daisy the gentle, lady like sheltie was no more. My friend's wife, is beyond disconsolate. She went to the place where grief has no bounds. I remember my grief when our old dog Rebe died. I wailed like a banshee and shared a fifth of 20 year old Tawney Port with our son. Took the edge of grief down a notch. I thought I could see Rebe's spirit ascend to the stars that evening. My friend doesn't want to talk about Daisy. I understand. I'm crying as I write this. Crying for all the dogs we loved and all the dogs who were never loved, who wandered mean streets, who died frightened and alone..
Daisy's death hit me hard. No more benign and well behaved Daisy. No more incidental chats while out walking our dogs. A part of our lives here is gone forever.
I'll miss Daisy and all she represented. But Zoey won't.
Daisy had a type of bile duct cancer maybe 4 or 5 years ago. I went with my friend to the internal medicine vet who examined her. He was compassionate and spent more than an hour with us explaining treatment options. I was impressed. Daisy had her surgery and recovered,
Daisy took some time to heal. After she recovered, I happened to walk by her home with Zoey one day. Daisy ran out to greet us. Happy to be alive and happy to see us. She was not ordinarily an exuberant dog. Really, it was Zoey (not me) she was happy to see. Zoey was indifferent. Was Daisy's feelings hurt? Is that anthromorphizing dogs too much? I felt bad, not just for Daisy but that Zoey was missing a more human quality - the joy of seeing old friends. Indeed, Zoey and Daisy had spent much time over the years going on walks together with the neighborhood dog walker. It made no difference. On another occasion a group of us were standing around talking at dusk one night. Daisy got too close to Zoey and Zoey growled, scaring everyone, especially a 2 year old in a stroller. I never had a dog who embarrassed me before.As if we can control all of what our dogs do. We can't.
Daisy had to be put to sleep last week. Just the week before, she had stood around again with several neighbors and their dogs in the late afternoon. She backed up when Zoey got too close. She remembered. Zoey was no longer her friend. Never was her friend. To be clear, Zoey is not a snarling, barking, straining at the leash kind of unfriendly dog. She just doesn't want to have other dogs get within a foot or two of her,
Daisy's owner was ashen faced when he told me. He had just put her down when I happened to see him. I was seized with sorrow. Daisy the gentle, lady like sheltie was no more. My friend's wife, is beyond disconsolate. She went to the place where grief has no bounds. I remember my grief when our old dog Rebe died. I wailed like a banshee and shared a fifth of 20 year old Tawney Port with our son. Took the edge of grief down a notch. I thought I could see Rebe's spirit ascend to the stars that evening. My friend doesn't want to talk about Daisy. I understand. I'm crying as I write this. Crying for all the dogs we loved and all the dogs who were never loved, who wandered mean streets, who died frightened and alone..
Daisy's death hit me hard. No more benign and well behaved Daisy. No more incidental chats while out walking our dogs. A part of our lives here is gone forever.
I'll miss Daisy and all she represented. But Zoey won't.
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