Small Losses

We grieve the large ones, of course.  The loss of friends to disease or death.  The loss of our own robustness, taken for granted.  The loss of an endless future and the realization that life is finite.  The loss of memory...slowly eroded at the edges.  The loss of a sense of safety as mass shootings become more common.

But this is about the small losses.  Arriving back to Maryland from Florida and finding that the local Lord and Taylor had closed.  The "go to" store for so much! Finding that the local large Antiques store had closed. Always it was a place where I'd kind of stop off, see the prices, compare everything to stuff I had at home.

Then a loss closer to home.

Many years ago my husband and I went in on a new expensive  "share boat" with our son and a few of his friends.  This was a good sized 24 ft boat that no one really took care of....it just ran.  Once in the beginning we took it across the Bay to St. Michaels.  It had a "galley" and a "head" and could be used for sleeping.  No one ever started the microwave.  After awhile, other partners bowed out and we became sole owners.  We have a community marina so the boat sat there on a lift, periodically being "winterized", cleaned and serviced.  We were never "boaters" so the boat was not part of our lives, really.  So why am I so sad that I think our days with the boat are over?  Yesterday we had company and my husband and son took them out on the boat...for about 10 minutes until it started spewing smoke.  Zoey and I were on the shore as they limped back into the dock, enveloped in greyish brown smoke.  We called the fire dept., the boat was to be towed to a marina owned by our mechanic. As we drove across the bridge over our river, there below was a sturdy little blue and red tugboat with our sleek still proud white boat pulled behind.  I felt unreasonably sad.

Why sad?  I kept saying, we don't use this boat, it is not reliable, it needs repairs.  Let's sell it!! Now I'm sad. I'm sad because of all the memories over the years.  Going out in the boat the evening of 9/11 as everything was surreal, going to watch the sailboat races downtown, going out one fourth of July to watch the fireworks from the water, taking friends and relatives out for wine and cheese on the boat, etc etc.  A long history with the boat.  As she got older and creakier, so did we.

A Call From a Friend

An old college friend lost her husband last winter after a short illness.  I invited her to come and visit us in Florida and get a change of scenery.  She lives in California so I was surprised when she accepted the invitation.

We had a pleasant time doing Florida things - taking the boat to the beach, eating dinner out and sitting on the lanai drinking wine.  She needed to talk and I listened. It was often hard  and scary since, in addition to watching her husband die,  there were mistakes from the medical profession and lack of compassion from financial entities.

She called yesterday to organize another visit...this time in Maryland with old friends  In discussing her previous visit, she said it was one of the most helpful experiences she had this year while coping wih grief.  The reason, she said was that Florida was so different and new that she never looked around for Mike and wondered where he was since he had never been with us in Florida,  So she could enjoy the new experiences without missing Mike. She had no expectation or feeling of loss that Mike wasn't there,

Positive People

Our son has a neighbor, a young widow, who is always positive but not in a cloying, artificial  way.  She seems to find things to appreciate and enjoy.  She loves our granddaughters.  She loves my garden.  Yes, she'd love to have some extra ostrich ferns and is enormously grateful that I give them to her.  It is uplifting to be near her.  I think simply joyfulness goes a long way.

Closing retail stores

The first to go was our local Lord and Taylor in the mall.  Like an old friend, it was my go-to place for a myriad of items including sportswear, cosmetics, etc.  Items were more upscale than Macy's, more diverse than Nordstrom's  . In my mind's eye I can still see the sections, including the men's items on the second floor.  Traveling through the now empty space (in my mind's eye) is unbelievably sad.  Then there was was the local antiques mall which had multiple vendors and just interesting stuff to peer at and exclaim over.  I came back in April to find that gone.  The building is still empty.  Then today I passed a vacant Country Curtains store.  It was the kind of place that had good quality items and a diverse selection. Gone.  Vacant.

The worst was the closing of my favorite antique store in an older neighborhood that used to have many shops.  The selection was upscale and tasteful.  I bought our bedroom furniture there and other items.  Last week I drove there (a distance) with a funny feeling in my heart.  The historic building is being sold and the owner is doing some kind of periodic antique sales at a small stall place an hours drive from here.

Antiques I understand....but the other places are a consequence of Amazon.  Still, who buys clothes from Amazon?

Me.

So more and more small and medium sized store fronts are empty.  The days of "recreational shopping" and impulse buying are over.  Damn.