My friend Barb

 We met when I was in graduate school, working as a dormitory supervisor.  She was an older student, completing undergraduate work.  She dated a fellow student who was friends with my future husband, also a graduate-student at the time.

Barb was quiet and thoughtful and her future husband seemed to dominate her.  He was in my graduate program and was a former priest or seminarian.  Very religious in a rigid way.

We slowly became friends. A loose friendship among the guys became a group friendship among the women, who played bridge weekly and gossiped.  My friend Bev introduced us to Gay who was already married and slightly older.  Barb and I have remained close friends, and Bev slipped away into oblivion after a bizarre and scary visit to her home.  Gay and I get together for lunch once a year or so.

Barb married and they moved around quite a bit, finally buying a home close to the university. Her husband worked for the government and Barb got a graduate degree in Human Development and began tutoring out of her home.  Those early years, we would get together as couples, having the group over for dinner or crab feasts.

Barb became increasingly unhappy in her marriage, they separated, got back together again, and then separated and divorced permanently.  We never saw her husband again, except accidentally.

They had one child, a daughter who had - and still has - multiple health issues.  The stress of their daughter's health probably added to the estrangement.  The health problems were in part genetic - from Barb.

Barb's ex husband paid for her to go to graduate school for a marketable degree, which she got after two years of rigorous work.  Some time around that time she reconnected with the husband of another graduate school friend, who died of cancer, leaving 4 teenagers.

Barb and this man married and it has been a happy marriage.  The children - and even his family - were initially difficult, despite Barb's friendly demeanor and very demure personality.  Barb and her new husband moved many times. She needed a warm, dry climate for her health issues..  We visited them at one of their homes in Albuquerque.  They had just put in extensive hardscaping and they were planning a kitchen renovation.  Then Barb  decided Albuquerque had a high crime rate (it does) Her area was outside downtown but she wanted out.

This past spring, in the midst of the pandemic, Barb and I had a long telephone call.  They were living in an apartment in Fort  Collins, Co.  I think her husband liked the idea of a "college town" but college faculty can be very insular.  It was colder than she expected and she hated it.

The story has a happy ending.  Barb and her husband visited St George, Utah which they liked.  Nothing was available, even to rent. They moved to St. George, anyway, living in one of those long term motels.  I thought, how awful.  However, I just heard from her.  They found a home in a 55 plus community.  Had to bid up to get it.  An added bonus is that her (divorced) sister and niece are moving there, too.  She will have roots.

I think this will be permanent.

My Friend Joan

 We have been friends since we were 10 years old.  She moved to our neighborhood and school at that time. We instantly clicked.  We were both full of high spirits: pranks, silliness and good fun.  Her family was wealthy and mine was not.  That didn't matter so much back then since obvious markers for wealth were not considered tasteful.

At one point when we were  teenagers, Joan's mother won a red Mustang convertible in a raffle, We would drive to the beach in that convertible, attracting much attention. Joan had long blond hair.  I had long dark hair.

 We went to high school and college together.  She met her future husband at a "mixer" at a neighboring college.  I snuck her into our dorm when she missed curfew.  The alarm blared and we ran off.  At one point when we were upper class women,  she "adopted" a baby chicken from the psych lab and kept it in our suite.  It grew to be a rooster and cock a doodle doed  Students would say, did I hear a rooster?  She was found out and the rooster was gone.

Ultimately, after graduate school, Joan married (one week after me) and moved to her husband's state.  We stayed in touch over the years, often going to a yearly "reunion" that several of our old college friends organized.

She and her husband had four natural children and two adopted children.  The adopted children were older when adopted and traumatized by their early experiences, living with an addicted mother and eating out of garbage cans. It was a struggle.

Joan's husband was a lawyer in solo practice.  She was a homemaker and periodic substitute teacher.  They lived modestly.  Joan eschewed her glamorous mother's diamonds and expensive clothes.

At age 54, Joan's husband literally dropped dead.  She went into crisis mode,  Her youngest child was still in high school.  They managed.  Joan's mother gave her $10, 000 to help her through those early months as a widow. She inherited some money from her husband's maiden aunt and then her  older brother who had a stroke while on a gym treadmill.  She sat down every day for months and tackled bills and other paperwork.

Joan never kept up with technology.  Several of my old college friends are like that with iPhones, computers etc,  So we call and write.

Joan's last letter was a litany of catastrophes but she was not self-pitying. Her married son's only car broke down on a busy highway.  She had to get him while tractor trailers whizzed by.  She now is lending him her car or driving him and his wife to their jobs when she needs to use her car.  This son holds a  basically minimum wage job and has no financial resources. 

Then her implant on her front tooth fell out the same day she lost her wallet.

She just said, I'll tackle one thing at a time.  That's what she did when her husband died.

My friend Bev

 We met the first week of graduate school.  We were both working as dormitory supervisors while we took graduate classes.  She was 25, two ears older than I and had already been married and divorced.  She had traveled throughout Europe the previous summer and had slides to impress the undergraduates. I considered her very urbane and sophisticated.  She was one of the smartest people I've ever met.

Bev met someone that first year of graduate school, our age but still an undergraduate since he had been in the Navy.  He wanted to go to medical school. He got in, they married and she left graduate school to work as a teacher and support him.  He hated children but somehow they had three. Two girls and  then a boy who ended up in and out of jail.  But I get ahead of myself.

Bev's husband went on to become a gynecologist.  She said, how bizarre.  He hates women.  

We stayed in touch periodically. Bev was part of a group of four friends from graduate school days.

Bev visited us once and bragged about the enormous home they had built in her husband's home state.  He had joined a multi-physician practice.  It was unlike her to gloat and rather premature.  Her husband soon had an affair with one of the physicians in his practice and divorced Bev.

Bev didn't seem to get a good settlement.  Her husband had to pay for her to finish the graduate degree she started years earlier. That seemed to be it. She somehow lost the house.  Fortunately she was an only child and received a good inheritance.

She moved to Alabama (I'm not sure why) and bought a small horse farm in a rural area.  She always rode, did dressage and taught it when she was married.

All of us "girls" would still get together almost every year, usually at one friend's beach condo on the Outer Banks of NC

Then....Surprise!!  Bev met a man on line, much older and a "writer".  They married quickly. She took him to my husband's 60th birthday party.  He was dressed in a black Zorro cowboy outfit.  After the party, several people, male and female told me he tried to molest them.  Almost worse, he told them about his sex life with Bev :" She has the body of a 25 year old and all parts work"

That she had sunk so low,  

Fortunately, Zorro-husband  wanted her to sell the farm, she wouldn't and they divorced.

Time passed.

Then Bev said, I'd love you all to come to my farm this year.  She called it Hobby Horse Farm and had that logo on her Christmas cards.

 We went.  Flew down and rented a car.  Drove through rural Alabama on an ancient road that needed repairs. Past Churches, cheaply built and sad looking.  Past tattoo parlors. Past porn viewing places.  Past liquor stores with fading signs.  Then we found it.  A rutted road that led through underbrush.  In the middle of no where. 

Hobby Horse Farm.

She greeted us warmly but it was obvious she had done a quick clean up.  Everything was unbelievably shabby and cheap.  She had  just had a fight with the jail bird son asking him to take his heavy metal instruments out of the living room.  Seems he moved in and took over.  No one else in his small family wanted anything to do with him. 

We stayed for dinner. I forget what we ate.  Bev was nervous.  Dinner was not her typical elegant New England aristocrat event.  Jail bird son was working but might come home early.  Obvious he was on drugs. He had a low level job watching security cameras in a building.

Oh yes, there was a white pit bull wandering around the house. One friend was so anxious about it that Bev finally crated it.

When we left everything was pitch dark.  There was a feeling of Get Out!!!  We backed out of the rutted driveway, through underbrush hitting the wind  shield,   Back to our safe motel.

I don't think I ever saw Bev again.

How friends ended up

 There comes a point in life when there is more behind us than ahead of us. All of us exist in a bubble of sorts, surrounded by people similar to us.  Sometimes not everything is apparent. 

I grew up in a normal upper middle class suburb outside New York City.  My father, a strict and serious man, very routinized, took the LIRR  7:09 train in to work every day.  My mother was a homemaker, very religious and rather anxious.  My parents were Irish Catholic Republicans.  

Our neighbors were Ivy League Democrats.  One was an oral surgeon,  but a bit of an outlier since he was Jewish.  Another was a banker, a Dartmouth graduate. His wife was a member of DAR.  He turned out to be a pedophile.  Another was a nuclear physicist.  Another was a lawyer.  Another was a Harvard Graduate who worked for Standard and Poors.  In those days, financial differences were not as obvious.  We had less money and my father was frugal.  We managed to fit in.  My father was well spoken, grammatically correct, rather proper with old fashioned manners and worked in advertising for a large company.  He was socially acceptable.

The public schools in our affluent town  were excellent,  Of course, I went to an overcrowded Catholic grade school staffed by uneducated Catholic nuns shipped over from Ireland.  Baby boom solution.  Catholic high school was only marginally better.  Catholic college better still but at that point I had stopped being intellectually curious and focused on  social life.  Then came graduate school where I met my husband.  We married and settled far from our parents, visiting  them once or twice a year.  My two younger sisters married and lived within 10 miles of our parents home.  My husband's siblings did the same thing.  We were rather nuclear, raising our children without the requisite family holiday gatherings. Sometimes I missed them, but it was mostly the idea of the idealized Happy Family that I missed..

The old neighborhood had cracks.  The oral surgeon had an affair with his dental hygienist and his wife attempted suicide.  The Dartmouth banker was arrested for molesting neighborhood children. The nuclear physicist  divorced his wife who became an alcoholic.  The childless and lonely jeweler next door married a gold digger who had him sign over the house to her before their marriage.  then she locked him out.  He became essentially homeless.  Several years later when I was 14 or so, I was walking down he street with my 16 year old boyfriend and a car drove by us and stopped.  What did we know about the jeweler's house and situation?  We told him and asked him why he wanted to know,  Because she did they same thing to me, said he.  

So in my next posts I will look back, discuss friends, middle class, well educated, from solid families...and what happened to them.

Getting clarity moving forward

 The pandemic has certain benefits for older people like us.  Without the frenzy of dinners out with friends and various events, it becomes clear what and who is important..  

Now so much has ben stripped away and values, attitudes and reality itself is clearer now.  I have dropped three "friends".  One, a long term friend imperiously ignored health regulations early in the pandemic.  Sneered at them. Actually felt sorry for herself since St. Patrick's Day just wasn't the same.  All about her.  It always was all about her.  This behavior put her narcissism in bold relief.

Another, an acquaintance whose husband had a serious case of MS that defied any treatment, had to care for him, with aides for many years.  When we were up north, we would visit them, bring over lunch.  Chat a bit. From Florida, after she was widowed, I'd call periodically to see how she was doing.  In May, while the pandemic was spreading she crossed a county border to go to a hairdresser who was open.  Said her hair was orange.  I wanted to say, if your hair is orange, you need a new hairdresser.  We argued about it, she became very angry.  I haven't called her since and, tellingly, she has not called me.  

The third I feel bad about since she is older and isolated since she  had a fall several years ago.  We were gardening friends. would occasionally go out to lunch.  I'd stop off once a summer when I was back up north. Bring flowers, sometimes food.  Her divorced son moved in with her several years ago.  Recently she called, left a message, she was lonely, couldn't get out etc.  I called her back and we had a nice conversation until she started having delusional and hateful stories about our previous president and the current presidential candidate.  Her statements were racist, derogatory, venal. I asked her what right wing extremist radio she was listening to and that I couldn't disagree more.  Said, I have to go now.

Although sad, these relationships were not true friendships, just convenient acquaintances to chat with  about similar interests. Time is precious.  As my father used to say, time is running out.  

Our dog is mad at us.

 I don't blame her.  The September weather is perfect for keeping doors open.  I'm in and out, getting chores done with the help of a once a week landscaper.  Sometimes Zoey follows me around and sometimes she disappears to sniff in the bushes.  Often I have to search for her in the house.  I know her usual spots but sometimes we just call "treat!" and she shows up.

We often start watching movies at 6 p.m., even before night falls.  My husband likes to get to bed early.  So we watched movies until 10 p.m.  Then I looked for the dog.  She was nowhere.

My husband found her patiently sitting at the front door.  She never even barked but boy was she mad.  She went straight upstairs to her bed and gave me the stink eye when I came up to pat her.  She was wiped out exhausted from staying awake.

Well, she is still up there this a.m.  I'd better check on her.

 

That Old Gang of Mine

 Every year in Florida we have a group of friends who arrive at varying times from up north.  The pandemic has upended everyone's plans.  Getting older is also a sobering reality.

One friend has had dementia for the past few years.  It is getting worse.  Her husband has someone with her when he leaves to play golf.  Their children are up north and this year they are not going back to Florida.

I emailed another friend about our yearly Thanksgiving plans.  He wasn't sure they would make it back for Thanksgiving. They might go down later.  His wife had a bladder tumor that was benign but worrisome.

Another friend has a-Fib that is barely controlled.  His wife keeps him rested and house bound these days.

Another friend is recovering from back surgery.

We might be the last ones standing.  We are a few years younger than them so this might be our future.

Pepper Update

 Pepper, our son's cat, disappeared the night before she was put to sleep.  She had cancer.  His 12 year old daughter found her at the dock which is reached by going down a steep hill by 100 steps or so.  She had never gone down there before.  They brought her back to the house.  Then she disappeared again.  This time she was found on their boat.  She had to jump more than 3 feet from the dock to the boat. It was high tide and an amazingly difficult jump for an old cat with cancer.

Finally, the vet came and Pepper escaped no more.  It was time.

Pepper

 Our son rescued Pepper almost 20 years ago. She was living in a filthy room with a man with severe mental illness.  She is a pretty cat. Tricolor.  I think there is a name for that kind of cat

Pepper has always been skittish around people.  I've never had a cat so maybe that is within the normal range for cats. Maybe because of her early environment she wasn't particularly friendly.  She became an outdoor/indoor cat pretty much doing her own thing.  They had a cat door to the house.   When our son and his family went away I would go over to replace her food and water,Pepper would hear the car and run out to "greet" me but didn't typically let me near her.  Once she rolled over exposing her clean white belly.  I leaned down to scratch her the way I scratch dogs.  She bit me.  Sometimes she would cry when I drove up and I think she missed her people.. If she didn't show up I worried that a coyote or other creature had gotten her.  She always turned up the next day.

Over the years our son acquired a dog for the kids and a kitten that his wife found at the side of the road.

Pepper ignored the other creatures.

Recently she has slowed down.  Their vet found cancerous tumors.  Our son made an appointment with a vet who makes house visits to euthanize sick pets.  The night before the appointment the family said goodbye to Pepper who was up in her playhouse (which she had not climbed into in more than a year).  The next morning she was still in her playhouse.  Then she went outside about 5 minutes before the vet arrived and disappeared. 

They can't find her.  

Getting Lost

 I walk our dog in an adjacent community where I know no one.  Zoey doesn't like other dogs and I have to  avoid them.  Also too many people in our small community go out without masks which is OK if you don't stop and chat.  I don't know anyone in the larger adjacent community I drive to with Zoey.

Zoey gets bored with her walks these days.  Even in this orderly planned community we walk in, she pulls me down a hidden dirt path that leads to woods and then another older community.  The older community was once a summer cottage community since it borders the river and its various tributaries.  Some homes are ramshackle, others are well maintained.

I use  my walks to call friends, especially friends who might be isolated.  call an old friend who was widowed last year and is facing health problems.  Zoey pulls me into the adjacent community and I walk and talk on the phone.  Turn down several windy streets. Don't pay attention to where I'm going.   I've never been here but I vaguely know where we are.

Then I look around.  tell my friend on the phone I'm not sure where I've walked to.  I walk down one street and then another.  The way out doesn't seem immediately apparent.   I keep talking to my friend but say I can't find my way back.  She says, you're scaring me.  She probably thought I was slipping into dementia. Finally I tell my friend I'm hanging up and focusing on getting home.  I call my husband and also check Waze.  The way I came in on a dirt path through the woods is not on Waze and I get a much longer road home which I don't want to take.  My car is parked on the road near the woods.

My husband picks me up and drives me to the dirt path.  The experience was concerning.  What if I couldn't reach my husband?  What if my phone was dead?

My husband says, just pay attention when you are out walking and don't talk on the phone!!!

Old Friends

 My very best friends are the ones I made early in life.  My home life was stable and we always lived in the same place.  My mother, in fact, lived in the home she went to as a bride for 60 years.  My college life was stable.  Same college, loved it, graduated after 4 years, went immediately to graduate school for 2 years where I met my husband. We raised our children in 2 different homes, moving to our current home after they were grown.

So friendships threaded their way through this sameness.  

My oldest friend is from 4th grade.  We went to high school and college together and had the same group of friends throughout those years.  We married a week apart.  She settled in a distant state.  Our lives diverged somewhat but we could always pick up the thread and commiserated about medical, dental and other issues, pets and children.  We were both always dog lovers.  She became a widow very young, never remarried. For years, she would visit us in Florida but finally stopped just last year since she always got a cold after flying.  Usually she would take the train down here or drive down with one of her kids and visit in the summer  Then the pandemic struck.

Another old friend is from high school.  We haven't seen each other for years since she lives in a rural part of Pennsylvania.  We have been planning to take public transportation to NYC and meet there.  Then the pandemic struck.

Several old friends are from college. One old friend now lives in California.  Her life has been difficult in some ways but fortunate in others.  Her daughter, a stellar student who went on to earn a Ph.D. married an abusive creep. There was a young child involved. My friend and her husband, years ago went into a witness protection mode, quit their jobs and moved to California, telling no one where they were going. The daughter had an excellent job nearby in California and took her daughter (their granddaughter) with her.  The creepy husband made some attempts over the years to connect but is essentially a low life who can't hold a job and has nothing to back him up.  Now that granddaughter is starting college, my friends husband has died but her daughter (whose second husband died young of cancer) lives nearby.  My friend has many cousins, relatives and friends in California, friends she made through teaching there, playing bridge, etc.  She has a full and rich life now despite turmoil and loss in the early years of adulthood.

Another old friend from college now lives in a southern state.  She lives in the same large home she and her husband bought when they were first married.  For several years her husband suffered from Parkinson's. He was a brilliant, affable man. Until recently, we would get together with them yearly.  I'm glad we visited him in a very high end assisted living/nursing home care a year ago.  She was at his side at the assisted living facility every day.   Last fall he died.  She seems to be doing OK, she plans to stay in her home, stating she doesn't like the enforced socializing and crowded conditions of even the best facilities.  I totally agree. I don't know when we will see her again.

A friend from graduate school lives nearby.  Her husband died suddenly several years ago.  She still works and is very good at out of the box/creative thinking.  She has dated the same man for many years now and he has wanted to get married/live together for years.  She has resisted.  They always take wonderful trips together to exotic, interesting places.  Then the pandemic struck. 

Our yoga teacher

 She is a member of our Church in Florida.  She offered to teach Zoom yoga when the pandemic started.  My husband and I signed up, as it were.  No charges.  She says it keeps her on track to have others do it with her.

We are steady participants.  She is very good.  Sometimes her husband joins.  He is not so good.  It is amusing to see him stop and rest as if we can't see him behind her.  He adds a bit of humanness to the process.  She is serious and focused.  I really don't know her at all.

 Yet she worries about us if we don't Zoom in.  I feel a responsibility to let her know we wont be coming.  That is only fair.

Oddly, the yoga helps with strength and flexibility.  I'm rather surprised but pleased.  Yoga was never my favorite "thing" I have to send her a nice gift of thanks but I can't decide what.

My plumber

 I'm not quite sure how I found him but he is a gem.  A little grey man in brown work clothes, unremarkable. In his 60's, he is a throw-back to my parents generation. Calls me "Mrs" when everyone else calls me by my first name.

Hardworking, honest, decent.

I'm always amazed at how small his bills are. Bills on regular paper for amounts exactly like $121.52, including parts. I want to pay him right away but he always demurs, saying he will send me a bill.

Years ago he would have "helpers" for heavy lifting projects.  One year it was his nephew who then disappeared. He has no children to inherit his business.  No one wants to be a master plumber anymore anyway.  Years of work/study etc and in the end you are cleaning out toilets. 

Last year his wife was sick.  A heart condition.  He muttered about retiring. I called yesterday, hoping he was still in business.   I needed his advice on the sump pump situation at our cottage.  The young guy across the street who is a plumber was helpful but still I needed to run the situation past someone I trusted.

My old plumber called back today.  His wife died in April.  She was in and out of the hospital last year till the end. I murmured  my condolences. He said she said she had a happy life.  I said I know he was a devoted husband.  Then he veered off topic.  His wife always fed the hummingbirds so they expect to see her out there with her syrup .  He is using his wife's formula (sugar and water) to keep up with the hummngbird's expectations. ....and to keep her memory alive. 

He hasn't retired.  

A new routine of sorts

 Yesterday and today I walked Zoey down the path to our little marina and then up the other path to an adjacent community.  Along the way, a massive ancestral old tree was down, uprooted undoubtedly by the recent rains, not wind.  It fell across both paths - ours down and theirs up.The root mass seemed shallow for such an enormous tree.  Scary.  The trees in that steep stream-bifurcated area are virgin hardwoods, probably going back hundreds of years.  There was never any development there or agriculture.  It's an interesting place, recently changed through stream restoration to prevent storm water from going into the river..

I often think of our old rescue dog Rebe when I walk those paths with Zoey.  I would keep Rebe on a leash going downhill until we got past a steep embankment.  I was always afraid she would fall over the edge.  Rebe loved it. She would run free up the wooded slopes and back down into the old stream.  Sometimes I would lose sight of her and get worried. She always knew where I was and would come back.  I feel her spirit there.  Those were good times for both of us.

I can never let Zoey off leash.  She doesn't like other dogs.  If someone's dog were walking off leash , I think she might fight them.  Better safe than sorry. As it is,  Zoey trots obediently ahead of me. Sits on the ground as I sit on a bench on the adjacent community pier. Pants, tongue lolling to one side. She is a black dog and feels the heat.  I watch our neighbor over on our community pier working on his new boat.  I yell hello to him but he is power washing and doesn't hear me.

I'm glad no one else was here at high noon walking their dog.  I'll come back.

It was hot and humid out.  We returned home within an hour.

Had to miss yoga today so that was a good substitute exercise. 

Crazy Days and Crazy weather

We left Florida so that we would not get stuck in hurricane season.  Then Tropical Storm Isais strode up the coast, hitting coastal towns especially. Florida was mostly spared on the west coast. Up here, we got rain but no trees down.  Then two days of just rain/thunder/storms that saturated the earth.

We drove down to our cottage to find the sump pump had been off due to a faulty switch.  The basement was filled with muddy water.  My husband knew that there was a faulty switch but didn't realize it controlled the sump pump.  He is a procrastinator.  He would fix the switch "next time" after he bought the parts. Chores have always lined up on him until he gets a rush of manic frenzy.  When I ask him if he has done something he replies, not yet.

I should have called an electrician.  

Then there is the old boat that needs to be fixed.  Boat repair people are their own breed.  They don't return calls.  They don't show up.  So my husband thought he had found a good guy to fix the boat.  Good guy meaning someone who doesn't look like a serial killer. Someone who actually showed up when he said he would.  Husband called this guy repeatedly for two months.  No answer.  No response to various pitiful entreaties to at least call and give him the name of someone else.

Meanwyhile husband and son finally get the faulty switch at the cottage fixed and then they had drain the basement which took forever, then we went back to find mud was clogging the sump pump, potentially burning it out and costing a fortune to replace. 

I really really should have called an electrician.

Meanwhile, husband got serious about repairing the boat and found someone who said he'd come out and take a look.  Name was familiar.  One of the guys on our list from years ago who was unreliable. It was suspicious this guy was free. Maybe this guy just got out of jail. Every other place said they are swamped  with work.  Everybody is buying a boat.

Today the boat repair guy came and fit the stereotype.  Monstrous serial killer type, somewhat too friendly.  He even remembered our sweet old dog Rebe, now dead more than 6 years. And, oh yes he remembered the boat.  Later he dx the boat's problem correctly, said he'd have to order the parts which were hard to get (everyone buying/repairing boats).

That's probably the last time we will hear from him.

The new normal

It is insanity.  No exaggeration.  The pandemic and a psychopath for a president.  The perfect storm.  Still. we personally are fortunate.  No work for my husband to drive in to.  He is on the computer and  telephone all day. My husband's office has been closed since early March.  I talk on the phone to friends.  Many are now widows. They are coping in different ways. One lives alone after her husband died last fall. She likes her house and location.  She doesn't want to have to socialize with strangers at one of those independent living/continuing care communities.  She likes being alone but worries about falling.  She has a one story home with different levels for different areas.  Not stairs, just a few steps.  But falling when you are alone is scary.  Fortunately, her daughter and family lives nearby .  My friend tutors two of her grands while they are out of school.  She is good in that role, enjoys it.

Back up north

We dreaded the drive up north but Florida was getting worse and worse.  Friends were saying, Get OUT!  With the driving help of our sons, we only stopped one night.

Then the fun began.  Trying to organize, manage, deal with the myriad of issues after being away for almost 8 months

Still, we are the lucky ones.  My husband works from home and we can control our interactions with the larger community.

This is not going away any time soon, if ever.

Women, alone

First there was my sister who bought a walk-up condo after her divorce a dozen years ago.  The condo was in my hometown, in a pre-war building that used to be apartments.  I can remember when my uncle lived there.  Solid places.  My sister could walk to everything: restaurants, grocery stores, CVS etc.  Several old high school friends still lived in the Village, divorced or widowed, so she had a good Happy Hour group.  A good enough life.

Then the pandemic struck.  My sister became a virtual prisoner in her condo.  Her son-in-law went grocery shopping for her and drove 45 minutes to deliver the groceries to her.  I called her every day, worried about her isolation.  She is better now.  Does her own grocery shopping during Senior Hours.  Has Happy Hours while social distancing in friends' backyards.  Waves at the grand kids from her car.

An old college friend became a widow last fall but was alone during the year her husband was in assisted living with Parkinsons.  She has a large home on a large property.  The area seems semi-rural.  We visited her last year.  It would be a kind of desolate area to live - for me anyway.  I call her periodically.  The kids wanted her to buy into the Continuing Care Community her husband was in.  She said no. She likes her space and her privacy.

Another friend lost her husband abruptly last year.  Her kids all live 2 hours away.  A large house. At one time, her in laws lived across the street, and her BIL and SIL lived nearby.  Now they are all gone.  She seems cheerful but has always been resolute.

My mother lived for twenty odd years after my father died.  She was fortunate since she had her church and bridge groups and a few neighbors to keep tabs on her.  Then slowly dementia took her mind.

End of life decisions are hard.  Where to live.  How to be safe.  We live in a ground floor condo with no steps.  Peaceful and quiet.  Sedate but not 55 plus. Dog friendly.  A little garden behind our lanai which I have cultivated over the years....and a Preserve area we look out at, all green.  I love the view when we get up in the morning.  Perfect, really . However, we really don't know our neighbors, except to wave.   It is more of a transient kind of place and people we knew here in previous years. have moved away. More renters. We have friends in the greater area but not right here.  Maybe there is a perfect solution but I'm not exactly sure what it is. 

We know everyone in our neighborhood up north,  Also we have family up  there.  But we can't take the cold.  No one knows what the future might hold.   Next year maybe I'll investigate options for aging in place here.

My Dog Walker

My dog walker back north is a feisty woman in her 70's with a vague past. For as long as I have known her, she has owned 4 dogs which are her family. When one dog dies, another takes its place.  She has spoken of 3 husbands in her past.  Her family consists of one brother in Arizona. I've know her since before I had Zoey, when my dog Rebe was alive.

Her dogs have always been her life and she does dog training although it is the type of training for performance shows, not regular dogs. She much prefers dogs to people.

Recently I happened to speak with her.  I haven't had much contact in the past year since I'm doing more walking myself, not being lazy about dog walking.

What  happened to her is sad but predictable..  She was walking her dogs  in a heavily wooded spot with high cliffs looming over our creek.  On Google Maps, it is labeled a "Park' but it is a bramble filled no mans land with narrow dirt paths, not tended by any government entity.

My dog walker slipped and fell down the cliff.  On the way down she lost her cell.  It took her 3 hours to drag herself up.  She had injured her hip.  The next day, injured still, she went to Urgent Care and they sent her to the hospital with a broken hip.  She was in the hospital for I think she said 6 weeks....

A neighbor said she would take the dogs to boarding, not the boarding my dog walker uses but one about 20 miles away.  Once there this neighbor came to the hospital and had my dog walker sign away her dogs for adoption.  Two of her dogs are large and the neighbor explained that my dog walker couldn't care for them any more.  That's probably true.  Still, it seems so cruel.  I'm sure parts of this story were skipped over.  The neighbor then had a crew clean up my walkers yard and home, down to the magnets on her refrigerator.  My dog walker was outraged but there must have been more to the story here, anyway.  You just can't clean out someone's yard and home without permission.

Her dogs are gone and she won't see them again. My dog walker said she cried for days.  I feel really awful for her.  Still, she might have seen this coming.  Something like this happened to her in a similar fashion a few years ago when she fell down by the river while walking her dogs,.  In that case, someone was around and helped her up and got her back to her car.

She said she is getting another dog.  A yellow lab puppy from a breeder she has used before.  I tried to talk her into getting an older dog from the county shelter but she wants a dog she can train to use in her classes.

What a Difference a week makes

The death Of George Floyd has stunned the country.  The police committed murder, slow cruel murder.  They are all psychopaths, puffed up with unassailable power.  Sickening.

Beside that, all else palls.  The nation appears to be divided as never before.

Tales From the Pandemic: Make Lemonade

The pandemic has created hardship, suffering and desperation among many.  The extent of the world wide devastation is incomprehensible.  I think of the people affected the most: families with children, workers who have lost their jobs, businesses that may never reopen, those living in cramped housing conditions and many others.

We are now just hearing that this may never go away, even after a vaccine is discovered.

Recently I said to a friend, we were fortunate to live when we did.  I'm retired, my husband can work remotely. Our Florida community is sparsely populated and pleasant.  The dog and I walk to the pond, watch the ducks, and contemplate the beauty around us.  I talk to friends on the phone. The dog just sits, pants and is annoyed that we are not going further. 

I try not to think of our old life, of what we lost but rather think about what we still have and what we can do to make life manageable, even interesting. We are fortunate.

If this virus is never completely going away, the world is changed forever and we must adapt: individually and as a world community.


Our niece is an environmental engineer, working from the apartment she shares with her boyfriend.

She has started a genealogy project, using 23 and me and Ancestry.com.  What she has uncovered is amazing, especially linking up her findings on Ancestry. com and then finding distant relatives with interesting tales to tell about common ancestors.  I can see how this would be an all-encompassing project.  A project that may have never been started if ordinary work and regular routines were not disrupted.

Years ago, I went on 23 and me when it first started.  Some guy in England, an amateur genealogist, discovered we were 6th cousins. We emailed a bit.  He was British and I was mainly of Irish heritage. He couldn't understand how we were related since the mutual greatgreat etc grandparents would have lived some time in the 1700's.  He wanted me to go back further that the 1820's when my ancestors arrived in America. He acted shocked that I didn't know, couldn't know.  How would he, poor fellow, ever figure out how we were related?   He though he was pure British.  I said, use your imagination.  I'm sure the Church of England didn't sanction the coupling that led to our existence 2 centuries later.  He was horrified at my offhandedness.

Then there were appeals from people who were adopted and looking for birth parents.  I think I know who in my small family might have had an unplanned pregnancy and given up a child.  But what is the point, really?  Some of the people looking for birth parents were anguished.  They were looking for the fantasy real mother and father to replace the adoptive parents who raised them,

I signed my husband up also.  He never had any interest. I'd look on line at posts from people to him  with the same requests.  One had a suspiciously familiar name (we used initials for our profiles). She was my husband's late uncle's daughter.  I introduced myself, we chatted on line a bit and she told me a story: her father in law apparently had a child by another woman.  This adult child found them: he refused to acknowledge his paternity (she was an adult so no money would have been involved) and it was a sad story because of the confusion it caused among other members of the family and this child who found her father but was rejected..

My interest in 23 and Me has vanished and I can't imagine connecting with strangers, despite shared genes. My last on line encounter was an odd email from a woman I had seen on 23 and Me for several years - listed as a second cousin.  Unusual name. Looked her up.  An aging  rocker from years ago.  Tats and a wild hairstyle.  She looked a bit like my mother's sister. Overbite, uncorrected back then. We corresponded a bit and I think her father was my mother's cousin.  But what of it?  We had no history, nothing in common. I didn't give her my name when she asked.

 For years, my mother didn't talk about her family.  Her mother died when she was 4.  Her father married his mistress a month later but left his children with his dead wife's sisters.  You can imagine how well that went over back then,,,,

For years, my mother would get notices of "cousins" 4th of July picnics at a beach about 20 miles from us.  My father always nixed it. He didn't like beaches, the 4th of July and attendant celebrations.

Odd that we children didn't push it, especially since we only had two cousins , much older, of our own. We would ask questions but my mother did not wish to discuss her childhood.

Years later, after my mother died, I found a box of memorabilia and a faded newspaper obit.  My mother had written, "my uncle".  He was married to my mother's aunt who raised her.  So many secrets died with my mother.

Tales From the Pandemic: Decisions!!!

This pandemic would not appear to be a time to make a major life decision such as moving to another state or changing jobs.  Yet I know two cases where individuals planned just that.

It's called a geographic cure.

The first case was a teacher, a single woman, who was stuck in her apartment doing virtual instruction.  She realized that the apartment was not where she wanted to be, basically because the volume of traffic through the lobby, lack of masks etc made her concerned about coming  down with COVID.  The city streets were no longer were exciting or sophisticated, just potentially dangerous.  She wanted a quieter pace, a community, maybe a new job but where....and when?  She reviewed in her mind the pros and cons, never coming to a clear decision.

Another case is that of an old friend from college and her second husband who have been nomads of sorts since they were married more than 20 years ago.  Time is running out for them.  I think of that game children play with chairs and when the music stops everyone rushes for a chair.  There is always one more child than chairs so someone is always "out" because they don't have a chair.

They might be without a chair to land on.

These friends have always had plausible reasons to move.  Health, mainly,  She has a chronic condition where she needs a dry, desert like climate.   Years ago, she divorced her first husband  where they raised a daughter on the East Coast and went to graduate school in Phoenix.  But Phoenix now has too much traffic.  Tucson has too much crime.  They lived in San Diego in a posh golf course community which I was sure they wouldn't like.  They didn't.  She has a sister in San Diego but is too "coastal" although considered desert. Also she has a grifter brother in San Diego who has spent his adult life after coming back from Nam not working, borrowing from family.

 My friend and her husband lived in Las Cruces  at one point which she hated and which had too much crime.  Then they lived in a wonderful house in Albuquerque but Albuquerque had too much crime.  They always did voluminous research.  Decided to go to Ft Collins, Co for the climate and college environment where they thought they could avail themselves of cultural activities.  This time they rented; they had lost money on two homes they sold.  Her daughter, unmarried, has a serious terminal condition.  They are helping her out financially.  Sadly, I think they are running out of money as well as time.

 Ft Collins hasn't the right climate after all, they are living on the third floor in an apartment building with 30 year olds "with 5 dogs each".  They have made no friends.  He doesn't like it there for reasons she couldn't specify.  I think it sounds almost tragic. 

As the saying goes, they are not getting any younger.

So she called the other day from St George, Utah,  She and her husband drove 12 hours from Ft Collins and are staying in a motel for several days sussing out St George. Visiting with realtors, looking at options.  They also are going to check out Henderson, Nev. while they are there.

Time is running out.  Their lease in Ft Collins also is running out.  Either they re-up for a year or move on.  We spent 2 hours talking about the pros and cons of St. George.  Pros: St George seems to have a dry climate and has lots of Mormons which means the crime rate is low.  Hiking and biking is good.  Scenery gorgeous.  Con: what if they don't like it any more than Ft Collins?  She would lose her doctor in Ft Collins which is important.  If they rent, all the apartments they have seen are tiny.

I'd be panicking.....

Decision: She texted me today.  They are going to ask for a month to month extension on their apartment in Ft Collins and look for a house to rent in St George.

I am happy for them.

I hope St. George becomes the home they are seeking  but OMG no way would I move in this pandemic!!!

May 19th

A colleague of Joe's lost his wife recently....not to the virus but to a drunk driver on a road in upstate NY.  She and their daughter were bicycling.  They were retiring and had just finished building a home in Santa Fe.....just a short time until they moved there....She died instantly and was 64 years old.

So much sadness and sorrow and just a bizarre world.

Called friend Sheila to tell her about Jim and Leo's plans to leave Fl.  Called old college friend Maureen Kenny  in NC and had a nice catch up conversation.

Need to send Sheila a birthday card and send a donation for Joe' friends wife

Did yoga on line again and found out our teacher going home to R I.  She is good and I hope she can continue from there.

Whole Foods is delivering regularly now unlike the early days.

My daylilies are doing Ok

Bad storm and tornado and hail warning yesterday.

Friday May 15

A bit of excitement yesterday.  A fire started in the area across the street from the entrance to our community.  Appears to be arson.  Several fires were set in various area locations in a 20 mile swath of  us.  Not reassuring.  We packed for an evacuation order that never came.  Lives could have been lost, firefighters were treated at hospitals. Rain today but our bags are still packed.

Spoke with Jody.  Reopening at a limited take out level.  He is cooking at night...  Tragic for everyone.

MaY 13

This was my father's birthday, always a pleasant day, trees blooming, soft winds swirling.  He never wanted a fuss made out of his birthday, maybe a throwback to his emotionally impoverished childhood.  This week has been rather productive.  I sent a copy of Jen's orange daylily  story to a large group of friends.  Got lots of positive responses and it gave me a chance to connect to people I have not seen in years.  Joe and I are doing yoga through our church,  On line where no one can see how awful we are.   I'm trimming the garden, cutting the bouganvillas, a little each day.  I contributed (again) to our moribund writers group after our leader posted a short article of his for review.  Joe and I work independently, watch netflix together. Have taken a couple of drives, together and separately.  Wait for this to be over but really not a bad life.

May 7th

Not much clarity on when or if this will end.  I think most likely when a vaccine becomes widely available.  Probably in 2 years.  Joe and I are safe but I worry for the kids, who are in high risk occupations.

Joe still working hard.  Weather here great.  Deliveries all OK.  I'm working on getting assets enumerated for lawyers for will,

Sunday

Time goes in circular ways, never changing or moving forward.  Just around and around. So it is we take baby steps to getting our will and trust set up in Florida, find an attorney, start gathering information.  Every day I walk the dog, unpack boxes of food delivery, go to the garbage and re cycling and catch up with friends via phone.  Glad I finally connected with Chris and Pat the other day.  Went on Zoom again this p.m. but Jody couldn't make it.  Called Jim and Louise.  They are managing with take out as is Don McGee who called today.

Data on how and when this will end is not reliable.  Geoff says he will re open at the end of the month but doesn't expect things to get back to normal.

Neighbors who drove to Delaware called and reported traffic up (non stop drive) was OK.  Police barricades at Florida border driving down. Rather ridiculous posturing on the part of the governor.

Wed April 29

Yesterday connected w new Fl will/trust atty and emailed Frank who sent files to him (Jim Kerr).  Went thru Ancestry. com info w Kristen and Bill Danek.   Have to learn how to enroll w that. Walmaert food order arrived.  Took nap.

Today.  T/C w Dr Grace.  Need to be re tested in early June.  Spoke w Maur at pond bench.  Chris called.  need to call her back.  Called Pat, she called back but I missed it.
Tomorrow, t/c w Frank C re setting up Kerr Fl revisions to will.

Called GAVH re sentinel ( had test at Naples vet in November)

Tuesday April 28

Hot recently but cool yesterday and today.  Trying to take Zoey for long walks, and brush her frequently to get undercoat off.  Still cleaning out drawers/cabinets little by little.  Putting extras in garage.  Puttig away clothes I no longer use.  Took nap yesterday.  Very tired.  Itchy skin.  Digestive problems.  Started taking OTC stuff.

Cut bouganvillian arch some more but can't get into space over gutter.  Took nap but did not sleep just rested,  Very tired.

Sunday April 26

Took the dog for a walk this a.m. Very early since I wanted to avoid the heat of the day.  Then full of energy, I unpacked boxes delivered yesterday.  I always leave the contents out for another day.  Of course, another large box arrived this am.  A conveyor belt of seliveries.  Turned on church at 10 a.m. and was so tired I napped on the couch for 2 hours.

Saturday April 25

More sad news.  Called our friend who had the broken shoulder and wrist just as isolation began, then  horribly soon after their dog drowned in their swimming pool, then today we found out when calling him that his wife couldn't breathe at night, he called 911 and she had dangerously low potassium that could have resulted in a heart attack. She is in the hospital for a few days and he has an aide come in to help him.  He said wistfully, at least you still have your dog to walk.

Called another friend and his son just got over COVID.

Then our daughter's friend who works with her in the hospital tested positive.

I worry about our daughter.  My husband says she likely has it.  This is her second week long stint in a COVID only unit.

Not sure what day this is

It is hot here.  Even in the early morning.  I have been going outside to empty delivery boxes, pack up kitchen stuff in plastic tote boxes I ordered on line.  Need to clean out the garage, even here.  Packed up Zoey's travel bed and got rid of it.  Too much in garage needs to be donated or  gotten rid of.  Kids beach toys they never used.

Zoey's vet wants to clean her teeth of tartar next week.  I postponed doctor visit, not sick, quest lab results OK.

I'm busy all day!!!  More laundry since I wash everything I wear outside.

Spoke with a former college classmate the other day. A mutual friend called me asking me to call her since this old classmate was bereft at the loss of her son (single, living alone in a distant state)  and multiple dx of her brother,  She is a widow.  Husband died many years ago.  Lives in the same house she and husband bought 50 years ago, 3 miles from campus.  We worked on the campus newspaper together.  She was a sorority sister. Really a lovely, smart, gentle person.  I never saw her after graduation, and here I was calling her upon prompting from this mutual friend.  It was a very pleasant conversation.  Then yesterday, I got a call from another old classmate, also a friend of the woman I called, telling me she heard from the bereft friend that I had called.  Did I know of anyone else who could call her? The bereft old classmate is very much alone.  Lives alone.  This dead son was the executor of her estate, spent holidays with her.  The other son was  off in Wash State. I got the impression they were estranged.  I did what I could already...informed a mailing list of classmates, informed 3 former classmates specifically (by calling/writing).  Couldn't think of anyone else. It is thin gruel.

I wonder how many other people are out there there in comparable situations.  Alone.  Almost totally alone.

Tuesday

Hot out again.  Getting more food deliveries. I think maybe people are leaving Florida or maybe the supply chain is easing up.  Joe working on proposals.  Walk Zoey. Sit on bench.  Yesterday called an old classmate whose son had died. Awful.  He was in a distant state.  She had to make arrangements long distance.  Also talked to Joe's sister Jeanne and Joan.  Tired by afternoon.  Still cleaning out kitchen shelves.  Storage tubs for garage arrived today.  Zoey is needing a haircut!!!

Day whatever Earth Day

Cooked up veggies.  Walked Zoey.  Church showed 2 of my flower photographs during service (along with others): Bougainvillea and agave..

Meaghan and family joined Zoom

What day is This?

Oh yes, Saturday.  Yesterday I received two big local produce boxes.  We have too much.  I need to cook it up fast.  Then there is that Whole Foods order I managed to snag yesterday for delivery today.  Snagged some storage boxes on Wayfar today.  Gonna pack up all unnecessary kitchen plates, etc.  Still planning to get kitchen renovated whenever we get out of Florida. 

Sent garden photos to our Church for their garden photo display for Earth Day.

Zoey Vet appt postponed by them again Good Grief!!  Kind of sad.  Bet there are heartbreaking animal stories.  I''m bringing the vets some extra bottles of white wine I will never use.

Day 34 or so

Overcast , muggy day in Florida.  Slept very late due to being up late last night then waking at 6 a.m. and then going back to sleep.  Vet postponed routine visit for Zoey but I'm glad they did.  Zoey should get a haircut but I'm afraid to do it.  She has a flopping head of hair....she is getting old...now 7 1/2.

Last night I had a dream I had the coronavirus.  It was very real.  Woke up with a headache this a.m.  Very lethargic,

Joe finished his proposal and is now doing lightweight work stuff.  He took a walk this a.m. by himself, no Zoey.

I baked the Apple Pie jen sent.  It is wonderfully fattening.

Still need to cook eggplant and turnips from last weeks food shipment.

Need to plant end of daylilies shipped last month.  Soil here is weird concrete - sand.

Still on meds.

Day 32 or so

Joe finished his big project today.  I scored another Whole Foods purchase.  Exciting day - went to PO to mail bill check, ltr to Joan ad still another COA

Deaths still climbing

Day 31

Easter yesterday. Joe spent the day working on the proposal he has been working on for almost 3 weeks. I sat outside talking to Joan who has had tooth pain since her root canal last month.  Dentist said he can't see  her till May 6th.  Hard situation with no solution.  I urged her to call dentist on Monday.  She let a VM last week.

Zoom meeting that Jen has organized kind of unraveled.  Joe's audio wasn't working, Jody stuck at restaurant due to emergency.   Girls seemed uninterested in joining, Milla stayed in her room,  Joe had to sign off early due to proposal T/C

Will try again next week.

My Amazon Chase card was hacked.  Had to call and ask for another card.  A pain.

People out this evening walking ......85 degrees.

Trying to do one small project every day.  Today it was clean the front walk with bleach.

Day 29?

Trying to stay positive but get frustrated when I hear stupendously stupid things from friends.  A friend in NC who went to a Farmers Market with her family.  Not because she NEEDED anything but because she thought it was so much fun to walk around and see the people.  A friend who is hosting her family on her deck for Easter.  She assured me they are sitting 6 feet apart, But c'mon.  New data shows the virus can carry  13 to 27 feet .  A friend who still golfs here in Florida 3 X a week with her husband. Really?  She still goes to Publix.  She doesn't have a mask but her daughter promised to send one.  Meanwhile she (my clueless friend) was "WANDERING" around ACE Hardware looking for a Painters Mask.  When she asked a clerk where they were, he laughed at her.

Other friends (e.g., a former co worker) left Florida early because he couldn't stand the blase attitudes in his Golf course community.  We all want this to go away, yes but denying reality isn't helping.  It is harming.  Florida will explode soon.

An old friend has a nightmare problem - intractable tooth pain, necessitating TWO root canals on her tooth over the past couple months.  She can't eat or sleep.  Of course the dentists are closed .. 

I'm trying to help people who are not working - my house cleaners, my hairdresser, etc. 

I've scheduled virtual dr visits that work fine.  Now my former PT is scheduling a visit.

Day 27 or so

Old friend called last night.  She was livid about the governments irresponsible and chaotic handling of the virus.  She also mentioned calling a mutual old friend.  This old friend was widowed recently and lives alone.  She said she had such a nice time last weekend going to their local Farmers Market with her daughter, son in law and their 4 children.  Just walking around seeing the people....Farmers Market!  My friend was stunned.  I am too.  Another friend living here in Florida shops in person (OK I wouldn't do it but), then she said they still play golf three times a week but the carts are sanitized....then she said she thought she would get painters masks and went to Ace Hardware, as she wandered around she encountered a salesperson who laughed at her request.  I thought...people like this are part of the problem....

Day 26

People manage this lockdown differently.  Spoke with an old friend who is still here in Florida.  She and her husband ordered a scrabble game and are playing.  I told her about a mutual friend in another state who plays bridge on line.  Turns out this friend and her husband play bridge so I gave her the information. 

Walked the dog along CBC and no one was around much. A few sunbathers (!) in their driveways. Passed the condo of the first person we met here.  She now has Parkinsons.  Called and chatted.  They will stay as long as possible.  She has to get back to DC in late May for treatment.   Also called the friend whose granddaughter died last month.  Left a message.

My husband is working non stop on a proposal.  It is good for him to be so engaged but he needs to walk.

I started today on medicine I need to take for two weeks.  Hoping it resolves my digestive problems.  Has a telecall with my ortho guy about my miniscus.  Couldn't hear him well but I think he said there was arthritis in that knee (which I already knew).  He said no surgery which I also already knew.  No further contact needed.

Our old condo community announced its first COVID case.  Sadly, Florida will be blasted with it soon.

Day25 continued

A close neighbor from up north called.  She has a package for us delivered from Amazon.  Went through my order list and couldn't find it.  It is a mystery package.  It's good to have neighbors who watch out for things although I was on the phone when she called initially and she had her husband call my husband thinking something had happened to us. My husband was on a work call so that really panicked her.  It is good to have long term neighbors at home. 

She had some neighborhood news.  Another neighbor who owns assisted living/nursing homes is very worried.  Staff aren't showing up for work.  He is concerned they will be sued if a patient gets coronavirus.  Another neighbor violated the no boating rule and went kayaking.  My neighbor gave the kayacker a lecture.  We discussed the "individual rights" versus "collective" divide in America, the kayacker being an example of "no one will tell me what to do." 

My sister is starting to text me funny videos and memes.  I refuse to pass them on.  I'm already getting inspirational or heartwarming attachments to emails.  At least I never joined facebook.

Day 25

We had a Zoom visit with our children and their families last night.  It went reasonably well except I could not hear much since my one functional hearing aid (with rechargeable batteries) did not work. The battery died. My husband wanted to try and fix it but I wouldn't let him.

I need to get going on things I have been avoiding: taxes, filing for dental reimbursement from insurance etc.

Food delivery going well so far.  Boxes coming almost every day.  I wait one day and open them, Then sanitize the contents,

Husband wants to go back home.  No logical reason for it. Maybe to see his doctor and renew his prescription.

Day 24

A Sunday. Tried to tune in to UUN church services.  Worked OK but then I tried to sign in to google to comment and that got screwed up when I couldn't change my goggle password.

The theme this Sunday was, What Can We DO?  Some examples and recommendations were made.


I have been thinking about everything that has happened this past winter to people we know and it is astounding.  Most of these events are  part of the yin and yang of life.  There's a time for everything as the song goes.

I'm trying to connect to those who were affected.

An acquaintance's husband committed suicide. I sent a check to her charity on the obit and sent her a note.

A friend's granddaughter died of respiratory issues resulting from a birth injury. I sent a check to her charity and an email to my friend.

A friend;s son and his wife had a baby after many years of trying.  The baby developed two severe bacterial infections and is in the hospital with the mother.

A former colleague's son died of an overdose.  I emailed him and plan to make a contribution to a memorial garden in his name.

The COVID hit an employee of my husband, and her husband. They are parents of toddlers She is improving.  I sent an Easter basket  for the children and some goodies for the parents

My sister is isolated in a condo, living alone.  She has friends in her community that she would walk with, now she walks alone.  I sent her a mushroom flatbread for Easter (she is diabetic).

Day 23 or 24 who knows

Well. Whole Food cancelled me, doubtless because they, as other food delivery services, are swamped.  Although Florida is clearing out, especially in snowbird populations, more people are ordering on line. 

I am bummed because I wanted to use my old blog posts as a basis for a book.  Great time to write a book , eh?  They were erased.  Spent an hour trying to retrieve/restore it. My own fault. Google sent an email saying they would be erased last year.  I never noticed it.  Still have posts on this blog going back to 2016.  I printed them out so at least they won't be lost.

The lesson here is: never trust leaving important info on line or even a flash drive that can be thrown in a drawer.  Now I'm wondering where my old photos are......

My husband is working all day every day on the computer reviewing proposals and on the phone, responding to clients.  I take our dog for walks and catch up with bills and paperwork.

I'm organizing our files (paper) an putting important info in a book that says, I'm Dead, Now What?

I sent a check to our church and my cleaning woman today.  They can use it as can so many businesses and  service individuals, including professionals and hourly workers.

Day 22

Here's the new normal.  Hunting for food delivery.  I have on line carts at Amazon, Whole Foods, Publix, Walmart and Target.  Target seems to never have delivery dates.  Publix was Ok early on.  Not so much now.  Walmart is good for household items and will ship them separately.  They have an in house delivery service so they can ship partial orders as available.  Whole Foods is a challenge.  You have to game them,  Order early the next day to get on their schedule.  By early I mean EARLY.  At midnight they did not have any slots available.  But by forcing myself to stay awake until 1:45 a.m., I scored my cart load for delivery.   Stunning what makes us happy.

My sister tells me they don't have delivery at Stew  Leonards on Long Island.  That was always her go to food purveyor, even when she lived in Connecticut.  She tries telephone ordering and the line is always busy.  Of course.  This is the end result of not owning a computer or learning survival technology.  So now her son in law, a physician, does the shopping for his family and then for my sister and then drives 45 minutes to deliver it to her.

An employee of my husband who telecommutes has COVID.  So does her husband.  Now she thinks her young daughter has it.  Misery doesn't get any worse.  My husband is doing her work.  I'm starting to help him.

Husband had a eureka moment.  What if we run out of toilet paper?  Bingo.  He is only a month too late with that question. He has no idea of how food and supplies show up on our door.  He would shrivel up and die if I were not here.  I have toilet paper on order from a non traditional source.  That's how I found Purell many moons ago.

Today is the first of Florida's shelter in place rules.  I wonder how that will go...t has been party-hearty here for the past month.

Day 21 April Fools Day

My husband, who works from home, is busier than ever.  I woke up late (at 8!) and he was cleaning the house with an industrial cleaner.  He does this when he gets anxious.  Work avoidance and control.

We are absorbing the news that we will be here trough the summer.  Its not terrible.  We have everything we need.  Deliveries are set into place, some won't come until way into April.  I spend an hour checking my carts from Amazon, Whole Foods, Target, Walmart and Publix.  Today I ordered paper towels and toilet tissue from Office Mart.  Thinking outside the ordinary sources.

The little garden behind our condo is getting extra attention. I have some daylilies I must plant.  Trying to see if they will survive this climate.

We watch The Tudors on Netflix at night.  Henry V111, a raging, entitled egomaniac who beheaded those who disagreed with his idea or what he planned to do.  Ran the Court through intimidation and sycophancy.  "Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it"

I am reading a dissertation for my husband.  It is overdue for a response.

What day is this Maybe 20

March 31 2020 Our daughter is a physician in a COVID only hospital.  She had dire news.  Maybe it was "out there" in all the reports on the internet but I never processed it.  Sooner or later, almost the entire population of the world will get COVID.  There is no immunity. She recommended my husband and I self isolate for 6 to 8 months.  Or until they find a vaccine.

I told a friend that information (by phone). Also our son.  They both said, maybe we should get it now while facilities are not overcrowded  I said, no, there's no guarantee getting it now will provide immunity.  Plus it is a horrible way to die, choking without air.

Meanwhile, ordinary life goes on for many people we know: All in the past month.

An employee of my husband and her husband have it. They have two small children.  The children are symptom free but brought it home from their Day Care teacher.  She said she has a constant headache, breathing problems, and fatigue.

A former colleague of mine's son, in his 20's, died of an overdose.

A friend's grandchild, severely disabled sine birth, died at age 15.

A friend' new granddaugher, a new born; has a rare bacterial infection and is in a hospital with her mother.

A good friend here in Florida fell in his lanai and broke his shoulder, wrist and has a trombosis in his leg.  He is at home.

The good news is we are safe here in our small condo community in Florida. Every day brings small challenges to be overcome.  Today my Whole Foods order went through for delivery.  I'm stunned. This has been my daily on line hunt and only once before has a WH order gone through. I think people are leaving lorida for "home" wherever that is.  We are stayig although my husband wants to go "home" somehow.

Day 18 continued

Today was a scorcher but I got out early into the garden, clipping and trimming and it felt good. Am doing loads of wash since I take off my clothes and change them every time I walk the dog or go to the garbage bin.  The news is not good.  This coronavirus won't go away.

My sister lives alone on Long Island.  She has diabetes.  I feel for her since she no longer even walks with friends through the neighborhood and sees her daughter/grandkids when they pull up in the car and roll down the window 6 feet away. I call her almost every evening while walking the dog.  Missed it last night.  Will try tonight.

Day 18

Yesterday was off kilter. My old Department Chair called with news that a former colleague's son died.  Opiod overdose.  I emailed the colleague.  He said he had been hopeful.  The son was addicted for 7 years, then "clean: for 2 1/2 years, worked on a farm in a remote area of Colorado, then relapsed, then overdosed accidentally.  Colleague said this often happens with addicts who relapse. He was happy for the time he spent the past few years with the son, flying out to Colorado, going skiing, etc.  I don't know how you ever get over this, if ever.

Department chair himself now is retired and lives in Colorado. I'm very happy for him. He worked hard.  He contracted hanta virus when he lived in Maryland, almost died. Rare for the east coast.  He was treated at NIH I guess it was a dozen years ago.  Heroic measures saved him.  A physician directly under Fauci worked assiduously to treat and save him.  He said she should have been up there with Tromp during those incomprehensible press briefings but that Tromp would never have tolerated a female Asian  physician up there.

Out of an abundance of sadness, my husband and I took a drive past the beaches, ostensibly closed but packed with people who didn't need to use the parking lots. I guess incomprehensible press briefings make sense to some people.

Then we drove to a spot where the dog could run, a serene spot beautiful and quiet.  No not a cemetery.  A spectacular Catholic Church tucked away on a side road.  We let Zoey off leash and she looked a bit confused.  I kept thinking we were on CCTV and the police would be  called.  But there were no NO TRESSPASSING signs.  As we left we did see a Sheriff's car but I have seen them in that area before since the church is tucked behind fast food places and car dealerships. 

Day 16

I no longer watch the news, although I scan headlines.  Coping with the unimaginable requires tuning some of it out.  My husband works from home, then takes a late afternoon break to watch the news on CNN.  I glance at the screen.  A physician is being interviewed.  As he waits to respond, he chokes up, almost crying.  Then he catches himself.

Our daughter is a physician in a hospital that was transformed into COVID only.  She said the thing that gets you is that people come in relatively healthy and then deteriorate rapidly.  There is relatively little the doctors can do to help.  They have been triaging patients for a week or so now, giving the ventilators to those most likely to recover, not the sickest.  My husband looks at me and says, they will never give me a ventilator.

This, a first world power, has come to this.

Day 15

Up at 10 30 but all is not lost.  I was up at 2 a.m, reading.  Up at 4 a.m. doing laundry Up at 6 a.m. again checking email.  Guess I slept in between.

This headache I've had for days (upon awakening) won't go away.  I take Excedrin.  Headache goes away, as do the muscle aches.  I have stopped reading about the coronavirus.  Stress management 101

The days are counted in small victories.  I tried to place a delivery order with Whole Foods more than a week ago.  They never had available times for delivery. they kept saying on the website "Check back later"  Finally at 2 a.m. I found a delivery time.  HAH.

I'm really getting tired of Amy's organic soups.

I have become careful about food.  I put stale tortilla chips in soup. Not bad.  Soggy flavorful chips.  My husband didn't finish the lobster ravioli from a few days ago.  It sits in the refrigerator.  I'll harass him to eat it one more time.

Our club serves sandwiches and meals to go.  I can't do it....

Day14

Today is Wednesday.  Two weeks since our youngest son and his wife left to go back North.  Two weeks since we ate on the beach, surrounded by all things denial.  I have been counting the days since we began "sheltering-in-place", cheating a little bit on runs to the bank and CVs drive-thru.  Oh yes, the Post Office - but only to drop off mail.  Honestly.

My husband is telecommuting to his small six worker firm.  All but two employees telecommute - Boston, Chicago, Baltimore, Wash., DC.  They use an internal Zoom-type service to connect.

I am starting to think of our food supplies.  Delivery services are backed up.  Whole Foods and Target are impossible.  Publix will make its first delivery today.  We have been eating lots of canned food.  Mostly soups.  I think I found frozen chicken in the bottom of the freezer. We still have eggs.

 This a.m. I am trying to make things normal.  Better than normal.  I sit on the lanai, sipping healthy licorice tea., reading a forgettable crime novel.

My husband walks out to where I'm sitting.  He looks shipwrecked.  His mustache is growing over his lip.  Something is wrong with his beard.  "Marjorie can't work anymore.  She needs to rest".  Marjorie and her husband Matt have COVID-19.  She has trouble breathing and a headache all the time.  They have two small children, the first conceived by a year's worth of painful IVF.  On Christmas cards he and his younger sister sport big glasses and red hair.  Mischievous, happy grins.  Their day care teacher has COVID-19. It was transmitted to Eleanor and Matt through contact with the children.  The teacher waited three days to tell the parents.

I start to clean out the kitchen shelves.  Alexa plays The Platters on I heart radio.

Class reunions I'd rather not remember

Class reunions always involve treacherous terrain.    At my 10th undergraduate reunion I had an unfortunate encounter with my ex boyfriend.  We had unfinished business. That encounter finished it.  I never saw him again.

The most recent reunion was my 55th.  A friend had lobbied the University administration to provide us with a room on campus.   I decided to go to support this classmate's success.  Her husband had been our class President. He was a fantastic class president. He had a great future.  Alas, somewhere along the way he ended up in Federal prison for student loan fraud at a proprietary vocational school where he worked. Two years.  But I digress.

Ten years ago, our 45th reunion Friday night event occurred at an off campus site in downtown DC.  The room was hot and crowded. Impossible to get a drink. My husband didn't come with me.  I convinced a friend to go with me and we took the Metro down from her house.  Most of those attending were women dragging compliant husbands.  Only one man was there - Matt.   I remembered Matt from school but didn't know him well. He was one of those friendly cute guys.  He had been in the same fraternity as a guy, Bill, who married my best friend,.  I introduced  Bill and my friend.  They married, had three kids and divorced.  I was Godmother to their first child.  We drifted apart.

At that 45th reunion, stuffed into an overheated room, Matt and I spoke  as he circled the room.   He was a lawyer in Richmond. Private practice.  He had that Lawyer in Richmond look.  Something about that Southern gene pool.  He was still cute.  I asked him if he remembered Bill, his fraternity brother.  My friend Bill's ex wife had died by that time. No, he didn't remember Bill.

Certain events in our lives stand out while others recede.  I remember that night at our 45th reunion.The oppressive heat. The crowded room.   Several of us trickled outside where it was cooler.  Matt left.

Life goes on but finding Bill periodically consumed me. I goggled.  Nothing.  I asked fellow classmates but no one  had any information.  How does someone disappear?  My husband was peripherally involved in the search for Bill because he knew him from when we were all first married. I must have told my husband about meeting Matt at the 45th reunion and asking him about Bill.

Back to the 55th reunion in the comfortable room the University provided us this time around.  After dinner, my husband and I separated,  each of us talking to different groups. I ended up sharing stories with our Class President, the ex felon.  We had many laughs and didn't notice the place was closing down, caterers packing up.  Then my husband interrupted us triumphantly, a befuddled man in tow.   Mari, here's Matt.

Ten years had not been kind to Matt.  He was again alone.  He couldn't remember me and couldn't figure out why my husband dragged him over. It was pretty damned awkward.  Hi Matt, I said, do you still live in Richmond? He eyed me suspiciously. How do you know that, he asked?  Oh we were talking at the class reunion 10 years ago.  Do you still practice law?.  He started warming up.  I reminded him we had been talking about Bill.  By way of explanation, I said I have been wondering what happened to him.  He married a friend. He was in your fraternity.

A small group of us walked out to our cars.  Matt muttered, mostly to himself,  Bill, Bill.  Oh yes, he said, I get our old fraternity newsletter.  I seem to remember someone by that name died three weeks ago,

He was right.  I found the Obit on line.   No family information.  I wrote something nice on the tribute page. Only one other person had written anything.

New Years Resolutions for Seniors: Health, Part 2

4.  So we do everything "right" and still our health is failing.  We need to adapt.  Last night we had dinner with friends.  It was dark when we left (separate cars).  He was driving even though he should not be driving because he has macular degeneration and cannot see well at night.  She has 20-20 vision but is afraid to drive after she was told by her doctor not to drive quite some time ago (she had a fall and a subdural hematoma).  Last year I had to pick her up and drive her to the hospital after he had a heart attack.   That should have made them consider changes.   I suggested a seniors driving course that they must have in our Florida area.  Advice at best is ignored.  Oh yes, said she good idea. Yeah, right.

Adaptation.  Driving is basic to our independence.  If we can't or won't drive we need to adapt.  Lyft and Uber are available. Door to door service in minutes.  Even public transportation if we live in an area that has rail, subway or bus service.  Easier for me to download the Lyft app.  I haven't ridden a bus in many year, and then it was a sightseeing bus on the Amalfi Coast (death defying).