Don't pre-judge I guess is the lesson here. A group of college classmates in the area have started a round robin of lunches at each other's homes. The first lunch was interesting and pleasant but in retrospect I thought of it as stilted. I wasn't enthused about going again.
The second one yesterday was a nice surprise. Perhaps it was the venue. This second one was well planned by the hostess so we didn't mill around haphazardly. Rather, she had it all well organized. Or maybe it was the group, more comfortable with each other. One woman who came this time had been a very sophisticated element in our class, beautiful, tall and slim with a dark bob. Back then, she favored black turtlenecks. She was still glamorous and beautiful and now, of course, rich. Her story was somewhat surprising in that her husband had colon cancer at age 60 and her daughter at age 38! Through testing, a genetic mutation was found that linked the colon cancer and also uterine and ovarian cancer. Another daughter is planning to have her last child and then a hysterectomy. It was enjoyable and interesting to catch up with her and the others. The old friend whom I drove to the luncheon with found out both their grandfathers came from the same small town in Italy.
We have already planned the next event.
One thing that surprised me is that while most travel, none (except one getting knee surgery who didn't come) have places in Florida and most live in the same homes they have mostly always lived in. This is not a random cross section of seniors.
This group, healthy, well-educated and prosperous, is self-selected. But not all are healthy and prosperous. A friend whose husband was class president our sophomore year is very overweight and her husband was in federal prison years ago for student loan fraud involving a not for profit college he worked for. They had an adopted son who was in considerable trouble, also. People like that tend not to come to class reunions although they stay in touch otherwise.
Saturday, October 17, 2015
Friday, October 16, 2015
When adult children don't grow up
An old friend was fuming. Her daughter, an only child and single, lives a lifestyle beyond her means. I have known this adult child since babyhood; my friend goes back to our college days. The daughter was sent to the best private schools, thanks to wealthy grandparents. She was bright but seemed to lack the social skills to maintain appropriate employment. Dissatisfied with her life, she borrowed money from an aunt (divorced, no kids, well-to-do) to attend an on line liberal arts college with a master's in creative something. Not marketable. She did school for two years, didn't work and loved it. Then the time came to turn the degree into a career. Not much luck. She is working at something she enjoys but with a low salary and no benefits. I think she was born to go straight from school to retirement.
The aunt who lent her money has been asking for repayment. The niece, entitled, never thought she would have to pay it back since she is in the Aunt's will. That has strained family relations with my friend stuck in the middle.
Most recently, the daughter asked her parents for money to pay for somewhat optional surgery. She got the money, never got the surgery. Don't tell anyone, says my friend. Where did the money go, I asked? Well, the daughter has a tendency to take international vacations on a whim. That's part of it, I guess.
But why my friend is fuming is that daughter has now asked her father for more money and he gave it to her without asking my friend, his wife (who would have nixed it).
My friend complains that this money spigot just enables the daughter. What would she do if we weren't around, asked my friend. I opined that if you have a surfeit of funds that's fine. But none of us has an extra million just lying around. We need what we have worked and saved for to pay for who knows what coming down the pike in old age.
Her story is not that unusual.
I know so many adults - people like us - who are helping adult children financially. One friend, a physician, has propped their youngest son up continuously. Pays for the son's rent, after the son moved out. This is a son who has lived with them so long, he is now balding. Before moving out. the son told his mother, my friend "Don't think I'm going to take care of you when you get old" She was so terribly hurt.... Another friend, a widow (her husband was a lawyer) has always supported her son who lives with her. The wonders what will happen to him when she dies. Another friend, a lawyer, has repeatedly "found" jobs for his son, even bought him and his new wife a McMansion. His wife, my friend, thought the home was "excessive". Ummmm...I'd say so...A million plus.... Son doesn't take much responsibility, my friend is guardian of his daughter (her granddaughter) from a former liaison.
Another friend married a medical student we knew from school. He was always a creep, and ultimately left her and the kids for a partner in his practice. Cut off their daughter's college tuition, said she could attend community college. Their son, the youngest was never mentally right. After many scrapes with the law, he is a permanent resident with Mom. Moved his heavy metal band into the living room. I've lost touch with her; I think she is drinking heavily and on Facebook all the time.
It goes on and on....
The aunt who lent her money has been asking for repayment. The niece, entitled, never thought she would have to pay it back since she is in the Aunt's will. That has strained family relations with my friend stuck in the middle.
Most recently, the daughter asked her parents for money to pay for somewhat optional surgery. She got the money, never got the surgery. Don't tell anyone, says my friend. Where did the money go, I asked? Well, the daughter has a tendency to take international vacations on a whim. That's part of it, I guess.
But why my friend is fuming is that daughter has now asked her father for more money and he gave it to her without asking my friend, his wife (who would have nixed it).
My friend complains that this money spigot just enables the daughter. What would she do if we weren't around, asked my friend. I opined that if you have a surfeit of funds that's fine. But none of us has an extra million just lying around. We need what we have worked and saved for to pay for who knows what coming down the pike in old age.
Her story is not that unusual.
I know so many adults - people like us - who are helping adult children financially. One friend, a physician, has propped their youngest son up continuously. Pays for the son's rent, after the son moved out. This is a son who has lived with them so long, he is now balding. Before moving out. the son told his mother, my friend "Don't think I'm going to take care of you when you get old" She was so terribly hurt.... Another friend, a widow (her husband was a lawyer) has always supported her son who lives with her. The wonders what will happen to him when she dies. Another friend, a lawyer, has repeatedly "found" jobs for his son, even bought him and his new wife a McMansion. His wife, my friend, thought the home was "excessive". Ummmm...I'd say so...A million plus.... Son doesn't take much responsibility, my friend is guardian of his daughter (her granddaughter) from a former liaison.
Another friend married a medical student we knew from school. He was always a creep, and ultimately left her and the kids for a partner in his practice. Cut off their daughter's college tuition, said she could attend community college. Their son, the youngest was never mentally right. After many scrapes with the law, he is a permanent resident with Mom. Moved his heavy metal band into the living room. I've lost touch with her; I think she is drinking heavily and on Facebook all the time.
It goes on and on....
Thursday, October 8, 2015
A lunch with old friends
Old college friends were coming into town. My husband made arrangements for lunch - they would come to our home. his assistant confirmed it, I put the date on the calendar and cleared other commitments for that afternoon.
The day before our date, I was out doing errands when I got a frantic phone call from my husband, WHERE ARE YOU? GET HOME. I thought maybe the house was on fire. Nope, just our friends who showed up the day before we expected them.
It was our fault. We had somehow gotten the date wrong. Ohhhhh, the friends were fine, they just said wait until they tell everyone else we know..... (update: they did.)
I took them to lunch. A place near us on the river. Perfect weather. We sat outside. They raved about the food, the proximity to our home ("Bet you come here all the time!" UH, no we don't), the view, etc.
They spoke of their recent move to an upscale golf community in (tax-friendly) Delaware not far from the water and how they loved it. Upsizing to a larger home!! They are golfers and he's a big tennis player. I know I would not like it. I hate golf and was lousy tennis player even during my prime.
Take home message: we never appreciate what we have nearby (the restaurant on the water near us), preferring to think others have it better somehow.
The day before our date, I was out doing errands when I got a frantic phone call from my husband, WHERE ARE YOU? GET HOME. I thought maybe the house was on fire. Nope, just our friends who showed up the day before we expected them.
It was our fault. We had somehow gotten the date wrong. Ohhhhh, the friends were fine, they just said wait until they tell everyone else we know..... (update: they did.)
I took them to lunch. A place near us on the river. Perfect weather. We sat outside. They raved about the food, the proximity to our home ("Bet you come here all the time!" UH, no we don't), the view, etc.
They spoke of their recent move to an upscale golf community in (tax-friendly) Delaware not far from the water and how they loved it. Upsizing to a larger home!! They are golfers and he's a big tennis player. I know I would not like it. I hate golf and was lousy tennis player even during my prime.
Take home message: we never appreciate what we have nearby (the restaurant on the water near us), preferring to think others have it better somehow.
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
upsizing
I am fascinated by lifestyle choices in retirement. Logically, if one moves, it should be to an area with access to good health facilities and a high "walkability" value. A friend once suggested we move into Washington DC. You can afford it, she said. "I'd do it but I can't afford it". Well, her choices aren't mine. She likes going to the theatre, and the variety of cultural and other activities available in a city. She and the guy she has dated forever are going, going, going all the time. I'd never venture out, except to walk the dog.
So I enjoyed listening to the retirement choice made by old college friends of my husband. Actually, they retired many years ago, splitting their time between a place in a golf community and their home on Long Island. Their home was not large, but they had stairs to climb and taxes were high. They have three children, none of them in New York anymore and decided to come further south to live near their daughter and her family.
Our friends chose an upscale enclave in Delaware, not far from the Indian River. They are golfers and he has played tennis since he was in college, most recently teaching tennis in Florida
Delaware is a destination for many people from Maryland. Low property taxes. That also translates into low amenities and services. It's like living in an Anglo compound in India in the days of the Raj, says my husband. Still, those compounds (in the US) once appealed to my husband. Golf, tennis, and clubhouse where you tell old war stories, recycling the stories as you lose your memory. Surrounded by the furnishings of an opulent clubhouse. Our friends rave about their new 15 million dollar clubhouse and the parties thrown there but golf costs $100 per person and the course is "long". The community is a weekend community for people with a median age of 48 and a net worth of..... I feel they have been dropped into an alternative universe. Still, they seem to enjoy it, saying their house is larger than the home they raised their kids in.
So I enjoyed listening to the retirement choice made by old college friends of my husband. Actually, they retired many years ago, splitting their time between a place in a golf community and their home on Long Island. Their home was not large, but they had stairs to climb and taxes were high. They have three children, none of them in New York anymore and decided to come further south to live near their daughter and her family.
Our friends chose an upscale enclave in Delaware, not far from the Indian River. They are golfers and he has played tennis since he was in college, most recently teaching tennis in Florida
Delaware is a destination for many people from Maryland. Low property taxes. That also translates into low amenities and services. It's like living in an Anglo compound in India in the days of the Raj, says my husband. Still, those compounds (in the US) once appealed to my husband. Golf, tennis, and clubhouse where you tell old war stories, recycling the stories as you lose your memory. Surrounded by the furnishings of an opulent clubhouse. Our friends rave about their new 15 million dollar clubhouse and the parties thrown there but golf costs $100 per person and the course is "long". The community is a weekend community for people with a median age of 48 and a net worth of..... I feel they have been dropped into an alternative universe. Still, they seem to enjoy it, saying their house is larger than the home they raised their kids in.
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