This fall has been a stream of getting ready for winter and leaving for Florida - more than ever. We had to get the entire house painted and new blinds because Zoey chewed the old ones. Oh, and new window sills. She chewed them, too. Then there was the regular maintenance - window guy, Joey. the fireplace guy, Sean, the appliance repair guy, Dave, the carpet cleaner Don, ...ah, yes, then a new gutter cleaner, Calvin
I go on Yelp these days and typically have good results. Calvin had "wow" 5 star ratings on Yelp and gazillion 5 stars on google. His business had a strange name and he had no local address. But I signed him up over the phone and he arrived on time.
Calvin was 50 ish, dressed all in black with a gold crucifix around his neck. He was balding and compensated for this by growing the curly fringe around his skull all the way down to his shoulders. But what alarmed me was his belly. Surely one of the largest I have ever seen.
Well, he looked with chagrin at our house. Couldn't clean the gutters with gutter guards, says he. The guys who did it before were scamming me, etc. I figured Calvin wasn't up for the climb and looking for an excuse. I wanted to get it done. So I told him to take off the gutter guards and get to work. But where was his crew? I work alone, says he.
Big belly Calvin, sucking on his cigarette, climbed ladders all day and did an excellent, if expensive job. One of these days he won't be so lucky.
Tuesday, November 22, 2016
Thursday, November 17, 2016
Advice for Widows: Don't be a Taker
Don't be a "taker". It is normal to bask in the love and concern of loved ones. Just don't over-do it. Reciprocity is the key word here. Friendships are give and take. I try to make it a rule of thumb to give more and expect less. I'm not a widow yet and I hope I never am. My husband is so dear and precious that I cannot imagine life without him. But self-sufficiency is important to me. I know how to do things, arrange for repairs, manage our money.
A neighbor and good friend has always been critical of another neighbor. For some time I thought it was because this other neighbor can be obsessive about gardening and pepper the critical neighbor with questions like, "Where did you get that plant". The good friend neighbor is an outstanding gardener with an eye toward design. I thought she was being over-critical.
Then the obsessive neighbor's husband died. He was a sweet, dear man with a hobby that filled his basement with tools, etc. The obsessive neighbor got lots of help from her deceased husband's friends in sorting and classifying the old tools and her grandson put them for sale on Ebay. That's kindness. But then I noticed little things such as this widow asking the helpful friends to pay for any tools they wanted. We are talking about $7.00 stuff. I noticed her next door neighbor, elderly and fat, sweating over her ancient lawnmower, trying to fix it. The second time I walked by and saw that, I said the local hardware store can do that. Oh, it's done, said she, missing my point. We don't even own a lawnmower.
My awareness increased when the critical neighbor told me the widow calls her home every week asking the neighbor's husband for help. She has three sons, said my critical neighbor, what is their role? Every week, I asked? I was aghast.
Sometimes you need to step back and see the whole picture. I realized my interactions with this widow over the years have been pleasant but one sided. I have heard about her sons' crazy marriages ad nauseum. I'm sure they would be humiliated to know I know so much. I doubt this widow neighbor who is always eager to chat about her psycho daughters in law (and yes, they are psycho) knows the names of my children. She never expresses any interest in their lives or mine, outside a perfunctory how are you.
This neighbor is totally unaware of all this pattern in her personality, saying people have been so kind. I think of her husband. He was a giver. She has probably always been a taker and I have been an enabler.....
A neighbor and good friend has always been critical of another neighbor. For some time I thought it was because this other neighbor can be obsessive about gardening and pepper the critical neighbor with questions like, "Where did you get that plant". The good friend neighbor is an outstanding gardener with an eye toward design. I thought she was being over-critical.
Then the obsessive neighbor's husband died. He was a sweet, dear man with a hobby that filled his basement with tools, etc. The obsessive neighbor got lots of help from her deceased husband's friends in sorting and classifying the old tools and her grandson put them for sale on Ebay. That's kindness. But then I noticed little things such as this widow asking the helpful friends to pay for any tools they wanted. We are talking about $7.00 stuff. I noticed her next door neighbor, elderly and fat, sweating over her ancient lawnmower, trying to fix it. The second time I walked by and saw that, I said the local hardware store can do that. Oh, it's done, said she, missing my point. We don't even own a lawnmower.
My awareness increased when the critical neighbor told me the widow calls her home every week asking the neighbor's husband for help. She has three sons, said my critical neighbor, what is their role? Every week, I asked? I was aghast.
Sometimes you need to step back and see the whole picture. I realized my interactions with this widow over the years have been pleasant but one sided. I have heard about her sons' crazy marriages ad nauseum. I'm sure they would be humiliated to know I know so much. I doubt this widow neighbor who is always eager to chat about her psycho daughters in law (and yes, they are psycho) knows the names of my children. She never expresses any interest in their lives or mine, outside a perfunctory how are you.
This neighbor is totally unaware of all this pattern in her personality, saying people have been so kind. I think of her husband. He was a giver. She has probably always been a taker and I have been an enabler.....
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