Stalkers

Many years ago, a friend's daughter was stalked by her dangerous ex-husband.  The daughter took a new job across the country  Her parents followed, quitting their jobs and telling no one where they were going.  As my friend said, we know he will find us but it will take him a few months. They were fortunate; they had the resources to re locate and pay the attorneys fees for the many years of legal acrimony that followed.

Also many years ago, another friend's daughter, an only child,  started calling me for "advice".  The calls were too frequent, she exhibited a kind of pressured speech and a personal grandiosity along with entitledness that were indications of some serious mental health issues. Everything that happened to her was someone else's fault.  I had a hard time getting off the phone; she actually acted irritated when I tried to hang up.  Worse, she started complaining about her mother, my friend.  I wish I had referred her for mental health treatment at the time. This was a serious boundry issue that I had goodheartedly fell into.   Instead (this is how long ago it was) I got Caller ID on my landline. It was new then. I never answered a call from her again because I always checked caller id.  I saw her rarely in subsequent years; when I saw her, she acted awkward around me as if she knew I had dodged her calls.

Fast forward and this now middle aged, well educated woman has never made a successful transition to adulthood.  She has been unable to settle into a career. She can't keep jobs, especially jobs she considers beneath her.   At one point she took two years off to go to graduate school for an on line non-marketable liberal arts master's degree.  She borrowed money from her paternal aunt to pay for the degree and living expenses.  She never paid the money back, claiming the job she obtained after graduating from this program didn't pay enough.  The aunt stopped talking to her and my friend  has to keep them separated on holidays and other social occasions.

Now this woman, my friend's daughter has suddenly re-entered my life, first emailing me. with several paragraphs of 'news'  and suggesting we go out for lunch some time while I am back from Florida.   I said I had considerable responsibilities over the next few months and couldn't commit. That is about as clear a rejection as a normal person would ordinarily understand.  She then called asking for a favor for an acquaintance of hers. It was a small favor and I did it.  I figured it was a one off.  I hoped.  But that was just an entre to connect.  Now she is calling me again. Leaving messages on my cell and landline. (How did she get my cell number?) Overly familiar...are you still in the lower 48....dramatically effusive....I have a  "teeny-tiny" question.  I let the calls go to VM. Then I delete.

I said to my husband, am I paranoid or is she stalking me?  She is stalking you, he said.

Therapists deal with this type of patient all the time...needy, manipulative, demanding. One solution for therapists to set strong boundaries: clearly delineated time and other issues (e.g. financial)  Patients want to feel "special" and complicated transference issues can occur. Part of the treatment plan may involve discussing the pts demands for special treatment.

I'm not this woman's therapist.  My decision is to ignore all her calls, emails, or attempts to contact me. Those are the boundaries that an ordinary person can enforce with a stalker. Simply ignore the stalker.  That is awkward since she is my friend's daughter. However, I doubt she will admit to her mother that I am ignoring her calls. Too humiliating. Of course, I say nothing about this to my friend.

This is a simple, annoying stalking experience.  Other stalkers can be dangerous. This post is limited to my situation. Other situations may require more legal or other measures.

Again, experts recommend ignoring a stalker.  Don't confront. Ignore. 

I feel sorry for my friend's daughter but enabling her stalking isn't helping her.